Search results matching tag 'Prison'

Re: Husband left me after coming home in 2005! Living with someone, and having a baby! Now what?

Nolaw97 — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:35:15 GMT

There is much that can be said here, and to be sure there are lots of factors, many not so encouraging, but I say to you that sometimes when things look grim, we have to find something encouraging to hold on to. Lots of times when things look their worst, we are told by others to prepare for the worst, and act on that. We've all been there and we have all acted on situations based on the worst cace scenario. There are a lot of things to speak about in this situation, and I am sure there are others here that can add valuable words of direction.

It would seem to me that you came to the site looking for help, not condemnation, so this is not the time to speak ill of your husband, since I don't have a right ot do so...after all, nobody is perfect. I put myself up to judge him since I don't know him at all, but I will side with you because you are seeking some sort of solution to the problem.

I have seen many guys that did time and when they got out, would turn away from the women that supported them through the worst times of their life. Not every guy does this, but many do. Yet some of those guys, after a period of time, realize that they should never have walked away from a relationship where a person gave their all to him. Again, not every guy realizes that, some do. Some don't realize it until they mess up and end up back in jail, then they are calling their old girlfriend or wife to try to make amends.

But one thing that you may want to focus on is the true depth of your marriage with him. IF you discover that he is the man you truly love, the one you married and the one you wnt to spend your life with, then take those thoughts in prayer. Too many times we try to answer things by how we see things, and sometimes the answer has to come from a higher power. I mean, that is your husband, so fight for him....not physically, but spiritually.

Again, there is much more to be said on this, and I believe that there are others here that can speak on better experience than I. I can talk about the mentality of an ex felon, and prison relationships, but I can imagine that there are others here that can add more than I. But if I had to add anything, it would be to spend time in prayer to see where your heart lies. Do you want him back because you love him, or because he is your husband...a trick question to be sure, if you think about that. I do hope you can get through this, I can imagine how difficult this can be for you right now.

How do you keep them positive while they are in prison?

Nolaw97 — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:52:54 GMT

How can you keep him positive?

There are a number of things I want to chat with you about today, and I may have to break it into a few different blogs, for a subject issue from a particular reader who emailed me. It is my intent to do my best to share what I can on particular prison issues so I can be of some help.

As I say that, I encourage some of you who read by are afraid to email me to consider getting in touch. These blogs are only going to be as strong as the support I get. Last night I said to myself, “I am not blogging tomorrow if nobody responds or if I don’t get support for my works”.

I meant it.

But today I get up, and check my email and I have some emails from people who are reading my blogs. As soon as I read them, I said to myself, “I have to blog”. If they took the time to email me, I owe it to them to help them if I can.

Which is where I am now.

I got an email from a reader who remembers my previous blogs (before depression forced me to remove them from the internet). She brought up something that I truly feel many other readers need to address.

How do you keep them positive in prison?

I won’t share her particulars, but in essence she went to visit him, and he was so depressed that he broke down and cried at the visit. One very touching thing he said that I know all to well…

“I want to go home”.

How in the name of God can you comfort a person who says that? If a person has any humanity inside of them, it would touch the deepest parts of your soul. What was she supposed to do when she sees her loved one broken down?

I want to address that…because I have been there.

Since I know my “Grades of Honor” books have not been on the best sellers list, I know many probably didn’t know that my first couple of books actually touched on this thought.

I made a post awhile back about crying in prison, and before I get any jerks with the “that’s what you get”, I REALLY suggest you stop reading because this blog is not about shoveling hot coals over somebody’s head.

To that person that emailed me about this, and to the many people who can put an “amen” to her situation, let me say this; don’t give in.

And that sounds simple, but we all know how hard it is. I have broken down MANY times while in county jail, and as some of you know, I attempted suicide more than once.

While in prison, I broke down a few times and cried. My second book covers that pretty well; even now when I recount it I get a heavy heart. The reader told me how bad he felt, and how he had a lot of beggars who asked him for stuff…I know about that too.

I know I gave away much more than I received, even though I had a hustle. Maybe I was too soft, maybe I had a kind heart, or maybe I was just foolish. But sometimes you wonder if your “charity” is actually based on atonement. Sometimes we give not because we want to, but because we feel that we owe it because of our faults.

And maybe that is part of the depression, because it falls on guilt. Now, I am not going to sit here and say that every inmate in prison feels that way, to be sure there are a lot of jerks in prison that NEED to stay there.

But there are in fact a lot of guys that screwed up, and want nothing better to just do their time and get a second chance at life. But often times that guilt and condemnation, with the conditions of prison life, can really break you down.

How can you change that so that you can help him?

Mentally and maybe spiritually, this is very possible, but physically, you can’t…

Or CAN you?

No, you can’t break him out, but physically speaking, there are some things you can do. The first is what you are doing right now, being there for him. Sometimes a cry can help more than you understand. Maybe he needed someone to pour his heart out to in hopes to get a grasp on his situation. Perhaps you were the only “release valve” he had, and as such, you, just by being there, allowed him to be human for just a few minutes.

When I broke down in the shower (as in my book), I cried and cried, hating life, hating myself, even hating God. But after a time, I had cried all I could. I had hit the bottom, and once you do that, you can only go up. That does not mean I was happy and joyful, because I was still depressed, but I didn’t feel as miserable as I did.

Once you find that point, you then can see that there is hope. There is a tomorrow.

For you on the outside, if your loved one breaks down, YOU have to be strong. He needs that from you. Even if you cry, that is ok, after all, we are human. But you gotta make sure that he understands that you are there for him, and you are GOING to be there for him. Give him a foundation that somebody loves him. Give him a reason to look for tomorrow.

Then, work on giving him hope. What does that mean? That means finding ways to encourage him, that means identifying what he would like to do, and nurture that. For example, if your loved one wants to start a business, then add your faith to it and see what it would take for him to make it happen. You don’t have to dive in the library and swamp yourself with all the details, but if you can show interest in his dreams, he would then believe that you believe in him.

I don’t like to use cheap advertising, but a person could send an encouraging prison card, or a prison encouragement certificate to lift his spirits.

Trust me, there are things you CAN do. You can do this. You have to.

He needs hope, and in prison, that is very hard to find. However, with you, it can be as abundant as the sunshine you bring him. Don’t give up on him, and don’t let his depression bring you down.

Do inmates celebrate Halloween (a retro blog)

Nolaw97 — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:36:54 GMT

Do Inmates celebrate Halloween?

At first I wondered if this was a stupid question but when I really thought about it, it is only foolish if nobody answered it. So with a day or two from Halloween, let me answer that:

Do inmates celebrate Halloween?

Well, the simple answer is the most direct…

NO.

But that isn’t the most accurate either, since I cannot speak for every prison in the United States. So let’s take it a little slower. It’s kinda odd that we speak of Halloween as the scariest day of they year when the word “hallow” means “holy”.

Think about it, say the Lord’s Prayer and when you get to “Hallow be Thy name”, think about what that means. So we’re talking about a HOLY day, although is has been filled with traditions and stuff.

Still, when we talk about Halloween, we think of the trick-or treaters, the pumpkins, the scary movies and stuff like that. And when you think about prison, you know there isn’t many connections between that and the holiday.

So it’s easy to think that inmates don’t celebrate Halloween in the normal sense, like trick or treating. But I remember my first year in prison where, in a way, we did. I was at Craven Correctional, which is a processing prison (or intake prison). You remember what I wrote about intake prisons, right? If not you may want to jump back a few and read about it.

Anyway, it was about this time when I was in prison and a lot of us was sitting around wondering what we would do for Halloween. The answer was simple, NOTHING. But on Halloween night, we saw on the television that Charlie Brown was coming on. I think everybody has seen it at least once, and some of us were making plans to watch it.

Now to be honest, I really, REALLY wanted to watch it. That cartoon represented the fun I had when Halloween came around, and it sure would have been nice to see it. But I was worried that that would be too childish, I mean, we are in prison. I joked about watching the cartoon with a few guys, but I really didn’t know if we’d see it or not. With only one television to a dorm, I could easily be outvoted to see something else.

But on that night, there were actually a number of guys who watched Charlie Brown. I was worried that maybe I would not get to see it, but maybe there were other guys who wanted to see it as well. Maybe we all had fond memories of Halloween and this cartoon was our only contact with days gone by. For some, it might be days they would never see again. So it was kinda cool that about 12 to 20 guys were actually watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”. It made me smile in the midst of a very hard time.

So do inmates celebrate Halloween? They may not go trick-or-treating or wear costumes or stuff like that, but we were all kids once, and we remember what it was to once feel like the world was a playground. So maybe by remembering how things were, inmates do celebrate this day.

At least I did.

Re: Sierra Conservation Center

Crystalldarlin — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:35:37 GMT

-YES OF COURSE THEY ARE --THEY ARE "ALLWAYS THE ONES TO GO,,,,

Prison Communication, part 2 (edited post)

Nolaw97 — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 01:37:55 GMT

Prison 101:Communication pt2

We’re discussing the importance of communications for those in prison. To the novice on this issue, we may be just talking about how you need to stay in touch with a loved one in prison, but the more you peel the layers back, there is much more involved. If you are going to be helpful to your loved one, or if you are going to be in a position to understand more about prison, maybe some of what I share will be helpful.

In the first part we talked a lot about the importance of letters and cards, the simplest form of communication. Now we want to discuss a second form of communication, that being phonecalls.

There may be a lot said for a letter or card, but how valuable is it to hear the voice of someone you care about? A dozen cards or letters may not compare to hearing your mom, or your girlfriend or your wife on the other end of that phone while you are incarcerated. And the same goes for you on the other side of that wall. How important would it be for you to get a phone call from your loved on in prison?

Letters are fine, but few things can compare to being able to talk to someone. This is a very critical form of communications in prison. But let me try to share with you the characteristics of these prison phonecalls.

From the prison side…they like to call it a “privilege”. This means, in the prison’s eyes, that it is not a right for an inmate to be able to call. This is something a lot of you need to understand off the bat. I made a blog awhile back about somebody whining about how the prisons won’t let her son call and some stuff like that. She was whining about how inmates are supposed to be able to use the phone.

Uh…not necessarily.

Even as an ex felon, I have to say that technically, inmates DON’T have the right to make phonecalls. Now, inmates DO have the right to communication, because it is a very critical part of rehabilitation and let’s not fool ourselves either, it is also a powerful tool of control against inmates.

But phonecalls are NOT guaranteed. I know in jails you are allowed a phone call, but we’re talking about prison. Some prisons allow ONE phonecall a year, and if you call a busy number, that’s it!

I don’t like it, but it is a privilege for inmates to call, meaning that it also has to be earned or that privilege can be taken away from an inmate. So from my standpoint, that being an ex felon, it was important that I first stay out of trouble so I can use the phone. But it’s a lot more complex than that.

See, lots of folks think that inmates can just walk to a phone and use it…not always. And before I forget, I know there are lots of prisons that use that phone card thing…but I never had that kinda privilege and many states don’t do it. But if you can find it, I do have a blog about prisons and phone card scams….check that out if you can find it.

Anyway, from the prison side, the rules on phone use will certainly vary from prison to prison, even in the same state or even same custody level. On some of the medium custody prisons I was in, we had to sign up for phone use twice a week. In minimum custody prisons, you could use the phone pretty much after 10am to about 11pm, with some exceptions. I usually called home on weekends, but sometimes I needed to just call home, nothing major, but sometimes you get in a rut and just need to find a break from the prison life, so I might call home every once and awhile.

“Why? Please explain”

Well, it’s kinda hard to explain but I guess I can try since it might make sense to some of you. Sometimes you don’t have to be in a negative mood to NEED to call home from prison, sometimes you just feel… well, just bland. Some days in prison might be too dull, too boring or too bland. You hate to get into a stagnant state of mind, but in prison sometimes there are times where there is nothing going on. Nothing bad, but nothing good either, and you don’t want to slip into the negative. So you need to do something to keep you from slipping.

You need positive communication.

So there were times I called home, not realizing that this is what I was looking for. I mean, the life of my loved ones outside of prison was CLEARLY better than my life IN prison, so if I could just tap into some of that, even if for the 10 minute segment of the phonecall, then I might just be able to capture a little bit of that positive energy to hold me over for awhile.

I mean, think about it…how many times have you received a phonecall from your loved one, and he does not have a lot to talk about. He just called to see what you are up to and how you are doing. See, lots of you think he’s always calling because something is wrong…that is not always true.

Sometimes just to hear a comfortable voice, and for many guys in prison, to hear a FEMALE voice, is in itself encouraging. After hearing dudes all day long, all week long, it does matter that he hears from you. (I say this knowing that perhaps 99% of my readers are women).

It’s also a private time in a public place, so there is mixed emotions going on. You see, if I send or receive a letter, it is done in private. In prison, nobody is over my shoulder reading my letters with me unless I let them read it (excluding some mail officers that may read it too before you get it). But with phone calls, there is a strange balance going on.

Every phone I have seen in the prisons I was in was not in a private place. If the phone rings right now as I type this, I can pick it up and walk to my room to talk in private. But in prison, most phones are built into the wall, in the day room of most prisons. Again, this can be different for one prison to another, but I am talking from my experience.

What this creates is an area where you need to talk to someone you love, in privacy and intimacy, but you also may have to keep your voice low because you don’t want the guys to hear what you are saying. Sometimes the phones can be right beside one another, so two or 3 guys might be on the phone at the same time, only a foot or so away. Under those conditions, I’d be too embarrassed to be saying “lovey dovey” things to my girlfriend or wife with some 250 pound brute on the phone next to me.

Lots of wives and girlfriends don’t get that because they don’t fully understand the egos that are involved in prison, and the need for an inmate to stay strong. Yes, you can argue against the idea that a man does can still be strong while saying he loves his wife or girlfriend, and you’d be right. But the mentality in prison can betray an inmate if he does that.

“How?”

Well, think about it. For a man to say “I love you” and MEAN it, he has to speak not just from his mouth, but from his heart. What you are asking a man in prison to do is to open his heart for you. I am not arguing that you don’t deserve it, because you do deserve it, but listen to what I am saying.

Once the heart is opened wide enough for a man in prison to say “I love you”, it is also open wide enough for all the other emotions inside. Not only does this include love for you… but also the shame and guilt for being in prison and so far away from you.

In an inmate’s mind, the moment he “lets down his guard” that is when the emotions will try to take over. You can’t say “I love you” without also knowing that if you had not screwed up, you would not be in prison to begin with. You can’t say that without starting to feel a flow of depressing thoughts.

And the longer your heart is open to say these things, the greater the chance of those other emotions have of flooding out. Those feelings of regret and sadness will start to pour out the longer that inmate keeps that heart open.

It costs so much for an inmate to say “I love you”.

Now, some are much better at it than others, but even the best of them have to keep it in check. For that reason, most guys on the phone will try to “man up” and talk in a way that does not sacrifice their manhood. In prison, this is very critical.

But there are some key elements that apply to YOU as well, the person receiving those phonecalls. I used to get phonecalls from a friend in county jail, and most times he called not about anything important, but also because he needed a friend to talk to. But one key element on prison phone calls is the practicality of COST.

In most cases, inmates never really think too much about how much a phone call costs. I mean, since they don’t have to pay, it does not register too much to them. I say that in a kind way, because believe it or not, this is a sincere thought by inmates. Often times when I call home, I knew that the phone bill would be going up because of me… but I had to make that call…I needed a positive boost in communicating with my mom or my brothers. It’s almost like survival mode.

But on your end, you must be mindful of that. One phonecall a month is likely affordable for most folks, but some of you get calls every day…WOW! I can see why phone companies love inmates. I cannot imagine what YOUR phone bill looks like at the end of the month.

Is it necessary…I am sure it is. For some of you, it is worth it to hear from someone you really care about. Some of you might be cool with getting a phone call on weekends from your loved one. Others might be cool with getting a call every day…hey, as long as you can afford it, that is cool.

But what if you can’t?

I think a lot of readers are along that line. Collect phone calls from prison can be expensive, and lots of times we rationalize that the high cost of the phone bill is worth it to allow our loved ones to call us when they need to.

But define “need”.

“Need” is defined as: “circumstances in which a thing or course of action is required” An inmate will likely NEED to call if he is about to be transferred. He may NEED to call if he needs something from you, like the lawyer’s address. But does he NEED to call just because he is bored?

See, I am now countering my own ideas….

To the inmate’s mind, it is a need to call you when he feels too bland or bored because he needs that positive communication. But on your end, you need to understand that these calls are not free, and the continuance of them actually adds a financial stress to your life.

This is not for everyone, because some of you can afford to deal with the costs, or you don’t get that many calls to create a larger expense. But if some of you are having this situation, it also brings in another problem.

How do you limit the calls without having him think you don’t love him anymore?

I mean, if he called 10 times a week, and you want to cut it down to 5, is it possible that he might think that you don’t love him anymore? Maybe. But if this is your fear, you have to address it head on.

Sit down and figure out how much his phone calls are per month. I am sure you can check it out on the bill. Get an idea of how much you’d like him to call, outside of emergencies or stuff like that. If he calls every day, that is 28-31 times a month. In just a couple of months, that’s like 50-60 times. Do the math on the cost per call, and per MINUTE.

If that number is a burden, then you NEED to cut that down. Listen, you may have a loved one in prison, but it is not worth going into poverty to allow him to call every time he wants to….or every time YOU want him to call.

It’s stressful enough dealing with a loved one in prison, don’t add to it with a large phone bill that has you sacrificing the cable or a special night out at Ruby Tuesdays for yourself….(well, if you bundle then you’re likely gonna lose cable AND phone anyway…and internet…be careful about those eggs in that basket).

There has to be a balance that allows you to stay positive so that you can in turn impart that to your loved one when he calls. I mean, he calls because he needs to hear something positive, how much help are you going to give him if you talk about how your bills are piling up, knowing that part of the problem is these expensive phone calls?

I realize you cannot put a price on someone you love, but you also cannot help him if you are slipping under in debts. You have to work with him on a reasonable number of times he can call per month. For some of you it might be temporary. Maybe some of you fell behind on a lot of bills and need some help. If you can get him to limit his calls to maybe once a week, or even once every 2 weeks, it might help you catch up in a month or two, or maybe three if that is what it takes. But once you catch up, you can increase that number to once a week or even twice a week.

For others it might be more permanent. Maybe once a week is the best you can do until you find another situation to help your finances. Remember that this is very key because if you are having trouble with money, it will eventually be the focus of your thoughts even when your loved one calls. And that defeats the purpose of positive communications.

See, this subject is a lot more complex than you thought. If we are going to find some venues to be a help to someone in prison, we have to understand that there are more sides to this than just the simple fact that he is in prison. It goes much further than that. We’ll continue this discussion next time.

Life in Prison... Out of whose eye?

MajickMike — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:48:26 GMT

It's funny what you can hear about lie in prison...Depending on whose telling the story will matter greatly how you hear about the exact same incident Oh,and if we're talkin' amongst ourselves? Trust and believe y the time you've heard about any of it,the story has changed to protect the innocent...Me!

W/R

MajickMike

Mother's Day in prison (archive)

Nolaw97 — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:26:04 GMT

Mother’s Day in Prison

(A short story)

I didn’t want her to come see me.

But I knew she was coming.

Mom was going to drive 300 miles to come see my wretched soul, on a day she could have easily spent anywhere else in the world, especially on a special day like this. I got her card early Monday after the officers distributed the inmate mail. Although I was hoping for some money, I did get some, but inside the card was a note that sent shocks through my body.

Mom was coming for a visit…on Mother’s Day.

How could she do this to me?

Just when I was getting the hang of this damn sentence, just as I was finding my marks, now I have to face the one person on this planet that I feared to disappoint the most. I have no problem facing God; He already knows my sins anyway. But mom was different. This was much harder.

I had wished that the week would come to a stop, as if I could stop time and keep mom from coming. Why would she want to see me? Why now, of all days? Was this a mockery of my incarceration? Was she trying to “rub it in” that my failure has hurt her and she wanted me to see that pain on the one day we are supposed to honor our moms?

I walked back to my locker and tossed the card inside, almost forgetting that mom put $100 in my inmate account; certainly that would come in handy, I was getting the munchies more and more, but with no money it was getting tough. Mom was always on time making sure I had a few dollars, but I also knew she had bills to pay too. I never asked her to send me money, even if I wanted to. I knew were not rich, and I also reasoned that maybe me being broke in prison should also be part of my punishment. No need pulling mom into debt for my sorry butt.

“What’s up kid?” said Joe.

Joe was one of the elder inmates, who worked on road squad. Strangely enough, he was one of the guys that helped me break the stigma that “all inmates are animals”. I could swear that if he was on the street, he might be a pretty decent guy to talk with. He was bigger than I was, and liked to lift weights when he could. By no means would he ever be confused as a weightlifter, but you could tell that he was no softie.

“Nothin much, just hangin in there.” I said to him as I closed my locker door.

“You ever get any word from your folks?”

“Yeah…got a card today.” I said, as Joe seemed to pick up the tone.

“Something wrong?”

“Nah, I finally got a few dollars in my account, but she wants to come on Mother’s Day.”

“And your problem is?”

“I…I don’t want mom to see me like this… you know.”

“Man, you momma don’t give a damn what you look like, to her you are always gonna be her baby, and she needs to know that you are doing ok.”

“I tell her I’m fine every time we talk, and every letter I send. I mean, I know I screwed up, and I know lots of people out there are disappointed in me, hell I don’t need to be reminded by the one person I really care about.”

“Kid, let me ask you something…” said Joe as he seemed more serious than normal.

“Yeah?” I said, looking sincerely at Joe.

“Don’t be offended, but what if your mom died today?”

“What the hell is that…”

“Hold up, here me out kid,” said Joe as he held his hand in gesture of peace.

“I am saying that what if you never got to see your mom again. What would be the last thing you would remember of her?”

I couldn’t answer for awhile, because the idea of my mom dying was foolish. Mom is supposed to live forever, at least longer than me. She is in good health, and she does a bit of exercise. Why would she die…why now? God can’t be THAT cruel.

But then I started to think…what IF she did die before I got to see her this weekend? That would mean that the last time I saw her was…the day I was carried out the courtroom in shackles…

The saddest day of my life.

I was too afraid to look back to mom; it would have clearly broken my heart to see my mother crying, as well as my family, as I was taken away from them. I would have gladly shot myself in the head instead of bearing that kind of emotional pain.

It was then I started to understand what Joe was trying to get across, and looked back at him.

“I…I get your point.” I said apologetically.

“Kid, you are one of them short timers, so you haven’t been in here as long as a lot of us, and I’m gonna tell you something. Some of us in here would do anything to get a visit from our moms…especially on Mother’s Day. But some of us have been in too long, some of us burned our bridges so when Mother’s Day comes along, it’s just a day to us.”

“I…know. It’s just that…”

“Are you ashamed of your mom?”

“No…I’m ashamed of ME.” I said as I sat down on my bunk.

It was a good thing there wasn’t a lot of guys in the dorm, because I am very guarded on what I say in the dorms, but Joe was one of the guys that I could talk a little to. He wasn’t too “high and mighty” and he also wasn’t institutionalized, even though he has been down for 13 years.

I took a deep sigh as I looked down to my boots. I did NOT want mom to visit me, not here, not now. But it was almost like she was forcing me to relive the pain of my failure by seeing her in the visitation room. I had not yet gotten a full handle on my prison sentence, and this was not the time for mom to visit. She was making my life a hell.

“So, whatcha gonna do, deny her visit?”

“Hell no, I can’t tell mom she can’t come visit!”

“Then that means you gotta see her.”

“Yeah….”

Joe seemed to find some humor in my problem as he snickered and turned to open his locker and grab a pack of single-serve coffee and a small Styrofoam cup, before turning back to me.

“Do me a favor when you see her”

“Huh?” I said, curious at this request.

“When she comes to see you, I want you to remember that she needs to see that you are ok. You kept telling her that you are ok, now prove it. She does NOT need to see a sad faced inmate who looks like he lost his puppy. Your mom needs to know that you are gonna make it, so give her that reason. You go to that visit, and you carry yourself as best as you can.”

“Why, what’s the difference?” I asked

“The difference, kid, is that your momma needs your strength just as much as you need hers. You said you got some money today, and you told me she looks out for you a lot; this is your chance to show her how much you appreciate her. It’s not much, but trust me, it’s the world to her…otherwise she would not be coming here on Mother’s Day to see you.”

Joe made sense, although I still didn’t want mom to come. I took his words with value and told him I would try. From that day through the week, I thought about some of the things Joe said, but at the same time I was hoping that mom would send a card saying that “something came up” and she could not come to see me. I mean, there is no real value in driving all that way just for a one hour visit with a criminal…I am not worth that…

At least that’s how I felt.

Monday jumped to Friday almost too fast, as my heart started to race…mom was coming to see me this weekend…and I was afraid.

The day of the visit, I bargained with a couple of guys in the clothes house to get me the newest pair of pants, t-shirt and inmate jacket that they could find. I knew it was against the rules, but DOC can go to hell as far as I cared. I got a nice shave and haircut and looked almost brand new as I paced the yard, waiting for my name…and when I heard it, my heart jumped into my throat.

Mom was here.

My God, what do I do?

I don’t think I was ever as nervous as I was that second, but I had to collect myself immediately. I have an hour for visit, so I made a fast-paced walk to the visitation area. Once there, I was patted down by the officers as I looked out across the large room. I saw mom and my heart nearly stopped.

She came.

My mom came.

My mom came…to see me.

And suddenly the restraints of my mom coming to see this wretched soul in prison were evicted and replaced by the love for this courageous woman who would clearly walk through the depths of hell to see her son.

At that moment mom saw me, and I saw her, and a very familiar smile opened on both our faces…no doubt we were related; the smiles were identical.

I was allowed a hug, watched from afar by officers, but not so much that we had to be too careful. The hug might have been about 10 seconds, but it felt like 10 minutes. For those special moments, it was like I was home, in mom’s arms, the safest place in the entire world.

In those moments, I felt that nothing could go wrong, mom was here. I looked at her, and she looked at me with eyes of pure love, not conviction, not of condemnation. She looked at me as her son.

We sat down and began to talk, lots of stuff about how I looked, how she looked and how we were doing. She asked to see if I got the money she sent, and I told here that I did, and what I was doing with it. Lots of the talk were generic, but ever so soothing to just be there, to hear mom AND see here, instead of hearing her over the phone.

“Mom, why did you want to see me on Mother’s Day?”

“Because I wanted to see how you were doing?”

“But mom, I know there were lots of other things going on out there, you said that the church was having a dinner for moms, and you said some of the family was going to be in town for the weekend. You could have done that instead of seeing me.”

“No I couldn’t.” mom said with a smile that almost disarmed me of my attempt to remember what Joe told me, to keep myself positive to give her strength.

“Why? Is something wrong?” I said, starting to worry.

“No, and don’t start getting all worked up baby,” reassured mom.

Mom reached over and grasped my hands warmly, as I started to feel like I was going to school for the first time. I remember that day when mom walked me to the steps of the school as I held on tightly to her.

“Honey, I didn’t come here to make you feel bad, I came because I miss my baby.”

“I know mom, it’s just, you know…”

“You think I’m ashamed of you?” asked mom gently.

“Well, you’d have every right to be.”

“Is that what you think? Have you been here in prison worried whether I love you or not, or if our family has thrown you out because you broke the law?”

I hesitated to answer…because I DID believe that.

“Look at me baby” said mom in a sweet, but stern whisper.

I mustered the strength to look at mom, now realizing that the one thing that Joe told me was now being seriously challenged. From the pit of my stomach and my heart I really, really felt that I let mom down…and everyone else. I didn’t deserve anyone’s love or respect, so maybe I felt isolating myself in prison was punishment enough…but I was wondering if I was being selfish to those who really loved me, regardless of my faults.

I looked at mom, and saw that same smile still there…even though mines had faded.

“Sweetheart, the entire family and church, and your friends all told me to tell you that they miss you and they want you to know that they still love you.”

“Yeah, but I know I screwed up…”

“Hush…that is not why I came this long way. I came to see my baby, and that smile you gave me awhile ago.”

“Mom…I…I’m sorry. I really am.”

“I know…but I still want that smile before I go.”

I managed to crack a weak smile, knowing it wasn’t as good as the first one I gave when I saw mom in the visitation room. I was now fighting my feelings, knowing damned well that I don’t deserve my mom’s love, and it was hurting me deep inside. Mom didn’t deserve this, she deserved to have a college grad who went to law school or medical school making $100,000 a year and taking good care of her. She deserved to have a son that made good in sports, with some multi-million dollar deal and serving the community.

Mom deserved that.

But she got me.

I felt awful.

And maybe mom sensed that, and clasped my hands warmly and looked at me, as if trying to see into my soul. I really believed mom had some kinda strange power to do that, even when I was growing up. She always seemed to know what was wrong with me.

“Baby, if you want to make my Mother’s Day as good as it can get, tell me that you are doing fine in here, and that you will be ok, and convince me that what you are telling me is true, so I don’t have to worry about you.”

“Mom…I am ok…honest.”

“Are you sure? Because I told you about those prison support sites I visit, and I read lots of bad things. There is almost nobody there that can talk about what really goes on inside, and sometimes I worry about you.”

“Mom, I promise you, I am doing ok. I ain’t been in no fight, I haven’t been cut or raped…although there are a couple of guys I wonder about when I go to the shower…”

Mom raised her eyebrow, suddenly concerned about my last statement. I quickly deflated the issue with the smile mom wanted from me, and laughed a bit.

“No, it ain’t like that…at least not to me…you just gotta be careful at times.”

“Careful?” asked mom.

“Well, it’s a community shower, just like at high school or at the health clubs, you just gotta be familiar about when you take a shower. Not much to it”

Mom still held her eyebrows in a sincere look.

“Mom, it’s ok, will ya stop worrying about that?” I said with a smile.

I think mom realized that maybe she was overly concerned, and seeing that my smiles were authentic, she realized that maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as she might have thought.

“Ok…I just don’t like the idea of any man looking at my baby’s butt”

“MOM!” I said, embarrassed at what she said.

For the first time in forever, we both had a decent laugh at that, and in that laugh was a medicine that seemed to bring a veil of comfort to both of us. Mom seemed to be very pleased that I was in good spirits, as I was in her.

“Mom, I…I am really glad you came, I just didn’t know how to take it when you said you were coming to see me. I just felt like I didn’t deserve it.”

“Baby, you are my son, I don’t care what happens, you being my son will never change. And I am not going to let you think that you have to do this alone. I know you have to be here until they release you, but I want you to know that I am always, ALWAYS thinking about you.”

“But that’s just it mom, I don’t want you worried sick about me. I get worried that you might be home crying about me, and it makes me feel down.”

“That’s why I had to see you baby. Sometimes I read some of those posts and I get scared for you. And lots of times those fears are based off nothing but ignorance. But I saw one guy that actually had been in prison, and I wrote him and asked him for some advice. He told me that the best thing for me to do was to be strong for you, so you would know that I was ok.”

“Funny, I was told the same thing by a guy here too. It was just that I didn‘t want you to see me here, of all places.” I said.

“I would rather see you here than not see you at all.” said mom.

“Mom. I love you, you know that, right?”

“I always knew that baby, I never lost sleep over that.”

Almost all too soon the visit had reached it’s end, and I felt like a person in the middle of a wonderful dream, only to be awaken by the alarm clock. I wanted to talk to mom about so many other things, but I was satisfied with the little time we did have.

I really thought it would be much more emotional, that mom would cry, but I think I was much closer to crying than she was. I kept my smile on brightly as I hugged mom once more before she had to go, as she gave me a kiss on my cheeks.

“Don’t you worry one second about me baby, I am fine now.” she said.

“Same here mom. I love you.”

As we parted ways, that warm feeling carried be through the strip search, something I truly hated, but was willing to endure for the time. I went back to the dorm, and as I thought about mom, I had initially thought that she would be crying in that car all the way back home, but I realized that IF she did, it wouldn’t be tears of sadness, it would be tears of comfort.

Mom would truly believe that I was going to be ok.

But it was that feeling, and others like it, that suddenly had me feeling down. The euphoria of the visit had now worn out, and I was reduced back to the lowly life of a criminal, an inmate. The weight of my condemnation had returned, and it weighed heavy on my heart.

I went back to the dorm, and with the yard still open, decided to take a nap. It would be awhile before dinner was served, but now I wasn’t hungry…I was homesick. I miss mom already, and she hadn’t been gone a half hour.

I laid on the bunk and covered my face with my inmate jacket. In my thoughts I started feeling worse, for no real reason except that I miss my mom. I then started to feel disappointed that I let her down. She drove all this way, when she didn’t have to. It was my fault. I let her down, I…

“Yo, kid”

“What.” I answered, knowing it was Joe.

“You get to see your mom?”

“Yeah.” I said, still under the jacket…close to crying.

“Good. She’s gonna be fine now.”

“How can you say that?” I said as I removed my jacket and looked at him.

“Cause, she got to see you.”

“And that means she’s going to be perfect and never worry about me again?”

“No, I didn’t say that. I said she’s gonna be fine.”

“What’s the difference?” I asked.

“The difference kid,” started Joe as he sat on his bunk and opened a bag of snacks he got from canteen and tossed me a Butterfinger, “is that she found comfort”.

“I don’t understand.”

“Your mom came all this way to do two things. Get comfort and to give comfort. She needed to know that you were ok, and she had to see it for herself. No letter or phonecall can really give that. But she also came to give you some strength, because you needed it. She came to let you know that she will be fine if YOU are ok”

“Well, I guess she got that. She was stronger than me in the visit.”

“It was not about who was stronger kid, it was about being there for each other.”

I looked at the Butterfinger, not really hungry, but now desiring a snack before dinner. But what Joe said made sense, and in that there was a returning comfort, one I needed before I went too far on that path of depression. I smiled a bit and looked to Joe.

“I guess you’re right. Thanks.”

“No problem kid, we gotta help each other while we are here.”

“You sure you’re not some undercover cop or something? You just don’t look like a guy that should be here.” I said, as I opened the candy bar and took a bite.

“Look who’s talking? You look like you just graduated from college.” said Joe.

“Well, I did.”

“Hell, anybody could see that. It proves that anyone can end up in prison. Prison is not just a bunch of jackasses who don’t respect society. Some guys made mistakes, some are in bad positions. But sometimes the only real help we are going to get is from each other.”

“Yeah…I see.”

“So, did the visit go ok with you and your mom?” Joe asked.

“Yeah…actually, it was perfect.” I said, with the same smile I gave to mom.

Happy Mother’s Day mom.

Finding comfort in prison (archive)

Nolaw97 — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 02:50:52 GMT

Finding Comfort in Prison…inside and out

Late night blogging folks, hope you don’t mind…

(edited from my original blog)

And that brings me to the title, how do you find comfort in prison… and out? This has a few sides to it, because obviously, most of you can’t answer the “inside part”. In fact, many of you may have that question yourselves. How does an inmate find comfort while in prison.

Is it even possible?

Well, if you go on the notion that nothing is impossible, then you’ve already answered your question. But ask me that, and I can say, from experience, yes, you CAN find comfort while in prison.

And that might upset some novice reader who thinks that every inmate should suffer without mercy. I actually DO get some readers that think they are entitled to watch every inmate suffer inhumanely because they are simply inmates…yet some of these SAME idiots are the ones who will slink off to church like a snake, sit in the first pew and sing hymns about forgiveness and loving thy neighbor.

Personal shot at a couple of idiots from a certain support site….

Now let me not be naïve, prison isn’t supposed to be Disneyland, but it IS supposed to be humane. I understood while I was in prison that I was supposed to be punished, and that is ok, but what do you think is going to happen if you treated an inmate like a dog while he was in, until the day he is released back into society?

Well?? This is the part of the sermon where all the ministers, prison site administrators and correctional officers are supposed to have answers…but don’t.

You treat a man like a dog long enough, he starts to act like one…when he returns back to society.

Now imagine MILLIONS of those same people reentering society.

You can’t change them back to a man just because they are free because you have already conditioned them to another belief, and many of them will be punished again for failure to integrate. Society’s problems once, society’s problems forever.

But in all this, the inmate himself has to find a chance to change or at least develop an honest sense of being. Sometimes to do that, inmates have to find comfort. You can’t keep stretching a rubber band and expect it NOT to break. You can’t keep bending that pencil expecting it NOT to break. Same with people.

In prison, I had to find my comfort zone, or “spots” as I called them. It might be a certain place, it might be a certain time, or a certain time AND a certain place. If I could get to this place or time, my mind could relax, even if for a little while.

The most obvious place would be bed, and bedtime. It’s the time where every inmate can lay his or her head down and find rest…in theory. For me, when I was in Pasquotank, that cell and my bunk was my world. In that top bunk, I could write about anything; poems, letters, journals, short stories, anything I wanted. The privacy I had on that top bunk gave me a very warm sense of comfort.

So yeah, you CAN find comfort while in prison. It is few and far between, but it’s there, if the inmate cares to look for it.

Sometimes if I was lucky and my cheap RCA radio could pick up a nearby jazz station, I could find inspiration to write stuff. Sometimes it might be Christian music, or if I wanted to just relax and rest, some classical music.

Now, because I have been on about 6 different camps, the comfort zone was different for each one. The scene was different, the personnel was different, so the comfort zone had to be different. But if I could find it, it would give me a legit chance to cope.

Now, how do YOU find comfort with a loved one in prison? Or, how do you find comfort OUTSIDE of prison?

It’s not easy, because you worry about that person inside. How many people are going to lose a loved one to jail or prison in the next 30 days? Thousands. How many have loved ones in jail or prison now? MILLIONS. How can you find comfort in such a very depressing time?

Understand, there is no blog I can share to remove that pain, I don’t have that kinda gift. But if it means anything, what I share might be able to help you cope, and that is the main thing here…to cope.

Understand what that word means…it does not mean to resolve, or to fix. It means to deal with a problem. To resolve a problem is to go out and buy another television when the only tv in the house goes out on you.

Coping means finding other ways to entertain yourself until you can afford to buy another television, like listening to the radio, going to the movies or reading.

Do you understand what I am saying?

I think we all get that mixed up, because we want resolution when what we have to do is cope. I am pretty sure that was perhaps what God was trying to show me, because I wanted resolution…I WANTED TO GO HOME!

But perhaps what I needed was the strength to cope, to deal WITH the problem, so I can share it with others.

Folks, with a loved one in prison, I know it’s hard, very hard. But if you can see this as a coping problem, rather than finding a quick solution, it might be the beginning of finding that comfort.

But that is not to say that you abandon the hope of solutions. For example, some of you might have a son who really wasn’t guilty of his crime, or felt that his cheap blankety-blank court appointed lawyer didn’t defend him as he would have if you had the money.

(Isn’t it ironic how the law is really based on who has enough money to pay lawyers?)

There are indeed some situations that have people looking for solutions. But even in those situations, you still have to find comfort. Why? Because in that comfort comes hope. You can’t be hopeful while you are all stressed out. A mom or wife with a loved one in prison must find comfort first, because it then gives you the energy to be faithful, to be prayerful, and to cope with the current situation until there is change.

So how do you find comfort? Well, that is really up to you. I mean, what I do for comfort may not be what YOU do. I mean, do you play video games? I do. Do you watch sports? I do. Do you watch cartoons? I do. Do you watch those corny Kung-fu movies? I do.

So I can’t really give you the exact formula to finding comfort. Heck, today I was watching the Travel Channel and Samantha Brown’s trips to Europe. I love watching that show because she goes to such great places, and I love travel shows. To me, that was a point of comfort, if even for an hour or half an hour.

Earlier tonight, I went over to the local recreation center to watch Industrial League Basketball. I am a big sports fan, and I found comfort in watching the guys play ball.

Those things are personal things I did today to find comfort, what did YOU do, other than worry?

You see, you got to do something other than worry and be depressed. You have to find something you are comfortable doing. If that means driving around town looking for any church that is open, then fine. If that means watching DVDs of comedies, fine. If that means visiting some relatives, fine. But find something that gives you comfort, and takes your mind off the worries.

Between the two, the OUTSIDE has much, much more venues to find comfort than the inside, which means YOU have more opportunities to find comfort than your loved one in prison. Why not use that to your advantage and be that strength he or she needs? They can’t get it from you if you don’t have it, and you can’t fake it.

You can be stressed all week long about him, and go to visit and try to pretend to be happy when you visit him. But he knows, it’s in your smile, it’s in your voice, it’s in your face because it’s in your heart.

You can’t fake sincerity. Either you are, or you are not.

Or, to quote a scripture, “from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks”

But you can change that by finding comfort. What do you like to do? Why don’t you do some of that instead of giving place to fear and doubt and depression?

“But I don’t want him to think I don’t miss him by being happy”

What in the world kinda thinking is THAT?? Why would you…

Ok, that is a subject for another blog, because I might REALLY say some things if I continue. I hear that excuse so many times and I want to pull my ribs out of my body every time I hear that. That will have to be a discussion for another time folks, it is after midnight here. Remember to visit my booksite, and DO please find comfort.

Your loved one needs you to do that.

What's an imate's faith worth? (archive from my prison blogs)

Nolaw97 — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:23:45 GMT

What’s Faith Worth In Prison?

It’s just after 10pm as I nurse a headache, may have to take some more Tylenol in an hour or so. I am no stranger to headaches, I remember having them almost weekly when I was in the third or fourth grade, and how much pain it put me through. I was too young to take aspirin so I had to tough it out. I don’t wish that on any kid.

But I’ll get through, I always do.

So, what’s the answer? How much is faith worth in prison? What did it mean to me; what can it mean to another inmate? I want to try to address that, in some hope that someone reading this might be able to understand a little more about prison in the head of an ex felon.

If you have read my posts and blogs, you know that I try to approach subjects in several forms; physical visions, intellectual thoughts and spiritual debates. As I mentioned before, prison is not just a physical place, it is mental, it is emotional and it is spiritual. It takes on many forms, but most prison support sites.

So, is faith worth anything in prison? And if so, how much? I betcha every serious Christian out there is saying, “of course it’s worth something”. (notice I said “serious” Christian, as if there are some that are NOT serious).

As we all know, religion is a very sensitive subject, and can easily cause more arguments than the influx of football fans on the ref’s calls over Superbowl Sunday. But I feel comfortable here on my blog talking about it, because no one can ban me from it if I say something that they may not agree with.

So, is there faith in prison. Easy question. Yes. To me, if you hope for anything, then there must be some measure of faith. I am not saying there is enough faith to change a situation around, because often times it does not. But a guy sitting in jail looking at 20 years…or life, obviously has some hope that he does not get that. A guy in prison who hasn’t heard from his family in a couple of weeks obviously hopes that he will hear from someone soon. A mother with a son in prison obviously hopes that maybe he will come back to her in one piece. A wife with a husband in prison my hope that maybe there is something, anything that can change the sentence he was given, and get him out of prison.

In short, anyone with an expectation may well have faith. The scripture goes, “faith is the substance of things hoped for”. But then some people might argue that you can have hope without faith? Is that possible? Can a guy doing life hope to get out sooner, by still not have faith? Can a mother hope her son can adjust once being released without having faith? Can there be hope without faith in prison.

I don’t have the true answer to that, and maybe no one does. I mean, can I expect something while in prison, but not have faith? The easy way to answer this is to say, “if you receive, then it was because you had faith; if not, then you didn’t”.

I don’t agree.

I will think more that maybe you don’t receive if you don’t have enough faith before I think that I had no faith at all. Case in point. As I wrote in my first book of “Grades of Honor”, I gave up on God the day I was shipped from jail to prison. These were not good days for me, and I made it clear that at that time I gave up on a loving God. During that time, I got more money for the things I needed than any other time during my incarceration. In the midst of my anger at God, I got $300.00 from mom, as well as pens, paper and other things.

Irony coming… When I went back to trusting God and placing my faith in Him, I went months on end without money, struggling to hang in there when just a few dollars would have helped me to stay encouraged. Don’t laugh, you don’t know what a soda or a pint of ice cream, or even a ramen soup at night can do to help you our of a difficult day. But when you have no money, it is very hard to hang in there.

What part did faith play? It had to have some part in this, but at those times I have no idea what. I prayed every chance I had, I tithed whenever I got a few dollars, even while I was working for 40-60 cents a day. But during those times it was very difficult to keep it together. Faith had to have been there, I know it did, but it just didn’t seem productive.

For a guy in prison, I think faith is there. I remember making a post like this on PTO, and some jerk felt like trolling it, and PTO had to remove that post. It was maybe one of two posts out of 1200 that was taken off. But the argument was whether inmates can have faith. Even death-row inmates. The answer is yes.

As long as an inmate is alive, he has to believe in something. When you are in negative situations, you always believe that somehow, things can get better. Even if they don’t, you still hoped that they would. Heck, I hoped never to go to prison; that didn’t work out too well. But the faith was there.

So is it possible that maybe inmates have misplaced faith? After all, if this is about faith, then what is your faith supporting? I think this may be close to the answer of what faith is worth? It all depends on what you’re applying it to? If your hope is just “I don’t wanna go to prison”, then maybe it is misdirected. If a mom is hoping that her son can make it through the system might not be enough. Maybe that wife out there worried about her husband might not be directing the faith in the right way.

Think of faith like money. If I have a ten-dollar bill, I can go to the store right now and spend it, no questions asked….

In the United States.

What if I was in Mexico, or Germany, or Japan? Will my US currency be accepted there as easily as it is here? We all know some countries don’t take American money, just as if someone came here with 100 Yen and tried to go to Walmart here in town. It’s still money, but it’s the wrong “application” of it, if you will.

Faith in prison may work the same way. What are you believing? If your loved one is in a youth prison, what are you believing? If it’s just that he will be ok, it might be misplaced. Why? Because even with faith, you still have to act, and do something. After all, faith without works is dead.

Are you asking your loved one what you can do for him? If he is trouble, do you run and hide, hoping “the Lord will make a way”? Are you calling the prison when there is trouble? Are you educating yourself to what the prison rules are? Are you looking for posts and sites where other former inmates share information? Are you asking questions to get answers, or are you just reading posts for amusement? Just what ARE you doing to make that faith worth something?

If you are just sitting there saying, “I just hope he comes home ok”, then I have to say that your faith might be misplaced. Heck, that’s no different from me saying, “I hope to go to Hawaii next month”…

(Fat chance he said, sulking)

We obviously cannot put a price tag on faith, but without a doubt, it can be invaluable in prison. Even more so than you think, because for many, it is all they have to look forward to. I have seen both ends of this, and just as I can say that I did ok without trusting God (as according to my first books, so as to not get prison ministries and people of the cloth emailing me; I am a Christian), I can also say what faith in prison can do for a person.

So, is there such thing as faith in prison? Of course. Does it have value? Of course? But the value is based on the person, what he is directing that faith to, and what actions he is doing to keep it strong. Trust me, faith is the most valuable thing an inmate has. It’s also the most valuable thing for those outside the walls too, so don’t give up.

Being productive in prison ( archive from my prison blog)

Nolaw97 — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:18:14 GMT

Being Productive in Prison

A slow moving game going on, with the Titans and the Chargers, so I will take the time to blog for awhile. I was reading some of my emails on a few places and wanted to see what I can do to make discussion.

Before I do, I want to remind you guys to please email me about your questions on my writing. I am thinking of other ways to push my writing and do more stuff, in addition to my books, cards and stuff. It is funny that when I do get a chance to send a package out, I hold my breath because I am kinda nervous that the person I sent the products to won’t like it.

I don’t know why I think that way, I am just nervous.

So I got a package heading out to a reader in Canada, and another here in the states. I am waiting to hear from them so I can know if they like it. It is also kinda bugging me that I never did hear from that jerk here in my own state of NC who asked for that Christmas package and never paid for it.

I even went over the norm and sent her a second package to make up for not sending her the right one, so she got two packages…I hope she chokes on them!

(ok that was too harsh, but I am still pissed on that)

One of my readers on myspace brought up an interesting idea of doing a subscription-like venture, where readers pay for exclusive posts and blogs. Something worth thinking about.

I will likely do more offline writing about other prison subjects, and just make them available on order. We’ll see where that goes.

Now, let’s talk about the title of this blog. How can an inmate make the time in prison productive? How can he take advantage of a bad situation to better himself? I mean, in general, this is what EVERYONE would like to know. Every mom with a son or daughter in prison, every wife with a husband in prison, every girlfriend with a boyfriend in prison, every so-and-so with a loved one in prison would like to know the answer to this.

Do I have the answer…of course not, I’m just a dude who like to write. But that does not mean I can’t give you some ideas to think about. So let’s do that.

The idea here is to figure out what inmates need to help them change their lives. And this actually is multi-dimensional. How many of you remember the Rubix cube?

(gosh I hope I spelled that right)

The idea of an inmate being productive can be just as complicated, but not impossible to solve. After all, there were people who solved that cube, some at world record times. But when you talk about prison issues and how to change a person, it is a lot more complicated than just matching all the colors on one side.

In order to change, I would identify 3 sides: the prison, the inmate, and the immediate society around him. Each of those three has an important part to play if the inmate is really to change.

But what has to change in the inmate? I might identify that in three areas as well: his addiction, his lifestyle and his beliefs.

See, this is really getting complicated. I wonder if this is gonna take more than 6 pages to blog out….

Let’s start with the inmate, since that is the focus of your concern. Now I don’t claim to have all the answers, I am sure some professor at Syracuse or UCLA or Duke will tell me that I don’t have it right, but I am going on what I have experienced. To me, I think the inmate has to change in the previous 3 areas, and let’s tackle them one at a time. Let’s start with addiction.

This one can be an obvious one for someone on drugs or alcohol. In order for the inmate to change, if his charge and incarceration is due to an addiction, then the inmate has to find a way to break that addiction before he returns to society, or else he may well fall right back into that problem. That sounds like an easy premise. If a guy is in prison for breaking into a store to steal money to support his drug habit, then he needs to break that addiction before he gets out.

Sounds simple right? Hardly.

I cannot know how hard it is for a person to stop smoking because I have never smoked a cigarette or cigar or anything like that in my life. Never. The closest I have come to that is those candy cigars I used to take to school and act like I’m some cool guy puffing on a fake cigar. Or, there used to be those powdered candy cigarettes that I very vaguely remember. Other than that, I have never smoked anything.

So to me it would sound easy to tell a person how easy it SHOULD be to just quit smoking. But I have seen guys in prison that had a hard time dealing with that. That is why roll ups were so popular…and cheap. Heck, one camp I was on was so broke they paid their debts in roll ups…

Stop laughing!

Anyway, I knew a guy that told me how hard it was to quit, until he said that his daughter told him that she didn’t like it when he smoked. He said he quit on the spot, and had not smoked since. That of course is the exception to the rule.

But when you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, it can be even harder. Yes, prisons do have the AA program and DART, but many guys just go through the motions because they are getting the rewards for finishing the program, which on many camps can be 30 days merit or gain time, and a transfer to a camp closer to home.

To be sure, these are ways the prison can help, but it still comes down to what that inmate REALLY wants. Do they really WANT to stop taking drugs or alcohol or to stop smoking.? That sounds like a no brainer, but sometimes a person on an addiction sees things a little different than you would.

In prison, guys would dry out because of the lack of the drugs, but that does not really mean they are cured of the addiction. That is something the inmate has to fight when he is released, and to do that, they would have to enter rehab or find a support group. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

If there was nothing else to do, maybe this is easy. But remember that for many guys who are released, they may be under parole or probation, may have restitution to pay. Many may not have a place to stay or a job, and need one or both, as well as the other necessities of life. Not so easy to go to that AA meeting if it is between that and working to pay your bills.

So in no way am I going to say that fighting an addiction is easy, because it isn’t. But it can be done, if the person is willing to give it a fighting chance, and to take it day by day.

Now, the second part is the lifestyle, which I could easily put under this, “peer pressure”. How many guys end up in prison doing something that normally, they would NEVER do. A bunch of teens get together and do something they regret, but individually they might not have done that same act. Peer pressure is just part of the lifestyle, but it clearly is something the inmate has to deal with in order to be productive.

Now I am not gonna say that this is just as hard as fighting an addiction, because I have never been an a drug or alcohol or tobacco addiction, so it would not be fair for me to compare this to that. But I can say this can be troublesome, because the lifestyle of an inmate AFTER prison can be very tough.

In many ways, it is almost like throwing a homeless person out on the streets and expect him to live like a middle class citizen. Think about it, when an inmate is released; after he or she has done their time and served their debt to society, they reenter society with no support to get back on their feet…

Well, I take that back. Here in NC if an inmate has been in prison over 3 years, he gets what is called a “gate check” of $40.00 to get his life back together. Good luck with that sucker.

But the problem with an inmate trying to be productive with his lifestyle is that there is virtually no help at all for an inmate while he is in prison for when he steps out into society. Yeah there are programs like HRD classes (Human Resource Development), and many prisons offer classes to inmates, but this really isn’t as much of the problem as having a foundation of living when the inmate gets out.

For example, when I got out in 2001, I had my mom to go back to, with other family members. If I did not, I would be broke, penniless and on the street, even with a college education. With probation hanging over me like a noose, I guarantee you I would have been back in prison in a year or two, if I didn’t opt to just go back to prison myself.

And that sounds insane to some of you.

One of the things society never really puts stock in is the lifestyle of a human being trying to get himself back on track. To do that, a man needs the basics of living; a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food to eat and the finances to take care of the bills. If a guy does not have that, then rehabilitation has not worked in the prison system because that felon may not have been properly taught of the BETTER ways of living, rather just survival.

Now, I also mentioned peer pressure because this is also a major factor. Lots of guys get out and go back hanging around dudes that got them in trouble to begin with. The great irony here is that a lot of those dudes were cool with the guy until he went to prison, and they forgot all about him until he got out, then its “welcome back buddy”.

Yeah right.

This is something that has to change, but often times is very hard to do. It is easy to say that your loved one needs to stop hanging around bad influences, but if he is released and comes back home, then what has really changed? Only time.

You can’t tell a grown up where he can and can’t go, and who he can or can’t see. And even if he makes the right choices, sometimes trouble comes to him unawares. I am kinda reminded of what happened to NFL player Sean Taylor, who as many of you know, was shot and killed in his home. From what I read, he was a guy that did for a time hang around the wrong crowd, but seemed to be getting his life back together. But sometimes when you try to leave the bad influences, it tries to follow.

It is always a sad thing when guy tries to turn his life around and there are people who are not willing to respect that. In a similar way, inmates have to look at these situations too. A guy might have been in a gang, or around a group of “bad influences” and ended up going to prison for 5 or 10 years. When he gets out, he has to change that lifestyle that included those guys, or else he’ll end up back in prison…or dead.

This is something the inmate has to decide on during his incarceration. And you know what, there are a lot of guys that do, and a lot of guys that could care less. If you are going to change, or make your incarceration productive, there has to be a change in what you want in your lifestyle. It has to start with you while you are in prison, much like the addictions. They have AA and DART, but you have to make it work for you, and believe that it can change your life for the better.

And that brings us to the third part…beliefs.

This is a deeper area that touches the very fabric of your personal being. It is what makes you different from every other person. We all believe different things, even if under a similar theme.

For example, I might believe and support sports, but many people don’t see any value in it. In prison, there were a lot of guys that don’t care for sports, but many that did. So those that liked sports were people I could say that believed in the same things that I did.

But under that umbrella, I might believe that UNC Tarheels is the best basketball team in the ACC, but there might be a bunch of guys that might think Duke, Georgia Tech or some other team might be better. Even under the sports genre, we have different beliefs.

And we can go even further. Even amongst UNC fans, I might believe Michael Jordan was the best player, while some might argue James Worthy, or Vince Carter. Even though we believe in the same team, we still have differences.

Same with beliefs with inmates.

The road to recovery and productivity may well begin in what a person, an inmate, believes. Does he really believe he can get his life back? Does he believe his parents still love him? Does he believe his wife will take him back? Does he believe he can still get a good paying job? Does he believe he can really make it back there in “that real world”? Does he believe in God, or in a merciful God?

These and infinite other beliefs may well be challenged. And sometimes the hardness of prison can permanently etch those beliefs in a person’s head. Sometimes prison seems to show inmates that life is not always fair and once you make a mistake, you will never live to make up for it.

There is an “inferiority complex” that is bestowed on many ex felons, and when they enter the real world, many operate under the idea that maybe they are just on borrowed time, that they can’t succeed like the average person because they have been branded.

How do you overcome that?

If I was successful and owning my own home, car, and money to take a vacation every summer, I could tell you that it can be done. But even after several years, I am still fighting those very same issues. Those beliefs of how society feels about inmates have in fact been etched in me, because I have seen it and lived it.

I have seen how churches treat ex felons, and I have seen how many people who go to prison support groups treat ex felons…and many times it is like ex felons have leprosy.

In order for that ex felon to get his life together, he has to establish a new set of beliefs, one that gives him a fighting chance, rather than just treading water. This isn’t easy to do, otherwise I would have already done it. I still believe that unless an ex felon has connections, perhaps the best way for him or her to get back on their feet is to create an online business so he or she can get out there in the business arena without being judged.

If I started a small business in my town, it would be easy for people to be prejudiced to me because someone will know that I am an ex felon, and it would be downhill from there. We don’t live in a forgiving world where people would see that I am trying to do good and they all say, “hey, let’s go down to that ex felon’s store and give him some business. He’s trying to make good, and we should support him”.

Instead, I’d probably have the police check on me every few hours to see if I did something wrong, or I’d have some self righteous jackasses telling everyone else in town not to go to the store of that “criminal”.

We WOULD do that you know.

The idea behind what I am saying is that before an inmate leaves the prison, it is a good time for him to check deep inside of him to see what he truly believes. This isn’t just a couple of questions, it could be hundreds of questions that affect everything he does. It affects his religion, it affects whether he can become successful, it affects if he is willing to be productive in society. These are not easy questions, and maybe the time in prison helps that person to think on it longer.

But don’t think that just the time in prison will help him “see the light”. Like I said, sometimes prison can make a person bitter, and reinforce negative beliefs. But if he can understand that what he believes can change how he lives, then maybe he has a chance to be productive.

Anyway, I could write three times more on this, because this just barely touches the surface of the things an inmate has to think about while in prison, and how he might be able to change. Maybe it’s something I should write more offline, but I wanted to touch some ideas from one of my readers. I hope that helps a bit.