Prison Place

Your “man” and “loved one”: the difference.

Ok, let’s set some limitations right off the start. If you have a “loved one” in prison, this post is for you. If you have a “man” in prison, this post is not for you.

“Is there a difference?”

Damn right there is, and that is something I am going to address here on my blog. I have written tons of blogs and posts, and I try to cover as many different subjects as possible, based on my experience from being in prison. I touch on a lot of different groups and have been emailed or pmed by grandmothers, mothers, daughters, sons, aunts, pen pals, wives and girlfriends. The latter two is one I want to talk about.

Is there a difference between “your man” and “your loved one”. I say there is. And I am making this argument on the basis of people looking (or supposedly looking for) support with someone in prison.

And I know, this is very likely to tick a LOT of people off, but hey, such is life.

In the most basic of terms, we are talking about men, so in essence, “your man” and “your loved one”, are basically the same thing. We are talking about men in prison. Yet the actual term is defined in different ways.

I could have argued the term of “your man” and “your husband”, but that would not be accurate. There are lots of women out there with a man they really, REALLY love, who is in prison. There are lots of women that have a man they want to marry, but he is in prison. So to me, the term “loved one” is accurate because it is talking about a many they really love. It does not matter whether you are married to him or not, the fact is that if you COULD marry him, you would.

But there is another term, that of “your man”. To me, this sounds more… juvenile.

“Now wait a minute…”

No, YOU wait. This is an argument to determine the length, breadth, and width of a human being you love. When I say, “loved one”, I am not talking about some casual boyfriend that is really cute. I am talking about a MAN, whom you love to the bottom of your heart because he not only has a beautiful appearance OUTSIDE, but also inside.

A “loved” one is someone that you can relate to, someone whom you wish to spend the rest of your LIFE with, not just some hot steamy night in a hotel.

Oh, that offended some of you… sorry about that.

Now, let me go further on that apology. By no means am trying to insult your boyfriend, but I did say that this blog was not for people who have a “man”. The difference I have seen in these two groups is that one side looks at the superficial, the other looks at the internal.

For example, how many posts are that about “your man’s tatz” or “your man’s pictures” or “when was the last time you had sex with your man” and the like? Am I saying there is no place for this, of course not. I mean, these people are just as human as anyone else, and I am sure they miss their “man”.

And it is apparent that a LOT of people feel the same way, so what it’s worth, I seem to be in the minority. But when I sit down in front of my computer to write about prison, I look for people who need help understanding what prison is about, and how to bring hope.

Hope, folks, is internal. Not superficial.

Hope is wondering if your “loved one” will really be ok.

Hope is being worried about his well being.

Hope is missing your best friend in the world.

Hope is praying that God looks over your loved one.

Not your “man” but a loved one.

There is a maturity with those with “loved ones” and that is not saying that these people are all over 40 years old. You can be 20 years old and have a loved one, just as you can be 50 years old, and talking about “would you have sex with your man in the prison cell”.

Is either wrong…I can’t say that it is, after all, we are all human, right. I mean, I would be foolish if I said I wasn’t interested if a model walked up to me and wanted to have a night on the town….

(he said, blushing)

But I think there is clearly a difference in what people see as either a “loved one” and “their man”. I have noticed in about 5 years of writing on prison issues, if I got 5000 emails or pms or comments (and that is a low number) I think at LEAST 99% of them have been from people with “loved ones” in prison.

Not people with “men” in prison.

Why? Why is there such a wide difference? Well, to me it seems to show the commitment to the relationship. Again, you don’t have to be married to have a “loved one” in prison, you just have to deeply love that man to the bottom of your heart. And if that “man” is embedded that deeply, you are truly in love with him, not casually because he got tatz or has a hot body or something superficial. You love him because you feel that God blessed you with this person, who although is not perfect, is indeed perfect to you.

How many of you feel that way about your “man”? Love goes much further than a tattoo, a picture, or the sex you can’t have with him now. Much further. And when it does, you know that he is not just “your man” he is your “loved one”.

“So what the hell does that have to do with sites? Are you saying I am wrong to talk about my man? I miss him too!”

No, I am not arguing whether you miss him, because I do believe you do. But listen to me, and understand what I am saying… the PAIN for a loved one is much deeper than the pain of casual love.

Some posts talk about whether you should date other men while your “man” is in prison…well, then he was never your “loved one” was he?

When you are looking for real support, you first have to determine if the man you are worried about is REALLY a man you love. If not, then you aren’t really looking for SUPPORT, are you? It is more like a fetish. Again, is this wrong? No. We all have fetishes. Some more innocent than others.

The word “fetish” is defined as “anything in which foolishly excessive respect or devotion is given”…

OUCH, just stepped on some toes there.

Is it wrong to talk about “you man’s tatz”? Well, I don’t think so. If it keeps you remembering him, that is fine. Is it wrong to share pictures of “your man” on sites? Well, I guess not, because if you like him so much, what is the harm in sharing that?

But when I write for support, I know that the people most likely to read my stuff are people who LOVE their men. This does not mean that they won’t be tested to the breaking point, because many people with loved ones in prison are at the crossroads. But that’s why they are looking for help, or SUPPORT. By no means am I a marriage counselor, and I am also no lawyer, but what I do know a little bit about is the prison life, and how my emotions and feeling are not totally unique to just me.

That means that what little I share is usually shunned by those with “men” in prison, because what I share is often not superficial. I try to open up my heart and mind to try to share what other guys in prison might feel, because most times they are not going to tell you. A man has GOT to be a man while in prison, so it is often incredibly hard for them to share their feelings with you. Now, some do, and that is great. But many don’t, which is why women with “loved ones” read prison blogs or go to prison sites. They need support.

This actually is a good test for some people, to sit down and determine if the man they post or talk about is really their “man” or their “loved one”. The difference is maturity and commitment. If he’s your “man” then it is likely that you are interested in the carnal desires, like his appearance, his tattoos, the sex you had with him and whether you are really committed to him or not.

If he is your “loved one”, then you want to know what you can do to HELP him, not just talk about how nice he looks. You want to understand his feelings, so you can be of some encouragement to him. Your soul aches because you and he are one, and you feel split apart.

It’s either love or lust.

And I know I have written several things about “your man”, but I didn’t write that for the curious. I knew they would not read it anyway, or put much weight on it. I wrote it for those who are really concerned for someone they really care about.

So let me say again, is it wrong to talk about “your man”? Of course not. But when you are looking for real support, you have to determine if that human being is just a “man” or your “loved one”. There is a huge difference. And if you are going to be of a help to him, you need to make your choice. Because there is a man in prison that needs to know if his “woman” or “loved one” really cares about him.

Now understand, we are not talking about models of society; we are talking about inmates. And for many people, the separation might be something that they cannot overcome. But for what it is worth, these people are trying to find answers. They don’t want to give up on someone that took a piece of their heart. So they look for help, for support, to get through these tough times, and maybe encourage their loved ones.

So, is there a difference? Absolutely. Does that make one side wrong and the other right…no. And the funny thing is that no matter how it is said, someone is going to take this out of context. But from everything I have written, there clearly is a difference between “your man” and “your loved one”. But one thing cannot be argued…

Some “man” in prison is missing you. Is he your “loved one”?