How can you keep him positive? There are a number of things I want to chat with you about today, and I may have to break it into a few different blogs, for a subject issue from a particular reader who emailed me. It is my intent to do my best to share what I can on particular prison issues so I can be of some help. As I say that, I encourage some of you who read by are afraid to email me to consider getting in touch. These blogs are only going to be as strong as the support I get. Last night I said to myself, “I am not blogging tomorrow if nobody responds or if I don’t get support for my works”. I meant it. But today I get up, and check my email and I have some emails from people who are reading my blogs. As soon as I read them, I said to myself, “I have to blog”. If they took the time to email me, I owe it to them to help them if I can. Which is where I am now. I got an email from a reader who remembers my previous blogs (before depression forced me to remove them from the internet). She brought up something that I truly feel many other readers need to address. How do you keep them positive in prison? I won’t share her particulars, but in essence she went to visit him, and he was so depressed that he broke down and cried at the visit. One very touching thing he said that I know all to well… “I want to go home”. How in the name of God can you comfort a person who says that? If a person has any humanity inside of them, it would touch the deepest parts of your soul. What was she supposed to do when she sees her loved one broken down? I want to address that…because I have been there. Since I know my “Grades of Honor” books have not been on the best sellers list, I know many probably didn’t know that my first couple of books actually touched on this thought. I made a post awhile back about crying in prison, and before I get any jerks with the “that’s what you get”, I REALLY suggest you stop reading because this blog is not about shoveling hot coals over somebody’s head. To that person that emailed me about this, and to the many people who can put an “amen” to her situation, let me say this; don’t give in. And that sounds simple, but we all know how hard it is. I have broken down MANY times while in county jail, and as some of you know, I attempted suicide more than once. While in prison, I broke down a few times and cried. My second book covers that pretty well; even now when I recount it I get a heavy heart. The reader told me how bad he felt, and how he had a lot of beggars who asked him for stuff…I know about that too. I know I gave away much more than I received, even though I had a hustle. Maybe I was too soft, maybe I had a kind heart, or maybe I was just foolish. But sometimes you wonder if your “charity” is actually based on atonement. Sometimes we give not because we want to, but because we feel that we owe it because of our faults. And maybe that is part of the depression, because it falls on guilt. Now, I am not going to sit here and say that every inmate in prison feels that way, to be sure there are a lot of jerks in prison that NEED to stay there. But there are in fact a lot of guys that screwed up, and want nothing better to just do their time and get a second chance at life. But often times that guilt and condemnation, with the conditions of prison life, can really break you down. How can you change that so that you can help him? Mentally and maybe spiritually, this is very possible, but physically, you can’t… Or CAN you? No, you can’t break him out, but physically speaking, there are some things you can do. The first is what you are doing right now, being there for him. Sometimes a cry can help more than you understand. Maybe he needed someone to pour his heart out to in hopes to get a grasp on his situation. Perhaps you were the only “release valve” he had, and as such, you, just by being there, allowed him to be human for just a few minutes. When I broke down in the shower (as in my book), I cried and cried, hating life, hating myself, even hating God. But after a time, I had cried all I could. I had hit the bottom, and once you do that, you can only go up. That does not mean I was happy and joyful, because I was still depressed, but I didn’t feel as miserable as I did. Once you find that point, you then can see that there is hope. There is a tomorrow. For you on the outside, if your loved one breaks down, YOU have to be strong. He needs that from you. Even if you cry, that is ok, after all, we are human. But you gotta make sure that he understands that you are there for him, and you are GOING to be there for him. Give him a foundation that somebody loves him. Give him a reason to look for tomorrow. Then, work on giving him hope. What does that mean? That means finding ways to encourage him, that means identifying what he would like to do, and nurture that. For example, if your loved one wants to start a business, then add your faith to it and see what it would take for him to make it happen. You don’t have to dive in the library and swamp yourself with all the details, but if you can show interest in his dreams, he would then believe that you believe in him. I don’t like to use cheap advertising, but a person could send an encouraging prison card, or a prison encouragement certificate to lift his spirits. Trust me, there are things you CAN do. You can do this. You have to. He needs hope, and in prison, that is very hard to find. However, with you, it can be as abundant as the sunshine you bring him. Don’t give up on him, and don’t let his depression bring you down.
How can you keep him positive?
There are a number of things I want to chat with you about today, and I may have to break it into a few different blogs, for a subject issue from a particular reader who emailed me. It is my intent to do my best to share what I can on particular prison issues so I can be of some help.
As I say that, I encourage some of you who read by are afraid to email me to consider getting in touch. These blogs are only going to be as strong as the support I get. Last night I said to myself, “I am not blogging tomorrow if nobody responds or if I don’t get support for my works”.
I meant it.
But today I get up, and check my email and I have some emails from people who are reading my blogs. As soon as I read them, I said to myself, “I have to blog”. If they took the time to email me, I owe it to them to help them if I can.
Which is where I am now.
I got an email from a reader who remembers my previous blogs (before depression forced me to remove them from the internet). She brought up something that I truly feel many other readers need to address.
How do you keep them positive in prison?
I won’t share her particulars, but in essence she went to visit him, and he was so depressed that he broke down and cried at the visit. One very touching thing he said that I know all to well…
“I want to go home”.
How in the name of God can you comfort a person who says that? If a person has any humanity inside of them, it would touch the deepest parts of your soul. What was she supposed to do when she sees her loved one broken down?
I want to address that…because I have been there.
Since I know my “Grades of Honor” books have not been on the best sellers list, I know many probably didn’t know that my first couple of books actually touched on this thought.
I made a post awhile back about crying in prison, and before I get any jerks with the “that’s what you get”, I REALLY suggest you stop reading because this blog is not about shoveling hot coals over somebody’s head.
To that person that emailed me about this, and to the many people who can put an “amen” to her situation, let me say this; don’t give in.
And that sounds simple, but we all know how hard it is. I have broken down MANY times while in county jail, and as some of you know, I attempted suicide more than once.
While in prison, I broke down a few times and cried. My second book covers that pretty well; even now when I recount it I get a heavy heart. The reader told me how bad he felt, and how he had a lot of beggars who asked him for stuff…I know about that too.
I know I gave away much more than I received, even though I had a hustle. Maybe I was too soft, maybe I had a kind heart, or maybe I was just foolish. But sometimes you wonder if your “charity” is actually based on atonement. Sometimes we give not because we want to, but because we feel that we owe it because of our faults.
And maybe that is part of the depression, because it falls on guilt. Now, I am not going to sit here and say that every inmate in prison feels that way, to be sure there are a lot of jerks in prison that NEED to stay there.
But there are in fact a lot of guys that screwed up, and want nothing better to just do their time and get a second chance at life. But often times that guilt and condemnation, with the conditions of prison life, can really break you down.
How can you change that so that you can help him?
Mentally and maybe spiritually, this is very possible, but physically, you can’t…
Or CAN you?
No, you can’t break him out, but physically speaking, there are some things you can do. The first is what you are doing right now, being there for him. Sometimes a cry can help more than you understand. Maybe he needed someone to pour his heart out to in hopes to get a grasp on his situation. Perhaps you were the only “release valve” he had, and as such, you, just by being there, allowed him to be human for just a few minutes.
When I broke down in the shower (as in my book), I cried and cried, hating life, hating myself, even hating God. But after a time, I had cried all I could. I had hit the bottom, and once you do that, you can only go up. That does not mean I was happy and joyful, because I was still depressed, but I didn’t feel as miserable as I did.
Once you find that point, you then can see that there is hope. There is a tomorrow.
For you on the outside, if your loved one breaks down, YOU have to be strong. He needs that from you. Even if you cry, that is ok, after all, we are human. But you gotta make sure that he understands that you are there for him, and you are GOING to be there for him. Give him a foundation that somebody loves him. Give him a reason to look for tomorrow.
Then, work on giving him hope. What does that mean? That means finding ways to encourage him, that means identifying what he would like to do, and nurture that. For example, if your loved one wants to start a business, then add your faith to it and see what it would take for him to make it happen. You don’t have to dive in the library and swamp yourself with all the details, but if you can show interest in his dreams, he would then believe that you believe in him.
I don’t like to use cheap advertising, but a person could send an encouraging prison card, or a prison encouragement certificate to lift his spirits.
Trust me, there are things you CAN do. You can do this. You have to.
He needs hope, and in prison, that is very hard to find. However, with you, it can be as abundant as the sunshine you bring him. Don’t give up on him, and don’t let his depression bring you down.
That was fantastic and I thank you for sharing that. I do my best to encourage my guy. I write, a lot and even though upbeat is important he wants to know about the down spots too; it keeps him connected on more than one level, he says. So...I tell him what there is to tell because, even though he can't come here to help us out, he can pray where he is and that is the best help.
I am new to these sites but from what I reading I have to say I am sorry it took so long for me to find them. My guy has several years left and some days are really hard for me but then I remember, I am still out here, free world, and he is behind the wall. So I stand tall and when I write or he calls he KNOWS that I love him...
Thanks again. I look forward to reading more!
I am so glad that you shared that, because it is important that people let others know that they are doing their best to encourage their loved ones. And you make an excellent point about even sharing negative news. Sometimes you have to tell your loved ones in prison about the problems you are having or the problems "outside the prison". Or as one guy I knew liked to call it, "that real world out there".
By doing that you are allowing him to still be a part of your life. It is important to keep him encouraged, but even if you have to deliver bad news, it does not mean that you are making his life miserable. Inmates do want to be told of what is going on, they don't want to be left out of such information, only to be surprised with it later. So I agree fully with you that sometimes you have to share bad news sometimes.
When you do, it is important to strive to bring back the encouragement and strength to keep him and you going. It's like sometimes people only like to be the bearers of bad news, but rarely tell you of any good news. In an odd way, keeping him positive can include sharing your life with him, the good and bad. Don't give up on encouragement, even though there may be times that you just don't feel like it. We all go through that, but if you can endure until you feel better to keep him encouraged, both of you will find strength together. I can't tell you how valuable that is to an inmate who needs to hear it from his loved ones.
You just hang in there and do what you are doing, my very best wishes to you.
Thank you for the response and the best wishes...I send the same to you.
He told me a while ago that he wants to know what is going on with me, family, etc because it is very easy to disconnect from everything inside. By being kept informed he maintains contact. It will be difficult enough for him to adjust when he comes home.
You are so right about that. Lots of times just hearing about the world outside of prison can really help a guy when all he sees every day is prison this and prison that. I will admit, weekends were kinda helpful to me when I was in prison because as a sports fan, I could always talk to one of my two brothers about it when I called home. I can't tell you how valuable it is for an inmate to be able to separate himself from all the things of prison and hear about the world they wish they could be in. It also gives them something else to think about, rather than the constants of prison like lock downs, chow time, other inmates and things like that.
I agree with you as well about how difficult it can be when he gets out, all the more reason to think ahead from both sides to see what obstacles he may have so you can either prepare for them, or find ways to overcome them. Anything the two of you can do now to prepare will make it much calmer for him when he gets out. The last few days before an inmate is released can be very anxious because there is the unknown of what might happen, and if they can handle the pressures of a new lease on life. Talk to him about what concerns him and see if there are things you can do to help curve or even conquer those fears by the time he is released. You have my very best wishes.