Note to those reading, this is one of a few thousand posts I have shared on my blogs, and I hope this might be a little helpful to some of you:
What happens AFTER you leave the visit? I KNOW I wrote an article about that somewhere around here, either as a post or on my prison blog. But since I am writing this over the weekend, it just seems kinda timely to try to put into perspective what goes on in prison after you leave the visitation area. Kinda like the “behind the scenes” of the visit. I am reminded of a reader of my blog; a parent from Tennessee, who had a visit with her son, and was told how he didn’t like the visits. She thought he was talking about not wanting to see her, but was told by her son how painful it can be when she leaves, and he has to get back into the prison mode again. She didn’t really understand why some guys feel bad AFTER the visit. And I actually got a few other moms, wives and girlfriends who had mentioned something like this. Lots of people just don’t really understand the mental procedure of inmates after a visit. I want to try to share with you some things that happen after the visitation is over. Sure, you see your loved one before you go; some of you may get a hug, some a kiss, some may get to hold hands. But you look into your loved one’s eyes and maybe for a half second you see a bit of pain, just a spark. But most times guys are not gonna break down in front of you, and not in front of the other guys in visitation either. They have to hold it in, but you don’t have to. How many of you cried on the way back to the car, and halfway home? If it was cool for a man to cry, then the prison would be overflowing with tears. But you can’t do that in prison (at least not in the open) so each inmate has to handle his situation differently. If you read my blogs before, you know I keep saying that I am no expert on this, and I cannot speak for any other inmate except myself, but I have seen a lot of situations after the visit, so I wanted to share some of them. Basically speaking, there are some phases that some inmates are going to go through after the visit. If I had to list them (and I will) I would put it in this order: Shock Reintroduction Separation Anxiety Shame and Guilt Depression Closure Recovery and Normalcy (if you haven’t grabbed a cup of coffee by now, you might as well do that…I tend to talk a bit on my blogs) Now, before we get to those factors, we have to quickly set up a mental stage that some inmates might go through. During your visit, the inmate will often want to hear what YOU have to say, and what YOU are doing. This is important, because keep in mind as an inmate we (when I was in) are surrounded by nothing but prison. We don’t get to go to the mall, we don’t get to see our grandmother, we don’t get to see the puppies the dog had. We don’t get to see the latest movie, we don’t get to watch the latest video (unless the camp has cable…some do). In short, we miss out on everything that life has to offer. If a guy in in prison for a short time, this may not matter too much. But the longer a person is in prison, the more faded his memories are about his former life. That is not to say he forgets what a car looks like, or what McDonalds is, but he misses those simple pleasures we take for granted. So when you come to visit, most times we want to hear everything that you have to say. This in a way brings back a lot of things that we miss, and it pulls us out of the world of prison, and back into that world we left behind. Inside of an hour or two, being with someone you love, looking at them, cherishing every second and listening to what you have to say, time will go like a shot. And when it is over, it is over. But when it ends, your mind is still on that “real world” and all the memories you had when you were out there. That’s when the first step comes in….shock reintroduction. What I mean by that is something I went through. When I was in NC prisons, and had my first visit with my mom, I felt really good to see mom. When she left, I was probably still feeling pretty good…until the strip search. After the visit, inmates are usually subject to a search. In some cases, it might be a light patdown…in other cases it can be a strip search. That is what I had. I know it is part of the rules, so I cannot argue, but the fact that I had to strip naked was a very cold shock back into the world I was now living. I might have liked the discussions of Dominoes Pizza, or the latest movie my family saw, but all that was washed away in a second when I had to “drop em”. I can’t tell you how EMBARASSING that is….. But it is part of the rules; I knew I had to have a strip search, but I HATED it. It actually was one of the reasons I hated visits. I didn’t like the shock of going from feeling good to the cold snap of being back in prison. For lots of guys, this shock is milder and quicker to realize. To some, it is like getting ice water dashed against your body unawares. And I think for me, that shock lasts from the time I have to strip until they are finished with me… (don’t get to excited, it wasn’t like a body cavity search…) After they are done, I put my prison clothes back on, reminding me of where I was, and I was free to go back to the dorm, or outside on the yard if it was open. It’s about that time when the second step is realized…separation anxiety. It is about that time that I realize mom is gone home, and I get kinda lonely. It is about that time that an inmate realizes that the people they love are gone…almost…leaving them there in prison. It’s kinda like that sad little puppy with his nose against the glass as the owner leaves to go to work. In a lot of ways, this is painful because sometimes you wonder if the people you love will ever come back…you wonder if those people you love will ever see you again. You start to miss that person very deeply. In my case, mom was gone. She’s not coming back, even if I cried out to her. She can’t come back…the visitation is over and the prison is not going to let her back in. In those few seconds you begin to miss your loved one and wish you could buy another 15 minutes, knowing you can’t. Now keep in mind, these steps are going on inside the inmate’s head, they are not going to act out these feelings. In all likelihood, they have to “man up” and get that tough skin back so when they get back to prison population, they will be the same guy that left there. Let me pause here and say that somewhere around here are two short stories I wrote, one about Mothers’ Day in prison, and another called 4th of July in prison. Both are short stories I wrote the day before the holiday, and both show a small taste of what an inmate might go through after a visit. You might want to check those out if you can find them. But when it comes to separation anxiety, the feeling grows inside of you that you miss that mom, that wife, that girlfriend, or whomever that came to visit you. It is another painful emotion that is hard to control, which may spin into the next step… Shame and Guilt: One of the natural responses to separation anxiety while in prison is to realize WHY you are suffering that separation anxiety. I mean, let’s be serious, it isn’t because you went off to boy scout camp. It’s because you are in prison. You…are…a…criminal. It’s simple cause and effect. You miss your loved ones after the visit because you are in prison. You are in prison because you broke the law and was found guilty of a crime, and thus sentenced to prison. It’s the realization of failure, the understanding that you have failed in your life, and brought misery and sadness to many people, maybe more than you know. It is the idea that your worth in the world is no more than a couple of rocks on the side of the road. It is at this time that an in inmate can start to feel the guilt of what they have done. And I don’t say this lightly, as if inmates never think about this. They know that the ones they love are hurting, but once you get in prison, you try to concentrate on just doing your time. And most guys can do that…until they have that visit. Then they are reminded again of the shame and guilt of what put them there. If left to dwell on this long enough, it can snowball into a depression. One of the better things to do is to simply DO something, maybe go out on the yard, or talk to another guy. But many inmates like to go to bed, or take a nap…which sometimes isn’t the best thing to do, because it makes your mind idle…and as they say, the idle mind is the devil’s playground. That’s when depression sets in. This is when guys REALLY get sick after the visit. This is when guys really know that prison sucks, and their life is crap. This is when guys “hit the wall” and need to do something to curve the depression or they are going to crack. When I had my visits, I would take a nap and put my prison jacket over my head. If I was in a cell…I would probably cry a bit. If I was in a dorm, I needed to get some rest or put on my headphone plug and listen to something…anything. In short, we are fighting for sanity. Every guys that has a visit misses something that is very near and dear to them, and when depression sets in, it is like the mind is paralyzed and can’t think of anything positive. This is dangerous because if you don’t do something about it, you will make a downward spiral in your emotions. But in most cases, maybe it has to spiral…it has to hit rock bottom so that you realize that there is little you can do to change the fact that you are in prison. It is about that time where you get to the next step…closure. Perhaps the better word is acceptance, because after the poison of depression runs its course (usually cured by some rest, some food or just some simple company), you realize that this is where you are, and where you are going to be for awhile. You were in prison before the visit started, you were in prison during the visit, and you are still in prison after the visitation is over. Not much has changed. And for what it’s worth, you’re still alive. When the inmate accepts where he is, he starts to remember and acknowledge what prison life is for him, and stops fighting the “what ifs”…. You know, a LOT of you need to do that….stop worrying about the “what ifs”. For me, after a nap or so, I realize that I can carry this 10-ton burden the rest of the day, or drop it and just live the life that is in front of me. As I mentioned, guys will either take a nap, get something to eat or go out on the yard and chat with other guys. These are the ways the inmate can get accustomed back into prison life, after being so close to the real world in the visit you had earlier. Once the inmate can do this, he’s back in the game (such as it is) and can then move to the last step, recovery and normalcy. Simply put, this is the regular life of prison, and the focus of doing his or her time as best they can. This might mean going to canteen, it might mean watching something on tv, it might mean a card game with a few guys, it might mean a hustle to make a few dollars, whatever he was doing before the visit, that life has to continue. He can’t worry about the mall, McDonalds, the movie theatre, the clubs or anything like that because he can’t be a part of it anyway. It’s nice to think about it once and awhile, but why punish yourself with what you don’t have? I can sit here depressed at why I can’t take that 3 week cruise around the islands, or I can go on with life and just get some ice cold lemonade. Life goes on folks, and in prison, the best way to carry on is to do what you were doing. When the inmate can get back into the flow of prison life, he will be ok as far as getting over the visit. To be sure, there is positive encouragement and rehabilitation when you get to see your loved one, but many inmates will have heavy hearts when you leave. But if the guys allow nature to kinda guide them, they will come back to the understanding that the memories of that visit can always stay with them, and no officer can make that go away. So, how long would it take for an inmate to recover? Months? Weeks? Of course not! Heck, they’ll be ok in a few hours. At least I was. I think most inmates recover in shorter periods, especially if they get around other guys and talk about stuff. This means that even though I talked about a lot of steps, many of them are covered in minutes…maybe seconds. In fact, they’ll recover faster than you will. While you’re driving home crying and worried about your loved one, he will very likely have already made peace with the situation and have gone back to coping in prison… Maybe you ought to do the same. I mean, as long as he’s going to be in prison, you might as well focus on encouraging him and being positive. Heck, if you do that, he’ll be even in a better condition to cope after the visit. And maybe, so will you.
What happens AFTER you leave the visit?
I KNOW I wrote an article about that somewhere around here, either as a post or on my prison blog. But since I am writing this over the weekend, it just seems kinda timely to try to put into perspective what goes on in prison after you leave the visitation area. Kinda like the “behind the scenes” of the visit.
I am reminded of a reader of my blog; a parent from Tennessee, who had a visit with her son, and was told how he didn’t like the visits. She thought he was talking about not wanting to see her, but was told by her son how painful it can be when she leaves, and he has to get back into the prison mode again.
She didn’t really understand why some guys feel bad AFTER the visit. And I actually got a few other moms, wives and girlfriends who had mentioned something like this. Lots of people just don’t really understand the mental procedure of inmates after a visit.
I want to try to share with you some things that happen after the visitation is over. Sure, you see your loved one before you go; some of you may get a hug, some a kiss, some may get to hold hands. But you look into your loved one’s eyes and maybe for a half second you see a bit of pain, just a spark.
But most times guys are not gonna break down in front of you, and not in front of the other guys in visitation either. They have to hold it in, but you don’t have to. How many of you cried on the way back to the car, and halfway home?
If it was cool for a man to cry, then the prison would be overflowing with tears. But you can’t do that in prison (at least not in the open) so each inmate has to handle his situation differently.
If you read my blogs before, you know I keep saying that I am no expert on this, and I cannot speak for any other inmate except myself, but I have seen a lot of situations after the visit, so I wanted to share some of them.
Basically speaking, there are some phases that some inmates are going to go through after the visit. If I had to list them (and I will) I would put it in this order:
Shock Reintroduction
Separation Anxiety
Shame and Guilt
Depression
Closure
Recovery and Normalcy
(if you haven’t grabbed a cup of coffee by now, you might as well do that…I tend to talk a bit on my blogs)
Now, before we get to those factors, we have to quickly set up a mental stage that some inmates might go through. During your visit, the inmate will often want to hear what YOU have to say, and what YOU are doing.
This is important, because keep in mind as an inmate we (when I was in) are surrounded by nothing but prison. We don’t get to go to the mall, we don’t get to see our grandmother, we don’t get to see the puppies the dog had. We don’t get to see the latest movie, we don’t get to watch the latest video (unless the camp has cable…some do).
In short, we miss out on everything that life has to offer. If a guy in in prison for a short time, this may not matter too much. But the longer a person is in prison, the more faded his memories are about his former life. That is not to say he forgets what a car looks like, or what McDonalds is, but he misses those simple pleasures we take for granted.
So when you come to visit, most times we want to hear everything that you have to say. This in a way brings back a lot of things that we miss, and it pulls us out of the world of prison, and back into that world we left behind.
Inside of an hour or two, being with someone you love, looking at them, cherishing every second and listening to what you have to say, time will go like a shot. And when it is over, it is over. But when it ends, your mind is still on that “real world” and all the memories you had when you were out there.
That’s when the first step comes in….shock reintroduction.
What I mean by that is something I went through. When I was in NC prisons, and had my first visit with my mom, I felt really good to see mom. When she left, I was probably still feeling pretty good…until the strip search.
After the visit, inmates are usually subject to a search. In some cases, it might be a light patdown…in other cases it can be a strip search. That is what I had.
I know it is part of the rules, so I cannot argue, but the fact that I had to strip naked was a very cold shock back into the world I was now living. I might have liked the discussions of Dominoes Pizza, or the latest movie my family saw, but all that was washed away in a second when I had to “drop em”.
I can’t tell you how EMBARASSING that is…..
But it is part of the rules; I knew I had to have a strip search, but I HATED it. It actually was one of the reasons I hated visits. I didn’t like the shock of going from feeling good to the cold snap of being back in prison.
For lots of guys, this shock is milder and quicker to realize. To some, it is like getting ice water dashed against your body unawares. And I think for me, that shock lasts from the time I have to strip until they are finished with me…
(don’t get to excited, it wasn’t like a body cavity search…)
After they are done, I put my prison clothes back on, reminding me of where I was, and I was free to go back to the dorm, or outside on the yard if it was open. It’s about that time when the second step is realized…separation anxiety.
It is about that time that I realize mom is gone home, and I get kinda lonely. It is about that time that an inmate realizes that the people they love are gone…almost…leaving them there in prison.
It’s kinda like that sad little puppy with his nose against the glass as the owner leaves to go to work. In a lot of ways, this is painful because sometimes you wonder if the people you love will ever come back…you wonder if those people you love will ever see you again.
You start to miss that person very deeply. In my case, mom was gone. She’s not coming back, even if I cried out to her. She can’t come back…the visitation is over and the prison is not going to let her back in. In those few seconds you begin to miss your loved one and wish you could buy another 15 minutes, knowing you can’t.
Now keep in mind, these steps are going on inside the inmate’s head, they are not going to act out these feelings. In all likelihood, they have to “man up” and get that tough skin back so when they get back to prison population, they will be the same guy that left there.
Let me pause here and say that somewhere around here are two short stories I wrote, one about Mothers’ Day in prison, and another called 4th of July in prison. Both are short stories I wrote the day before the holiday, and both show a small taste of what an inmate might go through after a visit. You might want to check those out if you can find them.
But when it comes to separation anxiety, the feeling grows inside of you that you miss that mom, that wife, that girlfriend, or whomever that came to visit you. It is another painful emotion that is hard to control, which may spin into the next step…
Shame and Guilt: One of the natural responses to separation anxiety while in prison is to realize WHY you are suffering that separation anxiety. I mean, let’s be serious, it isn’t because you went off to boy scout camp. It’s because you are in prison.
You…are…a…criminal.
It’s simple cause and effect. You miss your loved ones after the visit because you are in prison. You are in prison because you broke the law and was found guilty of a crime, and thus sentenced to prison.
It’s the realization of failure, the understanding that you have failed in your life, and brought misery and sadness to many people, maybe more than you know. It is the idea that your worth in the world is no more than a couple of rocks on the side of the road.
It is at this time that an in inmate can start to feel the guilt of what they have done. And I don’t say this lightly, as if inmates never think about this. They know that the ones they love are hurting, but once you get in prison, you try to concentrate on just doing your time. And most guys can do that…until they have that visit.
Then they are reminded again of the shame and guilt of what put them there.
If left to dwell on this long enough, it can snowball into a depression. One of the better things to do is to simply DO something, maybe go out on the yard, or talk to another guy. But many inmates like to go to bed, or take a nap…which sometimes isn’t the best thing to do, because it makes your mind idle…and as they say, the idle mind is the devil’s playground.
That’s when depression sets in.
This is when guys REALLY get sick after the visit. This is when guys really know that prison sucks, and their life is crap. This is when guys “hit the wall” and need to do something to curve the depression or they are going to crack. When I had my visits, I would take a nap and put my prison jacket over my head. If I was in a cell…I would probably cry a bit. If I was in a dorm, I needed to get some rest or put on my headphone plug and listen to something…anything.
In short, we are fighting for sanity.
Every guys that has a visit misses something that is very near and dear to them, and when depression sets in, it is like the mind is paralyzed and can’t think of anything positive. This is dangerous because if you don’t do something about it, you will make a downward spiral in your emotions.
But in most cases, maybe it has to spiral…it has to hit rock bottom so that you realize that there is little you can do to change the fact that you are in prison. It is about that time where you get to the next step…closure.
Perhaps the better word is acceptance, because after the poison of depression runs its course (usually cured by some rest, some food or just some simple company), you realize that this is where you are, and where you are going to be for awhile. You were in prison before the visit started, you were in prison during the visit, and you are still in prison after the visitation is over.
Not much has changed.
And for what it’s worth, you’re still alive.
When the inmate accepts where he is, he starts to remember and acknowledge what prison life is for him, and stops fighting the “what ifs”….
You know, a LOT of you need to do that….stop worrying about the “what ifs”.
For me, after a nap or so, I realize that I can carry this 10-ton burden the rest of the day, or drop it and just live the life that is in front of me. As I mentioned, guys will either take a nap, get something to eat or go out on the yard and chat with other guys. These are the ways the inmate can get accustomed back into prison life, after being so close to the real world in the visit you had earlier.
Once the inmate can do this, he’s back in the game (such as it is) and can then move to the last step, recovery and normalcy. Simply put, this is the regular life of prison, and the focus of doing his or her time as best they can.
This might mean going to canteen, it might mean watching something on tv, it might mean a card game with a few guys, it might mean a hustle to make a few dollars, whatever he was doing before the visit, that life has to continue. He can’t worry about the mall, McDonalds, the movie theatre, the clubs or anything like that because he can’t be a part of it anyway. It’s nice to think about it once and awhile, but why punish yourself with what you don’t have?
I can sit here depressed at why I can’t take that 3 week cruise around the islands, or I can go on with life and just get some ice cold lemonade. Life goes on folks, and in prison, the best way to carry on is to do what you were doing.
When the inmate can get back into the flow of prison life, he will be ok as far as getting over the visit. To be sure, there is positive encouragement and rehabilitation when you get to see your loved one, but many inmates will have heavy hearts when you leave. But if the guys allow nature to kinda guide them, they will come back to the understanding that the memories of that visit can always stay with them, and no officer can make that go away.
So, how long would it take for an inmate to recover? Months? Weeks?
Of course not! Heck, they’ll be ok in a few hours.
At least I was. I think most inmates recover in shorter periods, especially if they get around other guys and talk about stuff. This means that even though I talked about a lot of steps, many of them are covered in minutes…maybe seconds.
In fact, they’ll recover faster than you will. While you’re driving home crying and worried about your loved one, he will very likely have already made peace with the situation and have gone back to coping in prison…
Maybe you ought to do the same. I mean, as long as he’s going to be in prison, you might as well focus on encouraging him and being positive. Heck, if you do that, he’ll be even in a better condition to cope after the visit.
And maybe, so will you.
thank-you ever so much for this open honest part of yourself......i get to visit my only son every other sunday,for two hours. it is the highlight of my month,.when my son first comes in to the visit area he is all smiles. he hugs me hard[i love it] i reach up to touch his sweet face and kiss his cheek as i always done when he was little, or got an owie. we talk of many things. i watch his eyes,they tell the true story.his smile tries to hide.....know matter what we both try not to break there in visiting. but as we hug good-bye.i see a deeper hurt come into those eyes i know so well. i make it out of his site and the tears begin. but im know stranger to these tears nor the deep aching pain in my heart. we get to have phone time most everyday for 15min. lots of humorous cards are sent as well as letters and pictures. he tells me they are his life line....many are shared with some of the inmates....many tell him to tell mom[me] hi and keep the cards and letters coming.if only the family and friends of these inmates could see this on going pain,,,,if only they would send a picture post card,but they leave these men behind,,,and go on. almost like out of site out of mind.....how can they do that...? martha [a mother waits]
mother waiting for son to stand in kitchen,with fridge door open,,,to hear whats to eat mom?