Ladies, I want to share something with you all. I dont want this to frighten you but I think that it is something that all of us should recognize and understand so that we can prevent this from affecting our relationships.
Statistics say that 85% of men divorce after leaving prison. The reasoning behind that is that fact that they are so used to be instatutionalized that they are not able to cope with the ideas of the free world. The wife or girlfriend gets independant and now takes care of home, kids, bills, car, even minor and in some cases major repair work around the house. We become independant because we have no choice. Its like being a child and having to grow up really fast in order to make it in life, due to difficult situations.
Its not that we dont want our husband to take over, its just that we are programed to be the mother, father, care provider, financial suporter, etc.
Men also have a hard time letting that wall come down. Let me explain that. When a man goes to prison he has to pretty much shut down emotionally. he can not allow his emotions and thoughts of home to linger in his mind too much. We as women, have eachother to talk to and console one another, but our men in prison, can not trust anyone. They surely cant show emotions such as crying cus they miss us, they will marked as being weak minded and then they are tried. So that wall that they have built up is going to be slow coming down. You need to really be patient with him. Give him time to readjust and please dont pressure him too much to do to much. Dont expect him to want to come home and be around a crowd of people immediatly. He needs to slowly come back into the world that he has left behind so long ago.
I learned this at a marriage seminar that I took last week and I must tell you that it was eye opening to say the least. It is not enough to get those few hours a week to keep your marriage together. It takes so much more than that and please dont fool yourself to believe that this statistic doesnt include you. 85 is a large number. That could be me, you, or the next person, so we have to be prepared and know how to handle our men when they come home. With gentle words, and loads of patience.
I know how to handle mine when he comes home! ROFLOMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are too funny
I remember when Lonnie first went to prison last year, I was scouring the internet for information. I came across that "other" site and somewhere on there I had found a thread that listed all the things I should be looking out for when he comes home. Like not wanting to be around crowds, not finding it easy to make decisions, being very emotionally closed off. All of the things it listed actually frightened me!! So as I was in tears reading this thing I wrote Lonnie this long letter asking him about all of these things. He explained to me that yes some of it was very true, but other things pretty much pretained to someone serving a long LONG time. *whew* I was relieved! I was beginning to think I might have to come hang out in the restroom with him to make him feel comfortable....LOL!! He explained to me that alot of the issues he did go through in the early 90s because he did 12yrs from around 80 to 92.
But right now he more emotionally connected to me than he ever was before he went in so if all of THAT stops when he gets out, its going to feel like he is from another planet.
Cin
Hey Mrs Cooper, We all could use more of the marriage seminar. We need to lower these numbers. 85% are you kidding me.That's alot of what is wrong with this world. people don't take there vows seriousely enough anymore. and because of this our children are suffering the most. While their parents get devorced and go start a new life with someone else that might be as bad or worse as the spouce they left. Everyone forgot about "in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health ,till death do us part. Don't get me wrong. I am no saint at all. I had my share of sins in my life but I can honestly say adultry was never one of my sins. unlike my husband. Oh yea, with his crazy exwife of all people.And I Forgive them. It's not up to me to judge him or her because their day will come to answer to some higher one up than me.
Susan,
You are so right about the vows we make. Nowadays it is so easy to get divorced that half of those that dont want to work at it take the easy way out. My husband is no exception to that rule, However I stand firmly planted and tell him time after time, Marriage is hard work and if you give up on it you fail. I meant that for him, and only him, I dont judge anyone elses choices.
I too have look past adultry, as painful as it was, I decided what was more important, my pride ( cuz everyone knew he was a whore,) or my marriage. I choose my marriage. now should he do it again I pray im strong enough to walk cuz he only gets 30thousand chances and he has already used those up. LOL
Look, life is about chances, we take them daily, I would rather fix my marriage to my husband now than to start over with someone new, who more than likely will be the same way. He is a man right? Not that all men are the same, im sure there are some men that wont cheat, but geesh,,,,,,
None of us are saints, we are all sinners and to God no sin in greater than the other, so I really try hard not to judge my husband or be little him for his mistakes. God takes care of those, Look where he is at! I told my husband time after time, God dont like ugly, and Karma is a ***, and it will come back to you but not always in the same way, and look. This is really hurting him, more so than me cheating, which i would never do, not because he doesnt deserve the payback, but because I honor my vows and my husband and mostly God.
Let me get off my soap box I am soo sorry,,,, this is something i can rant and reave about.......... If you read my book you will see the things that i have had to endure, and trust you me, if i can make my marriage work, anyone can.
i believe that, my fiance' got out one week ago, even tho he only did a 2 yr bid, i am seeing doubts iguess. granted, he is more affectionate with me than before he went in, but today he started to open up and talk, and this comes as his friends and family are coming around more, he said he did not know why but when i like hold on to him in public and be affectionate to him he feels embarrased, that really hurt me, but he says it is not me it is him and he does not understand why he feels that way. he tells me how much he loves me and i am his best friend because i waited and i am so strong, but i am getting the feeling he is asking for that space for freedom. he says he realizes he does not really know who he is, i love him so much and we are to married next month, but now iam having doubts and wondering if i should wait a bit and let him be free to see what he does. he was incarcerated for something he did not do but took a plea out of fear. i think this affected him more than he is showing. so here i am , scared again that after waiting for him, even tho i know inmy heart he loves me, that i wil have to watch him walk away, cause i know if i truly love him i will grant him that space. am i wrong for these feelings? what is going on with him. someone help me understand all this.
This is quite true, and unfortunately I have seen this quite a bit too. I am an ex offender writing for 7 different prisonblogs, and I have received a lot of emails from women who have problems with their loved ones when they get out. But the truth of it is that it starts BEFORE they get out, and often times the signs are there, but sometimes people choose to ignore it, just wishing that things will get better.
I blogged on this subject a few times because it is critical to understand that there are reasons that this can (and does) happen. I won't go into it much here because I'll end up writing 5 pages, but the bottom line is that it CAN be reversed if both sides have some serious talk about what that man plans to do when he gets out. It is critical that you see if this man is serious about wanting to change, or just feeding you lines...sadly it can be either, and apparenlty the stats prove it.
But there are success stories, so it proves that it can work. I urge you to double your efforts to help your loved one not just physically, but mentally prepare for the freedom. A life in prison is heavily structured, but once out, those barriers fall off, and that wave of freedom can also be very tempting to a guy wanting to do his own thing. Be mindful of that.