When do we forgive?
When do we really forgive?
You know, I sometimes wonder about the burden that ex felons have to
carry, and one of the greatest burdens is that of forgiveness. I think
we as a people are absolutely terrible in that, because we don’t
forgive like we say we do.
Perfect example being inmates, or ex
felons. Society is just not ready to accept the fact that a person can
change, but will not lift a finger to help them, while still expecting
them to walk on water.
Today I am reminded that from a guy I
know, who came by the house today. A few years ago, I invited a guy I
met in prison to come by the house. It’s a much longer story, and if
you have been following my reading over the last few years, you know a
little bit about it. This was a kid who was 16 in jail, and I
befriended him.
Fast forward to me doing my time, and getting out in 2001.
He had been getting in trouble, and was in and out of jail. NOT PRISON,
jail. When he found out I was out, he was glad to hear from me. We
talked many times on the phone while he was in jail, and when he
finally got out, I invited him over to the house to visit. It would be
our first time ever meeting outside of jail. And so he came over…
And stole $600 from the living room.
Let me pause and let that sink in to some of you.
The money was my brothers, who always felt comfortable leaving it on a
table in the living room, I mean, no one ever stole from our house
before. But now we have a problem, and I had to call the police on my
“friend” because he was the only likely person.
The picked him
up and he admitted that he did. We went through all the court
proceedings and since he was in jail for a few months on that charge,
they gave him another month.
Fast forward a couple of years to recently.
My mom said to me that she can see why my brother was very upset, but
she never understood why I was not so upset. After all, he stole from
me too, after the trust I gave him, and all the things I did for him
while we were both in jail, and after I did my time.
I did a hell of a lot for that kid. Way too much to mention here.
And yes I was upset at him, but what else was I supposed to do to him?
Beat the crap out of him? That was never me, and I still felt sorry for
him.
But mom kinda developed an issue against him, and after we
made peace, I knew he was not welcome around the house. But now that
puts me in a particular situation. If I want to be of some kinda
positive influence to a kid that has had a very rough life, how am I
going to show that if he is not welcome at the house?
This is a
problem with “troubled kids”. Nobody wants to do anything about it, and
are too busy blaming the world’s problems on them. But when the problem
is right at your doorstep, we slam the door.
I just could not
do that to him, when maybe my patience could be what keeps him
positive. Somebody has to try, right? We can’t assume that somebody
else will do it.
Well, fast forward to today.
Today I
am playing my Xbox and hanging out, when somebody rings the doorbell.
It’s him. Today has been cloudy with cold rain, and he is standing out
there with a hooded sweatshirt because he needs some help.
His
car lost a tire, and he almost ran off the road about two blocks from
where I live. He asked if we had a phone, and I went and grabbed my
cell phone. As I gave it to him (while outside) I knew my mom and
brother, who was home, might be curious. When my mom asked who it was,
I told her and it was like she deflated of any positive energy. I could
tell she was not happy.
Mom went back to her room while I went
back outside to the guy. He described the situation and needed to call
somebody to give him some help. I quickly went back inside and got some
warmer clothes on, and went back out. I wanted to ask him in, but I
knew my mom was already poking her lips at the situation.
I
resigned myself to help this guy if I could, so I put on a coat, and
told him we needed to get back to his car, and I carried the cell with
me. I could tell when I told mom what I was doing that she didn’t
approve.
I walk with this guy a couple of blocks to the car,
and he told me he was taking classes at the technical college, trying
to improve himself, but he was having the hardest times with
conjunctions. I joked with him saying, “haven’t you seen Schoolhouse
Rock”?
He said he did, but it was just so hard for him to get.
English he is having trouble with, but all the other courses is no
problem…even math. Anyway, we get the car, about 100 yards or so away
and found his tire, that rolled off when it came off the car, and
landed in a nearby ditch. We picked that up, crossed the busy street
and found the hubcap, which was broken, and went to the car.
Throughout the time, he kept mentioning how his shoulder was hurting,
with some throbbing pain. Not like a toothache, as I joked, and he
agreed, but nagging nevertheless. In the cold light rain we decided
that he needed to call somebody, so I let him use my cell to call his
girlfriend, who arrived with her mom. The first thing her mom did was
check the guy out to make sure he was ok, just like a mom.
Once
that was resolved, there was an issue of getting someone to tow the
car. It took longer than we thought, and my cell phone came in handy to
call whomever they needed. They were nice folks and they let me know
that they really, REALLY appreciated me helping the guy.
We
spent about an hour or so waiting for a tow truck, some of that spent
going over some of his math problems. An interesting equation of
exponents and complicated formulas. 2 to the 7th power divided by 2 to
the 5th power times 2 to the 4th power divided by 2 to the 4th power,
or something like that.
He told me that the answer was 1, but
could not figure out why it was. So we went over that, in the cold
rain. Now don’t quote me on the equation, I can’t remember it directly,
but we did look in his book at it.
My understanding from
talking to him was he was trying, and that has to be worth something. I
might be a sucker for some things, but I do have some understanding for
some things. This guy was trying to do right, and as he was coming to
my house to ask about a math problem, his tire came off and he likely
injured his shoulder in the accident. I was likely the only person he
could walk to for help.
So we get everything resolved, and I
was thanked by his girlfriend’s mom for helping. I walked home,
believing that I did something good today. I didn’t change the world or
nothing, but I think I did something good.
But I just felt that
mom didn’t fully understand the situation. I got back home and asked
mom if she knew of that lady, because she said she knows my mom. My mom
could not really remember, but I lightly explained what happened. But
it just did not seem that she really absorbed what happened. It just
seemed that she didn’t approve of me helping him.
And I love my
mom., but I strongly disagree with her. That guy never did anything to
her, his beef would, and should be with me. I hold nothing against him,
but I am cautious with him, even though he is trying. But mom seems to
have just turned a cold shoulder on him. After I explained the short
synopsis to her, I felt that she really didn’t care. And that does not
sit well with me.
We just are not a very forgiving people, and
in my mom’s case, she has no reason to hold anything against that guy.
He didn’t steal from her, he stole from me and my brother. I spent
several months paying my brother back little by little, while working
at a Christian radio station who paid me less than minimum wage, and my
brother told me that he didn’t want me paying him anymore for that. He
felt that what is done is done.
But mom has not let go of it,
and I can tell it makes her bitter. I could have sat there and tried to
explain more, but when she is in that mode, I just leave her be. She’s
gonna notice sooner or later because when I get upset, I don’t talk. So
now I just have to bide my time until she gets out of that zone and
tries to ask me about the accident. When she does, I will keep it
extremely short because that will prompt her to ask me why I was giving
her short answers.
That gives me the room to explain to her
that I feel that she does not care about the situation anyway, and let
her know that her being bitter to that guy isn’t fair to a guy trying
to change. He isn’t perfect, but HELLO, neither am I. He is going to
school, trying to do the right thing, and people are holding on to
something he did years ago, and paid the price for. He did his time, he
served his time, he paid his debt to society. So let it go.
I
wanted to challenge mom and asked whether she would have approved if he
had limped to the front door, bleeding from his head from a very
serious accident. She didn’t know how bad it was, and neither did I.
But it was like she turned cold the moment I mentioned his name. That
isn’t fair to him.
And I love my mom, and we get along in many
things, but this has to change. It’s not like he comes by every day,
heck I have not seen him since late November. I just have to try to get
mom to understand what part she plays in the unforgiving of inmates and
ex felons.
And ironically, she ought to know this, I live it EVERYDAY.
Well, I am not upset at it, just indifferent. Something me and mom have
to discuss. I think if I explain it, she will understand. I just need
her to understand that just as she treats that guy, don’t be surprised
if I am treated the same way.