I have found that the most thrilling feeling is the drive to Ft. Stockton. The anticipation of seeing my husbands smile as he walks though that large metal door that keeps him from me. That first embrace. The part of me that takes in everything about him, the feeling of his arms around me, the taste of the kisses that taste like mints becuase he always has a mint in his mouth, his smell. All of it. I stand there for 2 minutes just taking it all in and soaking every part of it into my being because I know in 2 hours he will depart back through that huge metal door that I have come to hate.
We sit for 2 hours holding hands, talking loveie dovie talk and gazing into eachothers eyes. We talk of dreams of he future, we talk of memories in the past. We talk of regrets and of promises. That is all I have to hold on to when I leave, are the memorires that we have just in two short hours created. Those are memories that take the place of the normal things we do if he were out. However I would rather have these than none at all. I can imagine my life without my husband every saturday. I need those visists. I need that time. I need his strength to get me through.
Leaving, is so hard each time. "5 minutes." says the CO. I hold on even tighter each week. We say our prayer, we get up and walk to the door and sometimes I wish he could just run out with me. Jump in the car and drive as far away as my gas tank will allow. I know this is foolish and we would never do that but its a thought. He alway holds me ever so close and is always the one consoling me. :Baby, be strong, you can do this. You know i love you shchnumkims!" Always with tears in my eyes i reasure him with a crackeling voice that yes, I can do this! Then its time to let go. I always feel as though my body is torn in two when i leave. It isnt natural to leave him there to endure the things he is enduring that he wont talk to me about. We all tend to think that they are okay but the realiy is that they are dealing with so many issues of thier own. They feel hurt, betrayal, resentment, pain, fear. yet, when they come out of those steel walls to face us they mask all those emotions with a smile, so that we dont worry. Every now and then I see a glimpse of pain and fear in his eyes. yet his voice will never tell it. So I pray. I pray every morning and every night that God surrounds my husband with his angels.
Contact visits are my lifeline right now, yet letting go is like losing him all over again...................
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