My First Day in Prison

 

My first day in prison

There are actually a few ways to talk about this, because when I say my first day in prison, most people confuse that with jail. For a small percentage of people, they don't really go through the jail system if they are fortunate to have money for bond. In my case, and about 98% of most people, that may not be possible.

So I could have just as easily said my first day in jail, rather than prison. But I am not going there yet. I wanted to try to share what I felt when I entered Craven Correctional in Vanceboro, North Carolina.

So why am I sharing this? Because I have found that there are so, so very few accounts from former inmates. Let's be honest, it's not like there is a shortage of ex felons in this country. If there are about 2 or 3 million incarcerated now, I bet there may be as many as 10 million or more who have done time. So there certainly are people that COULD talk about prison, but don't or won't.

This makes me no different from them, but it makes those like me a rarity. I don't care if you are a mom in Tennessee, Michigan, California, North Dakota, New York, Florida....anywhere. A mom is a mom, and when she loses someone to the prison system, she is trying to find answers. One of those questions might be "what is my son or daugher going through right now?"

I can't answer that for anyone but myself, but I can at least do that.

So, what was it like for me on my first day in prison?

There are a few ways to answer that, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Actually the hardest to describe is the physical aspect.

Why? Because it wasn't like I was physically beat, or hurt or anything like that. By physical standards I was ok. Maybe tired, but otherwise ok. When I left the county jail and arrived at Vanceboro, it was the first time in about 15 months that I had been outside the jail...I had spent that much time in a cell, a single cell.

In fact, it was about this time of year too, the beginning of the college football season. But again, physically I was ok, maybe anxious about where I was.

The other issues are not as hard to pinpoint, but more direct.

Mentally I was a mess. I fancy myself as a relatively smart guy (then why are you a felon). I graduated from college, near the top of my class, and made national dean's list at least once. I made good grades and was involved in many things from the campus radio station to the campus newspaper.

But mentally, I was at a loss at what prison was about. You hear so much about the horror stories in prison, and now here I am, a recent grad, walking into the mouth of hell. I had no answers, but so many questions. I really thought I might die in prison, I might as well had. What if someone wanted to kill me, just because they could. What if someone threatened to rape me? Would I be willing to fight someone, or even kill them, to protect myself? What if an officer wanted to make an example out of me and beat me to a bloody pulp?

When I got to Craven Correctional, I had all but reasoned that maybe, just maybe, I would never see the outside of the prison again....I almost expected that sometime in my incarceration, I might die. I had resigned to that, but certainly not looking for it. It was just something I might have to get used to.

Emotionally speaking, I was ruined. Just as intellectually I was broke, so was I by emotions. I could not cry because you just can't do that in front of other guys in prison. When I was in jail, I could cry anytime I wanted, and no one would be the wiser, because I was in a single cell. But now I had to keep my emotions in check, because that might be my only real strength.

Was I sad....that does not fully describe how I felt...try suicidal. But I was also numb at the current situation. I felt that I was just... existing. Neither here nor there, neither alive or dead. I felt like a zombie, just kinda going through the motions of processing at Craven. At first I wasn't hungry when they served us lunch, but I reasoned that I might not eat anymore today, so I better force something down.

Strange thing about food, sometimes it gives you more than physical strength, sometimes some emotional strength as well. When I ate a little, I just started to feel just a tad more... comforted. Not in a very good way, but just enough to say that maybe I can get through this. My heart was still very heavy, but at least it was 3 tons, rather than 4 tons.

Spiritually, I was broken. My faith in God was down to zero, and if you read my first book of "Grades of Honor", you know exactly how I felt. Sometimes I try to watch my words when I wrote on other sites, because I knew there were "die hard" Christians out there, but on this site, which is mine, I can say how I felt.

I hated God.

After spending 15 months in a single cell, reading every scripture I could, writing to every ministry that I could find an address to, often times praying on bended knee on a concrete floor with tears in my eyes, I felt betrayed by God.

So much for answering prayers.

I felt that God chose me to fail, and turned His back on me when I needed Him to help me. How can you ask me to praise and honor God if He does not care about you at all?

In that ride from the county jail to Craven Correctional, I promised myself that God Himself was no friend of mine, that as far as I am concerned, He failed me when I needed His divine help.

Mind you, I never said I had a halo around my head, so don't go judging what I say here. But in the purest essence, if a person cried to God for help, regardless of what his past record was, God promised to be there AND to help. It's not enough to just be there. I can see a burning building with a mom and children in it, but until I ACT and try to help them, I have done nothing.

What good was it for God to know I was in prison, yet not lift a finger to help me? He made an enemy in my eyes that day I first went to prison, and I made a promise that I would never trust Him again.

But this turns out to be an ongoing story that covers my entire incarceration and even to now. Again, if you read my past writings, you know more about what I have shared.

Does this mean I don't believe in God? Of course not! Does this mean I am not a Christian? You'd have to define "Christian" to me. If that means I believe in one God, and believe He sacraficed His son, Jesus, for our sins, then yes, I am a Christian.

But if you ask me if we got along...no we did not. And that brings in a lot of irony of how I did my time, but too much to start on here.

If you asked me to sum up my first day in one word, I think maybe the best word is "confusion". That is what I was that first day. Maybe your loved one went though some of the same things I did. It is important to understand that these situations come under supremely difficult measures. How many of YOU could say you would have fared better?

Even the best of Christians, if subjected to such a situation, I think would crack one way or the other. You see, I think a lot of Christians think that serving God through a prison ministry only means a cheerful letter once a month to an inmate, or a half felt card sent to them. Or setting up a prison ministry which does very little to help the inmate, and turn to God saying, "look Lord, I am helping You!"

But what if God needed people on the inside...of prison.

"Well, I am sure my church can go visit them and have service once a month"

What if that is not enough?

What if God needs people INSIDE the prison?

After all, how do you expect to reach those people if you are only there 2 hours a week (or month)...

But enough about that, I made my cheap sermon today. It's time to play some video games.

 Hi, I am new on here and never blogged before, so here goes. My son is getting ready to be transferred  out from the county jail, and I have no idea of what to expect. This is not his first rodeo, in jail but will be the first time he will be going to prison. Just concerned and wondering what the process is? How ,who decides what prison they are to be sent to. He is 20 years old, he has been having bible study with some of the guys in the jail. So any info someone could give me would be greatly appreciated. Hope your 2nd day was better.