When He Asks For Money

 WHEN HE ASKS FOR MONEY...

 

This post is actually a response I wrote when a lady was concerned about her son asking for money. She wasn't arguing whether to send any, but rather if he was asking out of need or want. Here is what I wrote:

You know, this is a very tricky question because there is an angle I don't think has been addressed; We are going on the assumption that he needs it; what if he doesn't. Let me try to explain:

There are indeed some valid points here, in that if he has a tv he may not be tempted to get in more trouble. I agree, even though in my state of NC inmates are not allowed to buy televisions. In that aspect I am foreign to the conversation, but not of the area of inmates asking for money.Now, I will be the last person to say that inmates don't need money. I know very well how much it helps an inmate to have a few dollars. But sometimes, and maybe not in this situation, sometimes inmates tend to...well...stretch the truth.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not calling your loved one a liar, because that is unfair of me and I dare not try to be a judge of anyone else. But if you are asking for opinions, we have to try to look at all the angles. Some angles are not as pleasant to look at as others.Personally, I was always ashamed to ask my mom for money, and I only really did it twice. When I first fell in prison at the processing prison and the second time when I went from there to medium custody. These are two places I am currently writing about. But in those books I clearly indicated how much better I felt when I got money.But sometimes inmates can kinda stretch the truth to play on sympathy.

You mentioned that his prison job makes him about $18 a month; that sounds about what I made. The prison jobs I had paid about 40 to 60 cents a day, or about $3 a week. So I can see his point if he really needed a tv. I am guessing you are asking us should you trust him to send the money.The former inmate in me, understanding his side, says help him.

But common sense also says that you can help him and create a level of respect as well. If you don't mind, let me assume your position and see what I might do...

Ok, my son has been asking me for quite a bit of money and although I love him to death, and he's my baby, I am getting frustrated that he does not understand that money does not grow on trees. I have to work for this money and he does not seem to appreciate it. Furthermore, I think he might be playing on my sympathy to help him so he can "help himself". I want my son to be ok, to do his time safely and to come home. That is priority one. But I don't like being used; what if he's not really using that money for a tv. He could lie to me and say someone stole it, when he might have used it for something else. I'm having a hard time believing him, but I want to help.

Ok, I might be off here, but I wanted to kinda find somewhere to start.Now, what I would do is find out how much a tv costs. Let's say it costs $75.00. If he really wanted the tv, if you can swing that amount easily, then I don't think that is a problem. But if you can't, DON'T. If for example it did cost that amount, I would send him money in fractions. Make him wait for it, because he needs to show patience anyway.

Remember, he is asking you for help, but that does not mean you go bankrupt so he can watch tv. There must be some give and take here. If you're going to help him get that tv, then he's got to give you time and be patient. Let's say I will send him $50 this month, and $50 the next month. That means he has to wait for 2 months to get the tv, but the $100 he will get gives him some room to still get some canteen.

Or maybe you can break it further, maybe $30 a month. In any case, you need to put him in a position to wait. If you trust your son heavily, then I would indeed give him the money if I could afford it. But I don't think that's the case with you. You need him to APPRECIATE what you're doing for him.There must be a million ways to do it, but if your only question is should you do it or not, my answer would be YES.

However, there are a bunch of things to consider, and you may not really know what he really needs the money for. Does he owe somebody a lot of money? Of course he won't tell you that if that was true, unless it gets sympathy from you. Believe me, inmates used this story before to scare their loved ones to send money. Many times it may well be true, but again my point here is sometimes inmates can lie...we are human too.I find this a bit difficult for me to side with, because I really understand the plight of the inmate, since I was there.

But I also see your side, needing to trust your loved one rather than throw money everytime he asks for it. I really hope we can get some other opinions here. I am not going to say my idea is the best, but I do ask that you consider every angle, even the ones you don't want to consider.

So that was what I wrote, and had a number of people chime in this as well. I figured some of you might get something out of it. Anyway, email me at derf4000@earthlink.net or make a comment here.

posted by masonik4 | 9:02 AM | 0 Comments   

 

Well, here goes, my point of view!  I send my son $400 to $600 a month.  Why?  He spends $50. a week on canteen, and

then I require (it's a neccessity) that he call me once or twice a week.  I have to know he is doing OK!  He shares with

others, every friday night they eat "bean burritos" made by an inmate that can do wonders with a little bit of nothing.

There are about 8 to 10 fellas that join in for the Burrito Feed.  Yes, my son provides most of the ingredients, some of

the inmates get no help from families.  When Don was at Crowley (the first 7 yrs), he was in an Honor Pod-No Write-ups.

They got to order out once a month, the large barrel of Kentucky Fried Chicken, now you know Don did not eat this by

himself.  One year, on Superbowl, he ordered 21 Pizzas, the guards were really angry because they didn't get any.

The pod lost two months of ordering out, they assured me it was worth it.  I can afford to help my son, so I do.

Sometimes he has asked me to help a fellow inmate, and I do.  Not me but a friend of mine.  Once I send

someone else  money I don't care what he spends it on, usually a TV or sweatsuit to keep warm but

whatever he does is ok.  Everything cost so much, it's hard if one can't afford to send steady money. 

 Again, I'm very fortunate, my Honey believes that my son got a rotten deal so we make his time as easy as we can.

At Christmas and Birthdays I get cards signed by all the inmates that Don is close too.  Don also saves his money,

at one time he had a balance of $1800.  I told him I thought that was too much to trust to the prison.

Sharon in Sacramento

 Thanks for being so frank in your post. I can certainly understand your position. When my friend was incarerated his family abandoned him. I stood up for him and sent him money as he needed it. I know he used the money to buy things the inmates would call extravagent and I know he too, hosted dinners for inmate who had nothing. I was glad to help and would do it again

Gosh, I agree with your handle on the situation. I am also glad she can afford to treat him as so. If I was able to I would probably send him less but invest the rest for his furture especially if he is so deserving.

For a year and a half, I have been corresponding with my loved one and siz months ago, I started sending a little as i could afford it. I do not trip on what he does with it once it's in his hands because I fully want to recognize him as a human adult man that will be able to prosper from his decisions and learn from his mistakes. it's going to crucial for our relationship to continue to grow and succeed once he is out here.  

The paradox, is now that he trusts me and we have bonded, he asked me to not worry about him until Christmas and if I had any extra money could I send him some for a radio. My mind recoiled for a minute, "asking me for money is another thing!' but I settled down and rejected the stereotypes and my fears and trusted once again in my heart. I hate that the holidays are the ones where indifferent, hard hearted people find the charity to give but become blind instantly after. I know I love this man and hate his situation so I challenge myself to hear his needs regardless of the situation or holiday and not be scared I'm getting used.  it's ok to guard your heart and check out the situation but some things you let go.

I am a sucker for wanting to send money to our son, but that's probably half of why he ended up in prison anyway--he didn't need to work hard enough, too much idle time since we helped him out.  However, we can't send him money in prison because it would only go toward his fines; it would not benefit him.  So I am off the hook for being suckered into sending money.  We try to buy the packages that he is allowed, and send books, and plan and save for when he is out.  --Denise