Prison Place

What do inmates need/want to hear?

I actually was asked this from a reader on the myspace prison blog, so it seems like something we ought to discuss. The question simply is, “what does my loved one want to hear, or what should I not tell him?”

This is a very personal question, one that only the actual inmate can answer, so that alone makes this a very relative question… and answer. We also have to factor in the parties involved. Is it a mom asking about her son, or a husband asking about his wife, or a grandmother asking for her grandchild? Is it a pen pal asking for a new friend, or a long time schoolmate asking about a friend?

Each situation has different levels of answers, but to be sure, they all revolve on the idea of what kind of information should they tell a person in prison. To me, there are basically three types of information that you can share with someone in prison; POSITIVE, NEGATIVE AND NEUTRAL.

So what we are basically asking is which of the three do you think your loved one would like to hear. Let’s see what kinda discussion (or argument, since some people don’t know how to read my blogs) we can get from this, starting with the safest one to share.

Neutral information.

This is the safest kind of information you can share. And since I said that this is a very relative subject, I will have to use myself as an example. I will try to share with you things that I would have been comfortable receiving from my loved ones while I was in prison.

Now, when it comes to neutral information, we are obviously talking about information that is neither negative or positive. We are talking about information that is neither depressing nor over joyful. For example, today as I am writing this, the NFL games are about to start today. Yesterday the number one team in the country (LSU) and the number 2 team (California) both lost, which shakes up the top 25 college football rankings. Later on today, the Dallas Cowboys and the New England Patriots will play, two undefeated teams. As the saying goes, “someone’s “0” has got to go”.

For a guy like me, if I was in prison, this would be neutral information, because it isn’t so depressing that I would stress out, and it isn’t so joyful that I might also… stress out…

(I’ll cover what I just said in a moment)

When you are in prison, it is critical to continue to receive some form of communication from your loved ones. When I was in, it was such a break to be able to call home and here what was going on. If you read my blogs or my books, you know I am a big sports fan, so when I call home or I get a letter from home, lots of times my brother shares info about the latest in sports. Sure, we got a newspaper in prison, and we had a television too, but most prisons don’t have cable, so getting ESPN was no option.

Some of you might think I am trying to be funny here, but this is serious.

The information you share to someone in prison gives them a chance to taste the outside world, a place they are no longer invited into. It’s easy for someone who has not been in prison to not fully appreciate what it means to walk outside today and breath in the fresh air. For example, today I may walk down to the local park and grab myself a soda, then come back and watch football.

Sounds normal, and dull to many of you. But if you do time in prison, you appreciate the mere fact that you can walk outside, without looking at prison clothes, prison gates and prison walls.

This goes the same for information. Like I said, with me, neutral information might be sports, or shows I like. My brother used to tell me about some of the episodes of the “Simpsons” that he knew I would really get a kick out of. Sometimes it made me laugh. Or, he might tell me how bad my Raiders were, and how they lost again.

“Wait a minute! Isn’t laughing a positive thing, and your favorite team a negative thing”.

Well if you really want to be picky, yea it is. But on the grand scope of things, it is still neutral. Why? Because whether my Raiders or Saints lose or win is still neutral information, since I can get over that easily. They are still my teams, but understand this, I AIN’T jumping off no bridge if they lose. Life goes on, because that type of information is neutral.

Same with things that might make me laugh. A movie or show that makes me smile is fine, but it is still neutral information. I certainly will take it if someone writes to me about it, just as if someone wrote to me about my favorite team losing. It is still neutral, all things considering.

If you are writing to someone in prison, keep that in mind. Neutral things are subjects he or she can live with or without, even if it is negative. If I was in prison now, and as a guy who was born in New Orleans, I would be a little upset that LSU lost, but if my mom or brother or friend mentioned that in a card or letter, I would not go off the deep end. I would be fine after a few moments.

Now, what about positive information?

This almost sounds like a no brainer, but I urge some caution here. The first thought on this might be that you can send someone in prison some great news, believing it will cheer them up. For example, a mom might send her son a card letting them know about the wonderful time everybody had at grandmom’s birthday party.

Or a girlfriend telling her boyfriend about the Christmas parade in town, or a pen pal telling a friend about the fun time she had with her friends while shopping at the mall and then going to see the latest movie. Or a friend who talks about the latest concert they went to, with front row seats.

This in many ways is positive, because it encourages the inmate to see that the people they care about is doing ok. Folks, it is a miserable feeling to be in prison, and the people you are about are also miserable. It makes you feel completely helpless, which heaps loads of burden on an already burdened spirit.

Talking about Christmas, or the birth of a baby, or family fun, or you buying a car is all nice and in essence, positive, but at the very same time, it can be a stab into the soul of your loved one because he is being reminded of what he cannot enjoy. This makes it very tricky to decide whether you want to share positive information with him, because there is a fear that you will make him depressed.

For me, when I was in prison, I really did need to know that my family was doing ok. I could do the time if I believed they were ok, and so I needed to hear that they were enjoying Christmas, or went to Disneyland, or had a cookout. It’s not like they forgot I was alive, but they were helping me by living their lives. I simply needed to know they were going to be ok if I could hang in there.

Lots of folks don’t get that on support sites, and you can tell when it comes to holidays. People crash like falling glass ornaments when the holidays come around. Ironic isn’t it, most of us fall apart when it comes to holidays, or “holy days” and when we are supposed to remember the “reason for the season”.

Positive information is information that puts a real sense of hope and encouragement into an inmate. I got a lot of this from religious books, magazines and booklets I received while in prison. This is information that gives you hope, and helps you rest better at night. Some can be from family affairs, some from spiritual groups or other venues that give you a big boost in being positive.

Do I recommend sending info like that? Well, I would, because I needed it. But remember, sometimes that works against you. If I was really homesick, then a card from home about how everybody was home during Christmas, and how mom missed how I used to always put up the tree, well, that kinda stuff might be so positive that it would hurt me.

And I actually have been through that before. It can be very tough, but when I think about it, it at least gave me something to remember, when all I could see was prison.

Now, the last one…negative information.

This one is hard too, because there comes the debate of whether to be honest and share this with a person in prison, or to not agitate his stress level.

It is easy to come up with a few examples of negative information. The passing of a loved one, a strike out in finding an appeal to the current incarceration, or a loved one wanting to “move on”.

How do you tell someone that their mom has died?

How do you tell someone that the appeal has been denied?

How do you tell them that you were laid off work?

How do you tell them that maybe you want to leave them?

These are all very hard questions, and it is very hard to bring yourself to share this type of negative information with them. During my incarceration, I don’t remember ever getting information this severe. But that could have meant that my family didn’t want to share that with me.

Now, since I have been out (since 2001) I have not noticed that my immediate family or friends have passed, but I did find out that my brother did have a hard time because he was falsely accused of taking money, and was fired…they later found out someone else took it, but it was after the fact.

If I was told about this while I was in prison, it would have been damaging to me. Not so much that I would be trying to break out or picking a fight, but it certainly would not have been helpful to my peace of mind. I found out that my family did have their share of “downs”, and for what it is worth, I am glad they did not share that with me while I was in prison. I had enough to deal with by myself.

But some negative information HAS to be shared, right? I mean, if an inmate’s mom passed away, he has to be notified. That is the human thing to do. You can’t have him sitting in prison, thinking his mom is still alive, when she is not. The problem is, if you tell him, then there is no telling how he will take it.

This makes it a very, VERY difficult situation. I personally don’t think it is a matter of “if”, it is a matter of “when”.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how I would have taken it, but I DO know it would have been very tough. But in all honesty, there is no soft way to take it. I can make a lot of assumptions about prison issues, since I did time, but this one is some of the hardest to even talk about. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes it HAS to be done. The only comfort I could possibly see is that in the long run, it is much better to get it over with, so that the healing can start. Delaying such negative news also delays the healing.

Now, the death of a loved one is the most extreme, but there are indeed other negative situations. For those, I think there has to be a measure of caution as well. If you are going to share negative news with a person in prison, think carefully if this is the right time to do it, and is it possible that the situation can change. For example, if you lost your job, you can find another one, right?

If you get sick, you can get well, right?

If you had to move from your home, or had your car repossessed, things can get better, right? If so, then give the negative situation time to get better, so you don’t share that negativity with him. Some people seem to like being the bearer of bad news, as if they have a God-given right to bring misery. No inmate wants that…heck, NOBODY wants that.

So there you have it, something to discuss. Whether you have a son, husband, pen pal, sister, uncle, classmate, or whomever, think about the actual content of what you correspond with them. There is always a tricky window of whether you may upset him with what you share. When in doubt, talk to someone else about it BEFORE you send it.

Ok, gotta go, working on Christmas cards, and the games are already on!!!!