Prison Place

I met my boyfriend while he and I were incarcerated in a county jail here in Southern California. He was fighting a case as was I. His cell window was directly across from mine. We both had arrived there in April of 2006 and left almost at the same time. He left for Chino State Prison in November and finished my sentence for the county in December. Only I did not go directly home. ICE had a placed a Title18 on me and I was sent to Terminal Island to fight my case. I won my case. I have to tell that if he's the one for me, it's like God placed in in the right spot at the right time. It's lonely alright especially because I can't visit him until I myself am Off Probation. What helps though are his phone calls. and his letters. Just keep the faith and be strong.

Machele,

I just wanted to let you know that your trials and tribulations are for a reason.I had a very similar event happen in my life and have come to know that once you have truley met your soulmate nothing of this world will change it.

I met my soulmate when I was nineteen just before they shipped him off to prison for ten years.At the time he was married and I was not but I had a child by someone else.I didn't hear anything from him or see him for the ten years he was incarcerated due to the fact I didn't want to interfere with his marriage.I went on with my life got married at twenty-two and had my second child at twenty-three.I told my husband before we were married about the man I was in love with and that given the chance I would leave for him.After three years of marriage it became abusive and I left with our children several times,but kept going back.I finally made the final break after eight more years of it and we were divorced.In the mean time three years after my divorce I had crossed paths with my soulmate again.He had gotten a divorce while incarcerated and I didn't know this because his sister kept it from me.To make a long story short we moved in together,had a child together and started taking inventory of our lives.We lived together for the next three or four years and decided to get married and here it is ten years later and we are still very happily married.

Our biggest concern now is for our two eldest that are incarcerated and going through much of the same things.

I know everyone doesn't get a happy ending but I wanted to let you know never give up hope.I tell my young men to keep faith,love deeply and hope tomarrow brings grander things than yesterday.

I hope that my story will enlighten you,lighten your burden and renew some hope you may have lost along the way.

Ray of Hope,

Skywalker

Thanks Skywalker.  I heard from my friend in the same unit, who I haven't heard from in awhile, and he basically told me that the other guy had been lying to me the whole time.  He was just playing me, and that kinda makes me feel stupid, but, I KNOW he's the one in the Wrong, not me.  I tried to be a good friend to him, by writing him, visiting, etc.  He's the one that has to pay for what he did to me. I have a clear conscience; it's his burden to bear.

In the meantime, I had volunteered to send Christmas cards to inmates through another group I'm a member of and I am writing several inmates (as friends). But, there is one guy who I've really connected with and have visited.  I have told him how I got burned by the other guy and that I'm not making him any promises, but we'll continue to write, I'll visit when I can, etc. I am not putting my life on hold at this time.  I guess, only time will tell and I tell him God is in control anyway.  If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

I'm glad you have a happy ending to your story and I'm sorry your two boys are in there. Good luck.

Michele

Met and married my husband when he was in prison the first time.  He was out for four years now unfortuntely, he's back.  I simply adore him though and cannot even imagine being with anyone else so I've got to take the bad with the good right?

I believe my story might just take the cake. I was engaged to a man whose brother was locked up. My fiance thought it would be a good idea for us to write to each other, as I may have a lot of insight that could help his brother work through his issues and be able to support and understand him. It took only a handful of letters to realize his brother and I were  much more compatible, we had an amazingly powerful connection, and of course a long and stressful battle ensued. Under those circumstances, it was only a few months before we both realized that it was best to leave it alone and move on. He has always been the "bad seed" in the family, but the struggle between what we felt and what is right and wrong became too overwhelming for us both. I felt I only caused him more grief and struggle in this situation, and I put my feelings aside so that he could be free of the turmoil it created for him. My fiance and I eventually separated, his brother was released, and three years passed. I never forgot how this man touched my soul. I thought of him every day and never forgot what he had been to me.

I heard through the grapevine that he had gotten himself into some trouble yet again, and returned to prison, this time for 5 years. One day I went to the mailbox and almost fell over when I saw his handwriting on a letter addressed to me. This time there were no strings attached, no reason for us not to be able to pursue this relationship, and we quickly found that our feelings were no different than they had been after three years of no contact whatsoever. I have never had such a strong and uncanny connection with anyone in my entire life, and we often talk about how stunning it is to have so many things in common, to feel so drawn to each other, as though this all happened not by our choice, but by some larger force. I also struggle with being able to trust that he will be able to keep it together when he gets out this time, as he has been in and out of prison his entire life. He has experienced some unbelievable traumas in his life that kept him on the dark side, and it is hard to believe that a person like that could be as he is inside himself. He is so open, and so sweet, and able to express feelings to me that no man I've ever know could do.

Of course, my mother believes I am being foolish, believing a person like that could ever change. But she only knows the image her mind portrays. No one else sees the side of him I see. It is so easy to judge a person based on things they have done and just write them off, without ever looking at the reasons behind what  person does, their experiences, and the tools they are given. Couldn't it be that no one ever took the time to really look inside and value, and reach out to another, helping them to believe they can change their lives through supporting them, and believing in them? He believes that getting in trouble again was a wake up call, and that he had to go through that to find me again. (As I type that, I admit I am torn between thinking how sweet that could be, or how good he is...)

It is easy to scorn us, isn't it? What must be wrong with us that we would choose to be with someone who is locked up, obviously we are sick or weak or in need of some therapy, no? Why is it impossible to believe that love can come out of an unusual situation? We believe that if these things hadn't happened in both of our lives, we would never have met. And we believe that if this is what we both had to live through in order to find each other, then so be it. Most days I believe this, some days it is hard not to question my own motives, and his. But it is my heart that is the loudest, an overwhelming feeling that this is true, strong, and pure, it just happened to be wrapped up in some very unsuspecting package. I am so glad that there are others here who will understand what it is I go through, the joys, the doubts, the struggles.

We have no-contact visits, though years ago when I first went to see him, it was contact, and I have hugged him maybe 3 times, twice in a visit, once on the outside when I ran into him and my ex-fiance at a concert. There has been only one time I have kissed him, also during a visit years ago. We have written two to three letters a week since November 2007, and I have been visiting weekly the past few months. I have a phone through the cable company, so no collect calls allowed. People tell me that this is just a fantasy for him, of course he will write, he has nothing else in prison. But I refuse to believe that after all this time, I am nothing more than a fantasy. Maybe someday I will regret this belief, but if I don't have that, I have nothing. Sometimes magic can happen, right?

Hi Pim, I fully understand everything you are saying.  No one really does understand and they look at you weird when you say you have feelings for someone you met while they were in prison.  I too, have really connected with this one guy that I write.  I visited him once, but then he was moved to another unit to participate in a program.  It's a 4 1/2 hour drive, so I am not able to go that often, but I am going tomorrow and I can't wait.  I feel like he's already a part of me.  I want to trust him, I just don't want to get burned again.  I hope he's sincere, as I know I am with my feelings for him.  We write each other fairly often and right now take what we can get. 

 The other problem is, in the meantime, I have been writing an ex-boyfriend for 5 years and have talked about what's going to happen when he gets out.  I haven't seen him in over 20 years, and have not had a chance to visit him.  He is actually closer, but I never got there.  I am planning to go visit him this summer. My feelings for the other guy are stronger, we have more in common, and just really connect.  I'm not playing them, I am honest with them.  I just don't know what to do.  So, I am torn between TWO guys who are in prison. One is up for parole in October, the other in February.  I guess we'll see.  I don't consider myself weak, or sick or in need of therapy.  When someone says something about how guys in prison are, I just tell them they aren't much better out here!  I have been through two really painful relationships out here, and neither one of those guys were ever in prison!  If I get burned my either one of them, I don't think it will have anything to do with them having done time.

 Pim, are you in Texas?

No, I'm in CT. And I love what you said about men out here! Isn't that the truth? My mother worries that he will steal from me, and that the road will be so difficult, things like his ability to get a job, have credit, get a car, etc...and I have to say, yes, those worries are very real. But I want to be the person who is there for him when he gets out, to give him something he has never had...support. someone who loves him, to help him get his life together. I have loved him for years, and having a second chance to find out what kind of relationship we could have, to me, makes it worth all the risk. Five years from now, maybe I will be saying "How could I have been so stupid!", but yes, that possiblity exists in ANY relationship. Very good point, that I have to say thank you for, because that seems an excellent response to people's comments!

I read your message the other day and was shocked.  I could have written it myself.  Number 1, you are an extremely talented writer and have an incredible ability to express yourself beautifully.  Number 2, I have a very similar story...I wasn't engaged to my husband's brother and thru him, met my husband, but I read about my husband in the newspaper at the time of his crime and was moved to reach out to him, a lonely stranger who had committed a heinous crime.  The story I read in our local newspaper was so well written and described "the other side of the story -- his" that it moved me to to want to open my heart to him as no one had done before, just as you say.  The article told his life story and what led up to the crime.  It didn't justify the crime in any way; rather it made me and others, understand how it came to happen.  It was the culmination of his life's experiences and many were not good.  That was almost 5 years ago now and we've been married for 3, with no regrets.  He is everything to me that you say your boyfriend is to you.  It's like you are me talking about the exact experience that I am also living.  I have said the exact same words you said about him having to go thru what happened in order to get to you and everything else.  I always tell my husband it's very sad that the crime happened, but if it had not, I would have never found him in the newspaper that day. 

What I will tell you is to trust your instincts and follow your heart where it takes you.  I don't know how old you are but you sound extremely mature and insightful about life.  You only have to answer to yourself, not your mom or your friends.  You have lived long enough to date and get engaged and to find your love not once, but twice.  Don't let it go again.  Yes, people do grow up, mature and over time, change IF they choose to.  It's part of what we call life.  If your mom isn't open minded enough to realize that, so be it.  Be glad that you are!  You are not his fantasy nor are you living in a fantasy world.  This is your life and mine, and I thank God every day for blessing me with the best man I  have ever met, in or out of prison.  We don't know where we will find love but when we do, you and I are smart enough to treasure it and embrace it.  We are strong independent women who know who we are and what we want.  There is nothing wrong with you or me.  We are not deficient or second class.  Always remember that and always be true to YOURSELF.  You'll never be happy if you're not.  Peace & Blessings, Gayle

ya know, i'd see on tv how people met, fell in love, and got married...while one of them was locked up.  i could never understand how you even meet someone IN prison to fall in love with them...until it happened to me june 2005.  i met my boyfriend while he was in.  ~keep your chin up and smile!  it isn't easy and it's amazing sometimes the things we will do for someone we love.  hang in there. 

i miss him every single day and i pray he will be home soon so i can be with him in every aspect

I usually don't admit to meeting him while he is inside because of thr ignorance of so many people. My whole world revolves around our nightly phone calls 

hi there

im new on this site.I am not quite sure if im doing the right thing.I met this guy through a website.he is right now serving time in texas,aprx.2 years from the door.i live in europe but visit us frequently for vacation and have considered to move to us permanently in the future.i´m not a naiv 18 year old (im 40)and know that it will be difficult for him to come out after 14 years, but i so much want to give this a chance.the thing is;maybe it would be better for us to go to denmark and settle down? the language is not an issue nearley all speak and write english in denmark.the thing im trying to ask is,do you´ll think it will be better/easyer for him to start over in a new country?i surpose it is hard to find work and get settled when you´re an ex con.but im not sure.i wouldn´t mind living in us.have any of you experiense in how people make it when they just come out after many years? i´m not sure if i shall be there from day one.maybe he needs some time on hes own before i join him,or do you if thats the right aproch.I am able to financilly support us both if he can´t find job,but hey thats a bit you know........please feel free to write me.

lunse@ka-net.dk                                               stay cool                lone