We have journals from Inmatez wife and an Inmate, so I thought I'd put me out there since this experience has really emphasized there is strength in numbers. I feel like Prison Place is a perfect avenue because of the quiet dignity that permeates its atmosphere. Having a loved one in prison, turns your life "upside down" as my baby says. He is right. I had no idea that it was going to be so difficult. 

My story is a little different because I met my lnmate after he was incarcerated. So why would I willingly allow my life to be turned upside down by a convicted felon who is currently in prison for five more years? After knowing him for almost 2 years, he has asked me to marry him. My answer has been a delayed yes. Many people think women like me have low self esteem. See http://marriage.about.com/od/questionsanswers/a/prisonmarriage.htm This report describes the characteristics of women who love and marry men in prison. It's not pretty. As for me, I am 2 classes away from a Masters degree and I strive to become the best me I can be. I am proud of me and I have put one child through college without the help of a mate. My family thinks I slink below me. They refer to inmates as those "prisoners", and believe their solitary time in prison enables them to become masterminds and  expert manipulators of womens' hearts and purses.   I believe I was clotheslined!

I can not actually believe that I have fallen in love with an inmate! It's bad enough to date some of these so called men out here. Is it real love? Time will tell, but what this man gives me is worth the risks of possibly failing and/or finding out if this is the real thing. True Love, anywhere, is  hard to find and even harder to keep. I am hoping that this journaling will help me and others like me to work through this kind of trial and come out stronger. Let me tell you a little bit how I got here.

Several years ago, a family friend went into prison for a weapons charge. Our correspondence was mixed up during his transfer and one of my letters went to another inmate with the same name. By the time I straightened it out, my address had been passed around several times and waiting. By the time my address got to the fourth strange inmate, I lost it! I wrote this man the most sarcastic letter and told him I was going to take him to school on the short bus. "Tell me why do you think a woman would want to have a relationship with a prisoner? You can't do nothing for me!" Which made him blow a gasket because many inmates who are in prison are illiterate, or attended some form of special education classes. He apparently went to the dayroom telling them about the female canine that spoke to him like he was less than a human. Intrigued, my man overheard him and asked if he could write me. it took me six months to return a letter, yet he kept on writing and finally got my attention. So we became friends, and later a romance grew.  

Now that my love for this man is growing, I have learned so much about me. He says he repeats things to me because I have a tendency to gloss over things. Then he states he puts things on my plate in small bite sized pieces so that I can understand the gravity of what he is asking me to do, and that is love him unconditionally. Like an idiot, I thought what was happening was so exciting at first. Little by little, I am recognizing the emotional turmoil that having a loved one in prison brings to your everyday life. This is not easy or for the faint hearted as one woman told me. Running to your mailbox becomes a major focal point in your life. You worry and have many fretful nights. You truly begin to understand what this is going to cost you. Is it worth it? It feels like I have met my soulmate!  So again, only time and will tell.  I want to take my time and find the right path for this relationship. Our growth as individuals must accompany our growth as a couple. Can a woman truly find love in a stranger who is incarcerated? I am willing to take a risk and find out since this man has made me feel closer to him that I have to any other man in my life. We all know in and out, you can be lonely in a crowd full of family members and strangers.

 Today, my 30 year old niece had a stroke. She is not married and has no children. Thank God, she survived. Life is precious and there is power in using the choice to pursue true happiness no matter what others think. You never know how long you may have. So I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love and find pleasure in doing so. We all do. As I share my journey with you, I open myself up and welcome any comments you have concerning this plight, good or bad. I am committed to do me whatever may come. You also help me and others by sharing your stories too. They are a great source of comfort. What do you think?   

I call myself An Inmate's Wo-Man? Because for the first time  in my life, I feel like I am this man's, my mate's rib. He's my best friend. We are one. Without him, I feel like a part of me is missing. Having no control over this, leaves you with a sick feeling. Sometimes. Knowing God has blessed you drives you everyday! Without him, I'd be one lonely soul in a crowd of friends and family.    

Feeling wary! Here's the article I mentioned in my last post (it was actually an answer to a question a friend had posed to the authors concerning her friend :

Reasons Why a Woman Would Marry a Prisoner She Doesn't Really Know

Reasons Why a Woman Would Marry a Prisoner She Doesn't Really Know Answer

Answer

Generally women who marry prisoners that they met through the mail or on their job while the guy was already in jail tend to be shy, have low self-esteem, consider themselves to be outsiders, have been victims of abuse, and they hunger for an emotional relationship.

Reasons Why Women Marry Prisoners They Really Don't Know

Identification with aggressive personality

Rescue fantasies

An act of compassion

A way of showing sympathy for a political cause or for an outcast

A way to be the center of attention and in the limelight

Fills need to be needed and to feel important

A desire for danger or thrills

Out of a sense of rebellion

As a ticket to citizenship

Fills void caused by failure of, disappointment in, or lack of romantic relationships

Allows marriage and motherhood without having to deal with a husband everyday

There isn't much that you can say to this friend of yours to get her to change her mind.

Hopefully, some of the hoops and paperwork that prison marriages require will slow down the wedding process and she will realize that she is making a mistake.

Keep in mind they also sponsor these links on how to spy on, keep, or stay with your husband in a sexless marriage. Which proves my point that again, true love is hard to find and even harder to keep. When you choose a mate, you are the only one you have to please. However you know the authors have a few points! At least for me, being human, I wondered if this was a game, was I being used, is this real, etc., etc., etc. So did he.

The beauty of it all is that we face the same issues with relationships right outside these prison walls. That's why we go where most people dare to go. Or our love follows our loved ones in. Not all relationships with prisoners have started in prison. The prisons obviously hold people who have major issues in life. Out here you can't see them sometimes until you live with them. Or some of us still think if we support that person, he/she will change. 

I have felt alot of ways the author listed, in relationships with men who were never incarcerated. Many men/women who appear to have their stuff together actually are lucky they haven't been caught doing something. I have also seen some pretty messed up marriages by some of what society deems to be the best of people! Disastrous!
The idea is what you won't do, do for love especially if it's real! Life is an adventure and anything worth having, is worth taking risks for. For those of us who believe in God, his greatest commandment is to love.
To acknowledge truth is to keep it real. That woman may be showing concern for her friend. How mature her friend is at making her own decisions is her responsibility. Ultimately, no one has the wisdom or the right to choose their mate and yours! Most people who try to pick for their friends often have problems with their own relationship themselves.

Wo is me! I choose to be my loved one's Wo-man because of the spiritual and mental connection we have, that I have never experienced before. I'm grateful for that. 

November 3, 2007 : Wo-Man's reason to marry her soul mate

Wednesday night, my 31 year old niece, Tiffany, had a stroke. She is currently on life support fighting for her life. I need your prayers. Doctor's credit her fiancee, Adrian, with saving her life. He acted quickly and was able to get her help immediately. He refuses to leave her side, and seems so lost without her being able to talk to him. He is a former bad boy but now he has matured because of Tiffany's love and support for him. I am grateful that he loves her so much.  When I look at them, it is clear to me that you must follow your heart when God presents you with your mate. It is a life altering experience. Adrian was sent for such a time as this.

Courtney and I have discussed everything under the sun. He has committed to be with me 'until his casket drops"! We know that in a  time of need we are willing to deal with sickness, disabilities and any insecurities that accompany those events. Right now I just want to enjoy the journey of getting to know him. As his personality unfolds and we continue to bond, I am awed by fact that God has sent me my soul mate. He uplifts me, encourages me, challenges me and also makes me laugh, among many other things.He also frustrates me and irritates me as I confront him on his militant attitudes and jaded macho views. He graciously accepts constructive criticism and just as gracefully stands his ground.  No other adult relationship outside of those Texas prison wall has ever felt so good. To comprehend its beauty once he is physically able to particpate in this relationship is mind altering, I can only imagine how precious and fulfilling it is going to be. We are so compatible that it flows naturally, and we have started doing projects together, pray together and financial planning together. If I die tomorrow and none of these things happen, I still will have been a better and happier person for having known him.

When I look at Tiffany and Adrian, I know that people are sent to you for a reason.  Some people marry for a reason, let that reason be love.  it feels good to me!

November 10, 2007 - Rebounding from a mini-stress session

In the midst of all this turmoil on the outside, I had not heard from Tramaine for two weeks. (See, I'm happy now, because I love calling him by his middle name instead of his first, Courtney). Now, I am beginning to understand the emotions that are associated with loving someone is incarcerated. Hey, that I am even openly sharing this, much less owning this is a miracle in my life. My ex-husband stayed in jail and still frequents the revolving doors. He has been addicted to crack and cocaine for the last 26 years. When he went in, he knew not to call me for anything! He was a totally petty, cruel and selfish creature and I didn't see the point in spending extra money or a stamp on his problem. He was so scarey and out of control that once he bit me viciously on my shoulder like a dog. I knew then he was insane, and I lost all respect for him. Presently his children and I have not heard from him but once, in over 7 years. So, to engage intimately with a habitual criminal was a low in my book.

So with this break in communication from Courtney, I found my mind tripping on numerous of scenarios. None of them pretty. I have heard so many horror stories about women meeting men and it turning into a nightmare, I was putting back on the armor.  Ok, I thought he's dropped me because I blasted him about his temper tantrum. See he was transferred, they lost his property, he lost his appeal but he snapped on me about one of my male friends, about one of my statements, you name it! I wasn't taking mess off him and I demanded an apology.

But absence does make the heart grow fonder. As I listen to others' stories about weathering these storms I realize this is real ( as he constantly drills this saying into my head); this is normal, and I am beginning to empathize as I realize: Hey, I really do love this man. He is real! He is a beautiful person who deserves a chance. So I wrote him a letter shaming him for his reactions, a letter of affirmations and love even at the risk he didn't want to hear from me. I even sent him a third, little risque Halloween story.  Then I found out he was away at court getting hammered. I felt bad.   

Well, Saturday, I had the sweetest most endearing apology a rapidfire response to my blast off letter. He said he was afraid to open the next two, but I am so proud God is changing me because I KNOW HE IS GOING TO GET THE BIGGEST PICK ME UP! I just want to go down on the record that I wrote all that good stuff before I got my apology. Love changes things! That's how I know loving him is a gift. So wrapping up week one of November, I'd say Good week in the life of an Inmate's Wo-Man.  

November 14, 2007- Closing the gap for parents missing in action!

I am exhausted! I have just left the Sheraton in Greensboro after a three day convention  for exceptional children and the best practices.  We shared an article about how parents are not involved. Their presence was sorely lacking at district-wide forum on school discipline.

After running up and down 23 floors and in and out of classes that taught us the best practices to reach these children, I was a little discouraged. Over half my students are in therapeutic foster care or living with an elderly grandmother. The parents are absent due to addictions and being incarcerated. These kids have more than three strikes against them. I won’t get into the details but the disabilities are significant. It will take the collaboration of the school, home and community to help make these children successful in life.

It’s hard without the help pf the parent. Their absence has taken a tremendous toll on the student emotionally and academically.  I would like to kudos for parents like an Inmatez wife for holding down the fort and pouring into their children, whom they are raising all alone. Kudos to me, too. I am now home listening to my Teacher’s Assistant tell me how difficult the children were because they just do not like changes in their routine. They have had enough inconsistency. I gear myself up to face them tomorrow.

I think about my children who have been raised all by myself, as they have watched their biological dad go in and out of jail; off and on drugs. I think about my love for Courtney and his son whom he has left behind. His remorse is tremendous. He knows I am willing and able to help him close that gap when he is free and can make amends. I am thinking this as my TA winds down. Oh, by the way, she tells me “You have a new student but he had to leave today. He will be back tomorrow.”

“Oh why? He was kicked out of his therapeutic foster home and they had to find him another before 5:00 p.m.”

My work is cut out for me!  

 November 18, 2007: Are Prisons Driving Inmate’s Mad?Time Magazine: By JEFFERY KLUGER

There's no such thing as a good day for a prisoner at the highest level of security within the Ohio State Penitentiary, a 504-bed supermax prison in Youngstown, Ohio. Every inmate lives alone in a 7-ft. by 14-ft. cell that resembles nothing so much as a large, concrete closet, equipped with a sink, a toilet, a desk and a molded stool and sleep platform covered by a thin mattress.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1582304,00.html 

Remember I was so worried after not hearing from Courtney for over two weeks. Being the typical loving woman on the outside, I was feeling neglected. After two weeks he wrote apologizing for the little blow-up he had while admitting he was venting where it was safe to vent because he was under tremendous stress. After reading his poem and then the Time article, I realize that that was an understatement.  Now, he is the first one who says he did the crime, he must do the time, and he got in a fight with a CO. Yet his tough exterior is beginning to crumble. Alfred W. McCoy, a professor of history at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and author of the book A Question of Torture, states, "solitary confinement sends prisoners in one of two directions: catatonia or rage." I hope he is not going mad! Here’s the poem he sent me from administration segregation.

By

Courtney Brock

Confined to a restroom 24 hours a day! Damn right I’m a loner

w/no property

Looking real stupid, like a meaningless dance in the corner!

Damn, what’s really going? Pacing like a ragin lion, ready to explode.

To hell w/sanctions, too much pressure! Like Death Row

God help me, help the kid! Exhale/download or upload!

Sorry! What was I thinking? Upgrade!

You have to be kidding me, how can a human endure this or survive this?

A mental breakdown, some form of aberration or become a taker of pills would be normal. Bring for one, some form of bliss! Right?

Yes! By all means to a cloudy inclination or intellectualization!

But I don’t like pills, hate how they feel in my mouth. Makes my tongue want to shout:

OK! *** you then! See it for yourself miserable ***, pout!

Love to see the Strong Ebony breakdown!

In their solitude, I know they reveal, God shows me their evil! The blood drips from their gums, down their teeth to the edge of their crusty lips!

At times I can hear him, I smell him. I feel him surface: in my body, in my blood, in my soul! Keep testing him! Keep testing him!

I take a deep breath, shake my head. Then lower my gaze to the tattoed fist at my sides. Kiss them & say to myself, they have naught a clue!

But is it worth it Courtney? No, seriously! Is it worth it Tramaine?

I mean I’m lost, I know not what to do! I love you! For God sakes, our first anniversary! 

My most gorgeous wife’s presence whispers and pleads!

26 years, gyved w/prisoned thoughts & prisoned pain, more than a gangsta taking it overboard. Love w/strings. But this real profound love is more than just a love, want or one’s desire & belief, God screams!

It’s a need! And my plan! Boy!!! Clown!!!

OK! OK! Big Homie! Just chill! By the way, have you taken your heavenly prozac this morning? Ok! Ok! I’m just tripping.

I know I’m cool when He laughs! That’s my “trigga”, even though He’s God, He don’t trip, or act stuck up, or high cap! 

Love my freestyle flow. I’m platinum but not near his level. Oh you didn’t know God was a fool on the “mic”? Well who do you think taught me how to rap?

My Queen I’m sorry for blasting off on you because of these laws! I shouldn’t have, but it gets hard w/no jam box & just talking to walls! Yes by all means take more pictures of yourself the boys & the house. I’d love to leave this horrendous place into your pictures! You’re right, don’t get comfortable in that house, because your comfort zone is down south! Houston!

 I love MY beautiful & strong backbone!

 High Points: saving the good for last