Prison Place

Fear and Pride


On one of my blogs I got an email from a mom who said her son just got sentenced to prison, and was worried sick about the things she saw on television. She said that even though he got almost 4 years, she was worried that he was going to one of those “really bad” prisons…

Well, ALL prisons are bad, but I get her point. Some are far worse than others.

But she told me that her son likes to keep to himself, and wasn’t too comfortable being around others. I know how he feels, because I was the same way. And because of that, I wanted to share something from my book that kinda keys on it.

Now, keep in mind that this comes from my first book, and actually takes place on my first day in prison. Remember, I had been in county jail for 17 months before going to prison, but this was my very first day in prison. I don’t need to tell you that I was scared, but even then your foolish pride can take part in it as well, which makes life even harder than it needed to be. I’ll explain that after you read the following passage:

By this time of the day all of the inmates were in the dorm, and since I was the “new kid on the block” a lot of eyes were on me. I knew that, but there was nothing I could do about that, I in fact was the new guy, and maybe I was just as curious about these guys as they were about me. Whether for better or worse, I kinda stood out a little more than most. It was something I noticed while I was in county jail, something that came from a lot of inmates about me. My appearance and how I carried myself was in the exact opposite of what the stereotypes of inmates were. I looked like a guy that graduated from college, and sounded like it. That was not by design, because I was fearful that inmates would have “problems” with a “smart boy”. As much as I didn’t want to look like who I really was, I was still not going to compromise myself. I suppose there would have to be some give and take with this situation; maybe if I kept my mouth shut no one would know.
Around 4pm or so, a lot of the guys started gathering around the door of the dorm. It must be near dinner time. Still in the dark on how anything worked, and a bit afraid of going outside, I decided to skip dinner. This is a bigger decision than you know; I was in fact hungry, but all the excitement of the day, if excitement is the best word, had sapped my appetite at least for today. However, I knew I would pay for it tonight; which actually is a good thing. Hunger makes you conform instead of circumvent, so maybe by morning I will be more than willing to leave the new confines and venture outside into the prison world. It was then that several of the inmates came up to me and spoke to me. Most inmates ask where you come from, perhaps in some hope to find a kindred spirit. If not, just to make pleasant conversation. Still, I was still a bit anxious about meeting anyone, those stereotypes of inmates were still embedded in me. Unfortunately my idea of being quiet was voided, since once I started talking guys immediately picked up on how I sound and how I talk.
“You look and sound like one of them college boys”
Oh well, now they know. I am not ashamed of my education, but I didn’t want anyone to think I was better than anyone else. Right now whether I indicated it or not, I needed a friend, just someone to chat with. Deep inside I was hurting emotionally and spiritually and sometimes the worst thing you can do is to be by yourself. Even in a room of 60 plus guys, you can be as lonely as if you were all alone in a warehouse with one chair and one bed. Now what? Will I be hated, will guys pick at me? Now I KNOW that I will miss dinner now; I wasn’t looking forward to meeting anyone else today.
However, this wasn’t the vision that happened, at least from the outside. Maybe it was a combination of me needing to extend my hand, and inmates needing to find like souls, but in a short period of time I had met several guys of all kinds. No, I did not meet any of those big mean brutes who live for violence, not that there were any, but in my dorm, MY dorm (as if I was now at home), there seemed to be none. Still, I was not going to dinner; the shock of seeing all those inmates was too much.
Soon it was dinner time and the doors to the dorm was unlocked. Inmates began streaming out the dorm. I would learn later that it is not a “free for all”, where they unlock all the doors and inmates rush to eat. There is an orderly way, where dorms are let out in a sequence, which alternates daily. As my dorm mates rushed out to get their last meal of the day, I retreated back to my bunk. Slowly, very slowly, the icy grip of fear about prison started to thaw. I would have much more to learn, and until I make it one full day, I was not willing to let down my guard. But I was tired, worn out emotionally and physically and decided this may well be a good time as any to take a nap.
I had to learn how to get on the top bunk; I was not used to jumping on a bunk, so I had to develop a technique. I was athletic enough to jump up on the bunk, if I held on to the bunk. I was able to do it without using force on the bunk itself; using it only as leverage. The result, I could float softly up and into land on the bunk. Not a crash, but a soft landing.
(end of excerpt)
You gotta understand what I am trying to share here. This is the views from a guy that has NEVER been in any legal trouble in his life, a graduate from college and a person who once thought that everything was on the up and up.

And now I am at the bottom of the pits of hell. That’s how I felt folks, and maybe by me sharing this, maybe you can see how someone else might feel. But with this feeling there was still some foolish pride.

I mentioned in that passage that I was hungry, but I didn’t go to chow. I know a lot of you would tell me something like, “well, I don’t care about anyone else, I am not gonna miss a meal if I am hungry”. And in all truth you are right.

But this is about the thoughts of a guy that is completely lost in the system, not knowing which way to turn. The obvious isn’t so obvious when you don’t know what to believe anymore. And in this case, even though my stomach said “let’s eat”, my pride said, “don’t go out there, you don’t know what will happen”.

I was already seen as the “college kid” or as some say, “professor”. I was afraid of leaving my dorm, because I didn’t know if I was going to be shanked or worse by somebody who just didn’t like the way I looked. I just didn’t know what to do, so the best thing to do was to say put. It meant losing a meal, it meant going hungry, but at the moment, it really was all I could think of doing.

Now, before some of you sit there and worry whether I starved myself down to 10 pounds, let me go ahead and answer that. I missed that meal, but the next morning, I went to get that breakfast. After that, I went to most of the meals…with some exceptions I may have to share later…also dealing with foolish pride.

Hope that helps.