The World According to Reko and her Inmate Husband

Boy has the last week and a half been super stressful. On Wednesday, September 16th, 2009, My husband was re-arrested at our home.  I came home to him standing outside with the Sherriffs in handcuffs.  I was so stunned and shocked at the same time, that my anxiety began to set in.  The Sherriffs of the County that we live in was there just to transport him to another county that issued the warrant.  I was clearly upset, but the one thing that was TOTTALLY clear was RAGE.  I wanted to sock him in his face.  I didn't need to go to jail that day neither.  Once he got where he was going, he settled back into prison like it was the best thing going. I have been so pissed and disgusted these last few days that it is unreal.  My husband turned 35 years old yesterday, and was not home to even celebrate it.  His court hearing was today.   I didn't even bother to go, because when I think about all the times that I had advocated for his freedom in the past, it makes me SICK to my stomach.All I could think about was that I warned him, I had been begging him to stay home, but no he wouldn't listen and too stubborn.  HE NEEDS TO GROW UP.  Unfortunately I will not be sticking around to wait for him to do all that.  I am so DONE it is ridiculous.  Stick a fork in me.  I got a letter from him yesterday, and trust it was not the kind of letter I was looking for.  Not one word of apology for the humiliation, or embarrassment that me and my sons have had to go through once again.  He only apologized for not being the husband that I expected him to be.  What nerve. To think that I have wasted 10 years of my life knowing him, also makes me sick to my stomach.  I have done a total of 2 bids with him, and I REFUSE to do any more. He already knows this.  I was put on the visit list for tonight, and I am going to do this LAST visit, and I am definitely going to have the floor.  I don't care what happens to him in there, and I certainly don't want anything else to do with him.  I tried to work on my marriage, I went ABOVE and BEYOND, trying to be a wife, and this is what I get?? I stood by him all this time, and him returning to prison is damn near an open handed smack in the face.  Not just mine, my sons also. My mother-n-law had the nerve to ask me last night if I was coming to court today.  I politely told her that if I could leave work, then I would.  Knowing all the time that I wasn't coming. I just immersed myself into my work, to take my mind off of my husband's current situation.  I will not take on any more of his mess. I don't totally hate him, I feel more sorry for him than anything. I still pray for him, and have prayed for him this morning.  I am at that crossroads where I don't want to be bothered any more, and then part of me can't completely turn my back on him. But I must because if I don't he will always think that whatever he does, I am always going to be there for him.  I am NOT the one.  Trust and believe.  No one has EVER been that loyal to me, and I don't know why people always take advantage and take my kindness for a weakness.  He doesn't know how I feel like a complete idiot for defending him to my parents, and putting up with all the things that he has put me through.  He let the streets, the money, and the women take precedence over having a family, not once, not twice, but yet a third time, and now ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

 It has been awhile since I last wrote on this blog.Suffice it to say, things remain the same between me and my husband.  The only thing though is that I am about to make some changes.  As I become one year wiser this Labor Day(my birthday), I am setting in motion moving out of the state of VA, and settling myself back on familiar territory.  I have experienced 9 years of stress, and almost 7 months of HELL, since my husband has been back. He is still rippin' and runnin' in the streets.  The only difference about that now, is that I DON'T CARE.  I am so sick of him that it makes me sick to my stomach.  I have been going to church, reading and praying still.  I haven't been to church the last couple of Sundays, but I plan to be there this Sunday. I have spent my entire summer off, driving him all over creation.  That is NOT my idea for my vacation.  We do nothing together, and I found out as of recently that he is someone that I cannot confide in.  Of all the people I would think that he would be someone that I could do that with.We are starting to not get along at all because I have been having trouble with my irritability, and annoyance.  He gets on my nerves and I wonder alot how I ended up in this predicament.  I REFUSE to be unhappy all of my life.  I am now looking to the Lord for my happiness and my peace.  Because this person wishes to mess with my sanity or think that he can break me.  It is NOT going to happen. They say that God put people in your life for a reason and I have YET to figure out what that purpose is with this man.  He has done nothing but cause me heartache and grief.  Something that I have not deserved. Like I said before, I will be one year wiser though soon.  I am not getting any younger and my tolerance for nonsense has expired.  I don't even care whether he moves with us or not when I get ready to move. I don't feel like having to deal with his back and forth from one state to the other, and staying up over there for long periods of time like he don't know where home is.  I don't need that in my life.  All I need is Jesus in my life, I seek my happiness through the Lord. I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable because someone thinks that he is in control over me.  It just isn't going to happen.I don't know what it is with my generation of people.  No marriages stay together, or nothing.  They get into them for all the WRONG reasons.  A thought that has me thinking about the reasons that I got married to who I have married.  Haven't come up with no halfway decent answer, but once upon a time I thought that I was in love.  I am now seeing that LOVE has NOTHING to do with it.  Because mine has been shattered, stepped on, taken for granted....etc.  You name it.  And I am truly TIRED........

One day you have to grow up and take your responsibilities, and rearrange your priorities.That is something that I think that my husband will NEVER comprehend.  I am definitely tired and weary with it all. He is back and forth, and back and forth.  I am wish that he would make up his mind. He does not deserve the title "HUSBAND",  and he definitely does not deserve to call me a "WIFE".  I am still studying my bible and doing my prayer and study guide of "The Power of the Praying Wife." But I see that my husband is beyond prayer. He is going to continue to do what he wants to do, and I feel that I do not need to be a part of that.  He is probably blocking my blessings. I have been conversing with one of my girlfriends, with whom I used to run wild with back in the day, and whom is now saved and doing an outreach ministry.  She believes that with this experience I will be able to minister to others.  I don't think so, but just her having that belief in me I think is awesome.  This last day or so, when I saw my husband, I had such anger and dislike in me,  which I definitely know was not godly of me.  When I have been trying to get closer to God.  I am now realizing that my husband brings out the worst in me, and that is not good.I have been looking to God for guidance, and the first thing that I know that I must do is work on myself, because I find that I am still on that paying back hurt for hurt, and it says in the bible that I am not suppose to do that. It is a temptation that I can't resist.  Someone also told me that I need to learn how to take the good and the bad in a marriage.  Which is true.  But how much bad do I need to take?? I have been going through 4 months of pure hell, and it is not getting any better.  The more that I try not to fuss with him, the more I let it build up and then I explode.  Like I did last week.  I am not used to dealing with a husband who does not stay at home with his wife, and when we are together, we are in the car the ENTIRE time, with me taking him all the places that he needs to go.  He is not trying, and not even looking for a job, regardless of what the economy is.  Our nationality has always been in a reccession, so it is nothing new to us.  He chooses to take the cowards way out, because that is all that he has been shown, and all what his mother created. I keep praying to God to show me the purpose of this man in my life.  Because I certainly do not want any more parts of this marriage.I am tired of the hurt, the pain, the suffering, and the tears.  Of which he gets no more of. My girlfriend told me that I have to change me before I can see the changes in my husband.  This is something that I have also come to realize.  I can't worry about him no more.  I can't worry about my marriage anymore.  What I can worry about is myself and my well-being.Because it is obvious that no one else is going to but me.  There has been a sad change of events, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I hope that he will get completely tired and wake up one day before it is too late.........

This is the day that the Lord has made, let's be glad and rejoice in it.Things continue to stay the same.  I got into an argument with my husband last night, even though I hadn't been arguing with him.  The devil sucked me back in. I found myself wondering what I was doing with this man, and why I married him. I cannot believe that I am going through the heartache and turmoil that I have been subjected to while dealing with him.  I am not a bad person, never have been.  I don't know what I did for this. However, I am going to continue to work on me, and get myself together.  I am going to church this Sunday, and I am going to find out today, about the women's group that they have at the church.  Get myself involved into something positive. I have grown tired and weary with the whole situation. I know that we aren't supposed to grow weary, but this is where I stand at the moment.The drama has to cease. I guess that if I find something to occupy my time with, and my mind, then these things wouldn't be so trivial.  I have other things I have to tend to, such as myself and my sons.  I told him last night, I will not continue to get my hopes, nor the hopes of my son's up that he will come home.  I am so tired and did not realize the selfish person that he is. I almost don't want to have anything else to do with him. For right now anyway. His lies certainly are old, and tired.  And I don't think that in the bible, it says to be a fool.  I know that game recognizes game, and I am not into playing the games.  Maybe he is, but I'm not. God said that he wouldn't put more on me than I can bear, well I think that I am dragging around enough bear this morning.  So much so that it feels like someone has their foot on my chest and won't let up.

Well, things are still not going the way that I would want them, but that is life isn't it? I have been going to church and finding much peace in praying, reading my bible, and trying to turn my emotional drain, and disappontment into a positive. My husband came home in the weary hours of the morning on Friday past. He stayed home with me all day and night Saturday, and Sunday night. But Monday came and back to the streets he went. I can't begin to tell anyone, how disheartening and defeated I felt. I love my husband with all my heart and I know that he loves me. Saturday when we spent the entire day together, it was just like how we used to be. We had fun just being in each other's presence. I think that all this turmoil I have been dealing with is God's way of showing me that I need not to run no more.  As I have done in the past, just gave up and ran away without a fight.  I need to stand up and claim what is mine.I can't let the devil win.  My husband has been battling right and wrong because he certainly knows what is right and what is wrong. Yesterday evening he called me and said that he gives up, because apparently things haven't been working out too good for him out in those streets.  So of course, being the wife that I am I let him know that I/we had his back and he knows this, and that something good will happen.  I was ready to go get my man, and he wanted to come home.  However, before I could get to him he calls back and tells me that something came through and to go ahead home, and he would talk to me later.  God almost had him........but the devil still managed to stick his foot back into the mix.  I was devastated, and I think that he could tell the disappointment in my voice.  I want so much for him to not give into that temptation.  I asked him when was he going to go to church with me, and he just simply said that he would go when he was ready.  Since he didn't say no, I felt that I could live with that answer.  I went to church Sunday, and I enjoyed the service.  Once again the sermon and song definitely hit home, and I cried like a baby. I enjoyed it though.  A lady came to where I was sitting and gave me her card for one of the groups in the church.  Called the "Young Women's Initiative".  Sounds interesting and something that I can apply my energies to.  So I am going to try and get involved and become a member of the church where I feel right at home.  Maybe that will take my mind off of the situation that I have been dealing with at hand.  I need something to distract me, and maybe God will continue to work. To him I give all the glory, and when my husband was home this weekend I felt that he was working on him. God brings people into your life for a reason, and like I said earlier I have gotten up and given up, ran off from my husband before, but this time I just can't.  I have invested too much time into my husband, to just simply give up now.  I love him too much for that, and I think that he wants our marriage too.  I have faith that God will fix it.  Let Go & Let God, was another message I received at church.  I know that he hears my pain and my hurt.  I have faith that God will have his attention for sure the NEXT time.........

Another week beginning, more things to deal with.Friday, I am going on about my business when a job, of many that I had been helping my husband apply for decides to call him.  Being as though I had not talked to him, there was no way to communicate to him that someone had actually called him for a job.  When one of his many excuses was that no one would hire him, I guess that was to make it easier for him to go out in the streets and do what he is doing.Anyway, something must have told him to call me because he called that same night and I told him that. Of course he assured me that he would call me back to get the information to call for the job.  Yet he never did, and that told me that he don't want to work.  That was the last that I had heard from him.I went to church yesterday, and it was good to be back.  This little ole' lady hugged me, and she always does that whenever I show up, and just her doing that yesterday, like I hadn't missed a beat of coming. That cheered me up a bit.  I got to tell you though, the sermon and the choir in song seemed like it was speaking directly to me.I cried the ENTIRE service. Even when I went up to the alter to pray.  As I get up from the alter, my eyes are heavy and watery.  I got the opportunity to speak with my longtime pastor after the service, and I told him that I have a broken marriage, broken family, you name it.  I began to explain to him about my husband, and he told me to keep praying for him, and keep praying that those streets turn him loose.  I have been doing just that, and praying even more.  I pray that God fixes it. The thing that gets me the most is the indescribable hurt, and pain that I feel.  But God said if you have the faith of a mustard's seed, his will, will be done.  I believe that.  Since I have been to church I have been praying, asking for forgiveness of my sins, and by the time I finish my testimony to him, I am in tears again.  Maybe that is some of the washing away my sins.  I can't deny that I don't miss and and love my husband dearly.  I just want him to see that he is risking too much once again.If only he knew how bad he has broken my heart.....He claims to understand me.  The only time that he calls me, is when I know that he is battling with his own issues.  This is why he called me Friday, because he really doesn't know what to do.  I am through arguing with him, and I am through pointing fingers, and I am through talking to him.  He is grown, and he needs to own up to his responsibilities.  Like he always says, he needs to "man-up". My visit to church on Sunday was very rewarding, and I plan to definitely go every Sunday, if I can help it.  I want to get involved.  Get my mind off of things. I found some peace, and even though I was crying my energies were being used for thanking God for blessing me in many ways, that I neglect to be thankful for, and I thanked him for blessing me to wake up and see another day.  My pastor spoke about how God has a plan for me, that is tailor made for me.  He will fix it or remove it from my life.  I know that he will fix my marriage, or he will show me that it is something that I don't need.One thing that I can say about my husband, is I know that he is not really that heartless.  Because I know that it is a constant battle within himself.  When he gets into that street-mode, it is like he is another person, but when he comes down, he calls me and talks about how he understands me, and that he loves me too death, but then blames me for pushing him away. I didn't push him away, he pushed himself away, because of what he wants to do.  I choose not to take part in.  That is just me.  I wish that I knew what was in God's plan for me.  But only he knows, and nothing can get in the way of his plan, not even me. I will take my pastor's advice, and continue to go to church and fellowship with the nice people at the church that I go to.  I have to believe that God will direct my husband back to where he needs to be.  And that is HOME.

Well, things remain the same, except for the fact that I don't stay down long.My husband WILL NOT get any more of my tears, he WILL NOT  use me like his family did, he WILL NOT get any more of my anger, nor will he deserve to call me his wife.  I have a new attitude and it is called "JESUS". And for that I am thankful.  God has blessed me in so many ways, and one of those ways was showing me that this man is obviously NOT the man for me.Maybe there is no man for me.  I feel like I have been put here to just be by myself and maybe that might be a good thing.  I won't have to answer to no one, or deal with anyone else's problems.These last couple of days I have been trying to get things together.  Get back to where I was.  I have been dealt a minor setback, but I always get up swinging. I will not be stressed out behind some fool.  I am diabetic, and I don't need the aggravation, and I am not going to.  I have been getting myself geared up for what the summer will have in store for me.  I got this interesting email about a paid for trip to Germany, to chaperone at my job, and I immediately began to ask questions.  I wanted to know what I needed to do to be apart.  I think that I need something like this to be apart of.  Do something different for a change.  See and check out another culture.  The only thing is, I DO NOT like flying.  That is crazy.  And the flight will be 7-8 hours long.  I would definitely have to de-stress before I get on there.  But you only live once.  Since my so-called husband doesn't want to do anything with me, then I will do things myself.  Plus I plan to go visit some of my friends that live in other states as well. I am going to keep myself busy so I won't have time to think about this fiasco of a marriage.  This is something that I will NEVER do again in life. I couldn't get it right the first time, I am DEFINITELY not EVER doing it again.I haven't done anything to him to deserve what he did, so I am not going to be worried.  I don't want to even be bothered with him.  He called me yesterday, like nothing has happened and I didn't even want to talk to him and I think that he could tell that I was disinterested with his call and that I wasn't upset or nothing.  I just listened to his sad sack story.  I feel like this, if you knew you weren't going to be with me, you should have told me that a LONG time ago, and I could have BEEN went my own way, and moved on.  I have suffered a minor set back and thank goodness it was a minor one.  I just have to re-save to do the things that I need to get done. He had the audacity to call me yesterday on pay day talking about he didn't get the money to get his cellphone cut back on.  Like he was waiting on me to offer to pay his bill.....lol  He must have bumped his head.  I just listened to the lies.  Then at the end of the conversation he had the nerve to say he loved me.  I said, "You do?" (More like, "Yeah Right, I can't tell.") He got mad and got off the phone.  He just don't know, he has already pushed me away, and that I am already GONE.  One of the things that he did was take the wedding ring receipt that I had on lay away, that he claimed he was going to pay on and that he wanted it out.  First of all, I knew that he wasn't going to do nothing of the sort and I was the one who orginally put the money down on the rings in the first place.  So I took my happy self to the jewlry store and put the wedding rings back and used my store credit and $20.00 more dollars to purchase me a pretty gold ring which I am wearing now.  Of course I had a headache when I left the store, but felt incredibly good about my decision.I hope that he has a nice life.

Well I certainly know when to say enough is enough.Nothing has changed in my husband's situation.  He is still running around out in the streets, and after yesterday, I had pretty much had quite enough.  I am tired of listening to his sad sack stories about how he doesn't know what to do, and that things aren't working out for him out there in the streets, and how he really wants to come home.  All of it is just a crock, and a ploy to get me to drive him and take him where he needs to go.He needs to save it.  Now I have done all that I could possibly do for him, but it wasn't enough.  He really doesn't have anything to offer me, so I don't even know why I bother.  If it wasn't for the fact that we have a history, I think that it would have BEEN over with.  I feel so stupid sometimes, about how I fell in love with someone who is showing me that he never really loved me in the first place.  When he is in street-mode, all of his relationships, marriage, and our best friendship flys straight out the window.  He refuses to stand up and be a man, take responsibility.  I talked to an ole' friend of mine, whom I had not spoken to in years that I attended my first high school years with.  She made the comment that the men of our generation are ALL messed up.(not quite the words she used) But I got the meaning, and I never thought about it like that, but it seems to be true.  All I have been doing lately is just praying, and getting closer to God, who is a good God and thanking him for me just being here.  At first I would argue and plead for him to come home, and that seemed to make him go deeper into the streets.  So now, I use silence, and that irritates him as well.  So I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.So I just said to hell with that.  He has found a way to push me away.  I don't think that he realizes it, but he will like VERY soon.At first I was feeling broken hearted, and disappointed but now I am beginning to become distant.  The longer that he stays away, the less I miss him.  Because he doesn't care nor miss me and the boys.  So why should I worry about what happens to him out there in the streets, when he had somewhere to come home to??  That is crazy, and I would be a brand new fool for even thinking that.  I certainly hope and pray that he gets himself together before it is too late.  I still love and care about him, but I will not continue to be the fool and idly sit by and watch him destroy himself.  I will just pray for him that he will just stop and remember where home is.  In the mean time, me and the boys will always be alright.  Because I am always going to take care of us no matter what.  We can carry on like he was never there for real. Just like he is out in the streets carrying on like we were never there for him.  You reap what you sow.  So I wouldn't be surprised if he wound back where he just came from in prison.  I would definitely divorce him then.  I have done far more than I needed to.  And I know that I will be blessed for it eventually, and I certainly hope that he doesn't come around then trying to be all in the family.  I have been praying and reading my bible.  I also plan to go and visit my pastor sometime this week, or approach him at church this Sunday and see if I can set up some sort of counseling with him.  He is my pastor that I grew up with. So I know that I can talk to him.  I know that he won't believe what I have gotten myself into.  But I need to get some things off my chest before that passive aggressiveness comes out of me, and I flip out on my husband.  So it is best that we have no contact. I guess his little 2 hours he spent with me yesterday should have been enough to shut me up.  But it wasn't. He needs to seriously grow up, as he should have already seen, time waits for NO ONE.

This is a day when I am sitting here at my desk at work wondering, "Lord what could happen next".Since my last post, my husband and I began another series of talks.  Not that anything has gotten by a large, better.This mornings issue has to do with our sex life.  Which is basically none.  And when we do it is so quick, I am left hanging.  It is driving me nuts.  My husband returned home on Saturday, but he was gone most of the evening.  However, since he has been home it seems like he hasn't touched me in a minute.  I have noticed it.  He satisfies himself, and seems to not care about me.  I know that this is a touchy topic, but I am a REAL person and I know only to come at this angle.  This is something that hasn't been resolved throughout the many issues that we have been dealing with on a regular, but also a topic that has risen within our talks.I normally don't be talking to my ex boyfriends, but I have been talking back and forth with one, who is also married and going through alot, esp. in the sex dept.  I even asked him did he feel like there was something wrong with me??  I don't know what else to do.  It is like my marriage is falling apart bit by bit, day by day.  We keep having these arising issues, that seem to be mounting and occurring more and more.I don't know what else to do.  I feel like giving the hell up.  Now this morning as I am leaving, he tells me that when he comes in this evening that we need to talk.  I am like, about what??  I had let go of my angry feelings about last night.  He has been wanting to do nothing but sleep, and satisfy himself quickly.  How am I suppose to be made to know what is really going on.  Maybe he has another woman somewhere that I don't know about.  I don't know.  That is something that I don't want to think about or assume, but the thought still stays stuck in the back of my mind.  I am trying my hardest to trust him, but he is making that so hard.  Plus I haven't made it any easier on myself, because I have conditioned myself not to trust NO ONE, when I have been alone all these years.  I know one thing I have had my fill of trying to make things work, because he always finds a way to try and turn it on me, and make everything my fault.  I don't like that.  He finds excuses to do and say things, even getting back out there on the street.  He kills me when he tries to justify that.  I loved him for HIM.  Not what he can give me, not for what he can do for me, and not because of looks.  I am never judgemental and I believe when you assume things you are setting yourself up to fail.  I feel like such a failure with this marriage.  I am sick and tired of his family already, and all the many other issues we have seemed to have run across again and again.  What must I do??? Because I would take any advice, words of encouragement, ANYTHING, at this point in time.Maybe it would restore a little hope, even though I doubt that.  He got an attitude, because I got mad last night.  I mean, he seriously does not see why I get angry about certain things, just like he does it.  Maybe I am asking too much of him.  I didn't think that affection, was something too much to ask.Affection is something that I was never used to, but always longed for, and didn't think that I would have to pull teeth to get it from my husband.  This whole marriage thing is real crazy.  One thing that I do know for sure, is I am tired of giving 90.1%, to his 10%.  That is freakin weird.  Maybe I did something bad to deserve this marriage that I have.  I pray that I haven't.  Because I don't think that I deserve to suffer so.  The more issues that we encounter, the more I am willing to say, the hell with it.  I barely got any sleep last night, and now I am sitting up sleepy.  Couldn't sleep, couldn't believe what had happened, and started to wish that I had not married who I had married.  That maybe I would be better off by myself, and that God intended me to be by myself.And the plot thickens..................

I have finally reached the end of my rope with my so-called husband. I have truly had enough of the crap, and I am just knowing when to say when.This man has been gone since Tuesday of this week, staying over to his sister's house, baby sitting his mother. I have taken all that I am going to take from him and her. Just as I talked about family interference the other day, this has been the ultimate example.  Tuesday night his mother collapsed, and he panicked.  Come to find out this mother of his, who is 72 years old, is addicted to percoset(pain killers), snorting and crushing pills, and had even drank some "moonshine". She seriously has a death wish.  This demon has a house in Tappahanoc, VA, which is maybe 1-2 hours away from where we are, and she has been up in this area since my husband has been home, playing on his sympathy, because he is the only one that she knows that she can do it to.  He is the baby of 8 siblings, and she has manipulated him ALL of his life, since the age of 12.  This is why he has been in and out of prison.She has allowed him from the age of 12 to take care of her, and his grown ass siblings, by any means necessary, and then when he gets into trouble, he is the "forgotten".  I am so sick of Satan, trying to take control over him.  And it is like he refuses to see it.  His mother can't do nothing wrong in his eyes.  I am to the point now, that he has stayed gone so long, that I don't care if he comes home or not.  I am used to being alone, and taking care of myself and my sons alone.  This demon he calls a mother, has broken us up before, and I didn't stay and fight, I just stepped off, because I don't need that drama in my life.  But I got a trick for her, even though I am not going to put him first in my life any more, I am going to stick around, just because.  Just like her and her children do things out of spite, I know how to play the game as well. She needs to know that her son has a life, and that she cannot continue to control it.  He is too stupid or blind one to even recognize the game when he sees it.  Yet he is so smart and knows everything.I have had enough, and I would think that he has too.  When he was locked up, no one, and I mean NO ONE cared about his ass.  Except me!  I hope that he goes ahead and stays over there.  Now in the last day or so, and even this morning, he has called me begging me to bring him something to eat.  He was in such a hurry to get over there and get to his mother, that they aren't feeding him??  Plus he claimed the other day that they were going to take him to see his PO, and later I found out that they didn't even take him to see his PO, he ended up catching the bus.  But he loves his family so much.  I don't know what to do any more.  All I know is that I am going to take care of ME and my sons.  I am now focusing on ME.  I started working out yesterday, and I am going to workout today.  I am going to try and start up a schedule to workout at least 2-3 times a week because it is painfully obvious that he does not care about me nor my health.So it is time for me to give a damn about myself. I am so tired of giving, giving, giving of myself to never get anything in return.  So now, he will really see the other side of me.He calls me this morning at work, acting like he was concerned about how I was doing, when indeed all he wanted was for me to bring him something to eat.  That fool is crazy..............

Well, another day, same sh**.  Here I am sitting here again, questioning my role as a wife. I am not in a good mood today.  After my tyrade about how much I needed my husband, and that he needs to lay off that family of his, it was just a waste of breath.He stayed around me all of 5-6 days, I think in order to shut me up, and then today it was back to business as usual of him going over to his sister's house to sit up in his mother's face.  I am so sick of that I don't know what to do.  He hasn't found a job, and his probation officer told him to go to this resource center where they would help him find a job.  Yet he is too busy sitting up there in his mother's face to do that.  He expects ME to find him a job, when he has no skills, and didn't finish high school.  Who does he think is going to hire him??  I mean seriously, with the way that the economy is going today.  It is almost like he is not even trying.  It is becoming so frustrating to me.If I didn't know any better, he is walking around like I owe him something, when I don't owe him ANYTHING.  If anything he owes ME.  I can't believe the audacity.  He constantly tells me that I am selfish, and I admit that when it comes to him, yes I am selfish.  But material things and money I am not.  He is the one that is selfish all the way around.  I am running out of money, and we don't even have the money that I had been saving to move any more, because I have been spending it on everything that I don't have any business spending it on.  I feel like he is turning into that ungrateful person, that my sons are.  And that may be my fault because I am always doing everything for everyone except myself.I am not even mad that he went over to his sister's house to hang around all day, I am mad that he is not doing what he is suppose to be doing as far as finding a job, or getting something on the ball, and not waiting on me to do everything.  I am sick of that already.  He is becoming lazy, and having an attitude.  Yet I am always the one with the attitude.  I just don't have nothing else to say to him, because when I say something there is always a problem.  I don't know what else to do.  I think that I got more than what I bargained for, when he came home.  I wasn't ready for this.  I don't know what he is thinking.  I know one thing, this frustration is starting to effect my work.  And that is something I usually do not allow.  Another thing that is frustrating me is the fact that our sex life is horrible.  It happens far and few between, and when it does, he lasts long enough to satisfy himself, and leave me hanging all the time.  I am getting tired of that as well.  I waited all these years for this??? That is exactly how I am starting to feel, like I have wasted many years for this crap that I am going through with him.  I know that you aren't suppose to question God, but sometimes I want to ask what did I do to deserve this?  I don't even know how to deal with it any more.  Because every time that I say something he gets on the defensive, and it always turns into an argument.  I almost don't want him to come back home today, and hope that he stays where he is all day.  I am sick of battling for his attention with those no good people he calls family.  He doesn't even call me and my sons his family.  So I don't know how long this is going to last.  One thing is for sure, he is stressing me out and that is something I DON'T need.

This is something that is truly bothersome for me......to actually discuss the topic of "Family Interference". As long as my husband and I have been in a relationship, we have experienced family interference, more so within his family.  Mine didn't really know my husband, but the fact that he was in prison most of the time, they began to form their own opinions.  My husband's family though, didn't want him with me, because they found that they could not manipulate me for money like they did my husband all the time, from the age of 12.Namely his mother.  Since my husband has been home, she is starting it all over again.  She is finding a way of demanding all of my husband's attention.  I had to put a stop to that.  Because it seemed like a vicious cycle threatening to start all over again.  My husband is the youngest of 8 siblings, and yet she acts like he is her husband.  He has been taking care of her and the rest of the family by selling drugs and paying bills from the age of 12.  He has no business taking on that type of responsibility at the age of 12.  I would KILL my sons if I even THOUGHT that they were out there doing that, and claiming to help me pay bills. Makes me sick.  She needs to be ashamed of herself.  Now all of a sudden she is getting sick, and fighting with her husband, because she knows that my husband loves her, and is going to make sure that she is ok.  Since she has been home, he has been running back and forth, tending to her, and since I don't like her, I just drop him off.  But as of the beginning of this week, I was recognizing her game.  She is an Elder in the church, but pure evil.  She wants to manipulate my husband into him taking care of her like he used to, but it ain't going to happen.  I let him know that the other day.  I told him that I NEEDED HIM.  All this time that I have waited on him, took care of him,  I NEEDED HIM!  The same mother and family, forgot all about him when he was locked up.  Didn't write, didn't visit, and didn't send any money or NOTHING.  I know that he loves his mother, and that is something that he has to deal with, not me.  But he is going to love me just as much as I love him.  I explained to him that this is part of the reason that we had broken up in the past.  Listening to all the negativity, esp. the things that him mother and sister made up about me.  Just to get me out of his life, and they could have him all to themselves, to get into trouble again.  Well that will REALLY come to an end when we up and move out of the state of VA.They are really not going to know what to do.  That will probably be the happiest day of my life too.  Knowing that they can't get to him as much, and he can't get to them.  Unless it is really an emergency.  He needs a change and so do I. After giving him some things to think about the other day, I am hoping that I stay first in his life, because I told him that I am tired of being 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and I refuse to sit in the back of the bus while his mother is demanding the spotlight, NOT AGAIN.  We will see how things go.  But don't be surprised if I am up here venting again about something.

Today has not been such a good day, and neither was yesterday.  It seems like my husband is beginning to give up, after being home a month and a few days.He had another discussion with my sons last night, in which he told me that it would be his last time talking to them.  I don't know what to tell him, because I told him what to expect with them.Then today, all of a sudden he tells me that he wants to get out of the house, because he is tired of sitting in there already.  So I feel alarmed to myself, because I knew that this day was coming.  He has me drop him off in his old neighborhood, where he has gotten in all of the trouble he has been in.  I am thinking about this ex girlfriend that may live over there, and/or the trouble he could get himself into over there.  Adding more stress to me, and since I am suffering from menstrual cramps, this decision instensified my pain.  I don't know if he is aware that he is causing me stress or exactly what, but he is.  The last few nights, including this morning I have been waking up to him, waking me up because apparently I have been fighting or something in my sleep.  Which I think has him alarmed because I guess he is thinking that something is bothering me that I am not telling him.  Which it is, and just the decision he made today did not help.I am wondering should I keep my mouth closed and wonder silently, or just confront him with it??  I really don't feel like the latter because the pain I am in, and the way that I feel, I don't feel like arguing with him.  I am trying so hard, to be able to trust him, but I have conditioned myself a LONG time ago to not trust NO ONE, and I still don't.  I don't even trust my own husband.  That is where alot of my insecurity comes from, not too mention my low self esteem.  I do know that if he was to get into trouble again that he definitely would not have me.  My days of being a "prison wife", is not the life for me any more.  Dealing with a man that I can't have because he made it that way.  As much as I have stressed to him that he doesn't have to resort to anything that would put him in harm's way, or get him into trouble to take care of us, he does not see things that way.  He is a "By any means necessary" type of guy, which drives me nuts about him.  Of course his excuse today was he was tired of sitting around while I am doing everything.  That is crazy.  If I recall correctly I have been doing everything the entire time that he was in prison.  What makes this time so special.  I knew that when he came home that he wasn't going to "magically" get a job right away.  I would have to be in some sort of fantasy world to even think something like that.  I don't know.....I do know that I was not happy about his decision to go over into an area he has had so much trouble in before.  He claims that he needs a job like now, I know this, but his skills are none, and he didn't graduate from high school, so what makes him think that he is going to get a good job handed to him off the top??  I don't understand it.  That is just my opinion today, because I am getting more and more depressed by the day.

Things are slowly getting back to normal.  Last week was a serious hard one for me.  I had to work on getting my husband well, and I had to deal with taking my father to the doctor for a procedure, and to top it all off go to my uncle's wake and funeral. By Friday, the day of the wake and funeral I was so drained that it was unreal.  That entire week had me drained, and all of Friday had me drained emotionally.  The good thing was, my husband hung in there for me and with me.I have been so busy that it has been unreal.  This Saturday past, we went and looked at another house.  We looked at it, and few others before it.  So we have been also busy with our married life as well as dealing with every day things.  One of the fun things that we did this weekend was put us some new wedding rings on layaway, to make up for the rings that we lost years ago.  That is something to look forward to.  So things are starting to look a little promising.  I came back to work today though and was irritated off top by someone here at work.  I need to stop letting small things bother me.  I be trying, but not succeeding because it always happen when I least expect it.  There is one thing however that is bothering me today, and that is the fact that my husband is over to his sister's house right now, with his mother, because his mother is about to go back to her house in Tappahanock,  VA, and I am glad as I don't know what.  But he is over there bragging and showing off the new clothes and stuff that I bought him over the weekend.  He knows that I don't like that showing off stuff.I guess he wanted to rub in their faces that there is someone who cares for him, because they didn't. That is truly his family and he has to deal with them.  I don't.  My husband was able to meet my father's side of the family, even though it was under some sad circumstances that he had to meet them, they have all met him on that side of the family and they seem to like him.  Now, my mother and her side of the family is another story all together.  I haven't told my mother that my husband is home now, and he is quite upset about that.  He feels that I need to tell her, and I will, just in my own time.  She told me awhile back that she didn't know him and didn't want to know him.  So I have been reluctant to tell her about it.  But if we are to get this house, she will have no choice but to find out about him.She will probably stop speaking to me, but oh well, that will be her loss.  Because my father's side of the family seems to like him.  "Life goes on, whether you are sitting on top of it, or stretched out under it", is my new motto.  Because it is so true, and whether my mom likes the idea of me and him being together or not, is not even my concern any more.  My aunt told me the other day that I seemed happier. Even after grieving at my uncle's funeral.  My husband must have brought out something in me.  We have been through way too much to stop now.  Maybe I do seem happier.  We have definitely had a bumpy road, but hopefully it will get even better.  Because I think that I deserve some sort of happiness in my life......