The World According to Reko and her Inmate Husband

My place to vent, and write about life's ills, and dealing with my husband and the prison system in VA.

More to think about............

SadWell today is a new day, However I don't feel no better than I did yesterday.  With all the arguing that my husband and I have been doing it is making me rethink some things.  One thing I know for sure, I am too old to be arguing and carrying on with him like we have been doing.Zip it!I just assume to keep my mouth closed at this present time.  Thankfully he didn't call me back yesterday evening, and to be honest I was kind of relieved, because he probably felt the same thing that I was feeling like there was another argument brewing.  He didn't call me back at all yesterday evening or night.  I kind of hope that he does not call me today, because I am still kind of ticked off about some recent things that I have been going through and he is not here. I am going to admit that I do love my husband and have hung in there with him off and on all these years, but I feel like now I have reached the end of my rope with all this arguing that we have been doing.  Now I don't know what to do, esp. since it is getting so close to him being released.CoffeeAs I am sitting here this morning on my 3rd cup of coffee, I don't know what to expect. I have tried to read up on things like this, and have joined a number of groups to help with some kind of support for people like me, a wife of an Inmate.  While there are many good things about the online groups, the support feeling is very short.  Which is leading me to believe that I might need some counseling help with this.StormI feel like since I definitely don't have friends nor family that I can turn to about it. I don't know where to turn.  I even went so far as to tell my husband that we needed counseling.  (He disagreed of course, and knowing him he probably thinks that I am the ONLY one that needs it.)  However, he did agree that if I felt that we needed it, then he would cooperate.  I am now wondering has that thinking changed as of this latest argument.LightningI don't know.  I just got the feeling that our arguing is going to get worse.  I was told by one of my colleagues that things would get worse before they will get better.  Which is something that I DON'T want to happen.  All the years of separation was quite enough of "worse" that I feel that we actually need. It seems also that us being best friends all these years, is about to go out the window with all this arguing.  I am trying so hard to not read so much into things.  I have a feeling he may try and call me today, or maybe he won't, but I don't really want to talk to him right now.HmmThere is another online group I am in, and one of the members have been telling this story about her possibly reconciling with her husband over the Thanksgiving holidays, and considering what they have already gone through, I am happy for her, and everything, but I can't help but think about my relationship with my husband with disdain.  Because we are seeming like we are going backwards once again with our relationship.  I feel like screaming..........Broken HeartWilted Flower

Published 3 Dec 2008 8:58 AM by Reko36
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Comments

# re: More to think about............@ Thursday, December 04, 2008 7:26 PM

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband are having problems. Sometimes when people are close to gettin out, relationdships become strained. I don't know what the argument is about but I think I would try to really drill down and find out where all of this is coming from then move from there.

My husband and I have gone through our share of arguments and even separated for serveral years, since he has been in but we found out that we needed focus.  We re-focused on us and our relationship and decided that NO argument was worth being without each other.  Having said that yes there were days that I felt like pulling my hair and his hair too. I felt alone and isolated from everyone but I made it through the other side.

and you will too...hang in ther sister

by allysion Williams

# re: More to think about............@ Friday, December 05, 2008 11:55 AM

Thanks for your words of encouragement Allysion.  We have been talking these last couple of days since the last argument trying to figure out why, all the arguing about petit things.  I think that we are both scared.  We have been separated for just about the same amount of time, and I think my whole quick to argue thing is that I am used to being on my own and him not being here, that I feel he shouldn't be making any demands and he is not here, and trying to be the boss.  Of course I am met with resistance on that.  So I think that is where most of our arguments originate from and escalate from there. Because they wind up being about nothing.  I think that we need some sort of counseling.  I am definitely alone and isolated, and praying that I make it through the other side.

by Reko36

# re: More to think about............@ Saturday, December 06, 2008 9:37 PM

Hey Lady,

I am just checking back you to see how things are going.. I hope well...you are not alone

Ally

by allysion Williams

# re: More to think about............@ Sunday, December 07, 2008 9:43 AM

Well, I went to see my husband yesterday and we actually had a good visit. After the turbulent week I had, I was glad to see him. And I think that the feelings were mutual. He called me this morning but the phone cut off before we could finish our conversation. I really miss my husband and wish that he was home. It seems like the days are dragging on and on.  I never usually have no one to talk about this to, but it is hard keeping things bottled up. Thank you for checking up on me.

by Reko36

# re: More to think about............@ Sunday, December 07, 2008 11:47 AM

I totally understand about days dragging on... April can't get here fast enough for me. I am glad to here things are doing better. What works for me is taking things 1 day at a time, which sounds simple but is hard in our situation. I don't think anyone understands that because things can get all piled up in a big hurry if we let them and that can cause HUGE problems.  

Anyway good to hear on your visit..

Ally

by allysion Williams

# re: More to think about............@ Sunday, December 07, 2008 12:23 PM

You have said it best. The days are certainly dragging. And I have like 6-7 weeks left to wait on mine. It is driving me crazy. I just talked to him and the majority of our conversation was about how much we love and miss each other. I can't believe it. We feel like we are so close, yet still so far from each other. He is like 20 minutes from where I live. So I think that is what makes us both frustrated. I know one thing this entire experience will make us appreciate our relationship that much more.

by Reko36

# re: More to think about............@ Sunday, December 07, 2008 3:50 PM

Let me tell you a trick or as I call in "sanity" mode I go into. Whenever my husband starts with "control" stuff, I go into "ah huh" (meaing like okay sure..). It helps me get through those times when he is telling me what to do and I already know what I am going to do. Get it? I mean I respect my husband and love him more than any man I have EVER known but he is NOT here and I am and I must do what I think is best. I mean we discuss problems and issues but you know and I know until they come home WE are the ones who must deal with the consequences...good or bad of any decision. It's called consideration of his point of view then making the best decision I can, without disrepecting him and not letting him have his voice heard. Hell, sometimes he can give me a point of view I hadn't thought of yet BECAUSE he is not here and involved, so remember to be open. He wants to be here and help me just like I know your man does with you. Just keep remembering that...

When he comes home HE is the man of our and I am his wife and we will make and act on our decisions together but until that day comes, I can not argue about how I spend money or when to do this or that. It wastes time and we don't have it to give.

Anyway this keeps me sane and us from arguing all the time... it took years for me to figure it out though...

Ally

by allysion Williams

# re: More to think about............@ Sunday, December 07, 2008 5:38 PM

Man I wish I had read your response before we ended up arguing again. I can't believe it. We just finished arguing and this time he started it.  We spent the entire conversation arguing. Maybe you are right I need to learn how to tune somethings out. Although I respect him too, I have a low tolerance myself. I keep giving in to his mess. I admit I have started some of the arguments at times but this time I didn't. I don't know what else to do. Because as much as I love him the arguing is getting on my nerves. I am in here sweating and slaving fixing me and my sons a good Sunday dinner and him and I are straight arguing. I don't know Ally, we just can't seem to get it together.

by Reko36