Prison Love: Hanging on or letting go

Well, this seems to be a pretty sensitive subject to talk about today.

First off, my thanks to those who have been emailing me recently about my blogs, and those who have asked how to support it. I actually should be writing more on these issues, but those of you that know me KNOW I love sports, and college and pro football on, well, you know where I am.

And I had not been on for awhile because sometimes when I don’t get many responses, I have to step back and re-evaluate my writing. I told myself that I am not going to force a blog, it has to be something put in my heart to talk about before I spend the time writing. I don’t usually write short blogs, you know that by now. So if I sit down to blog, I am going to spend anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour writing… I don’t take that lightly because if somebody took the time to email me, and I felt they could use my help, I am going to do my best to help.

So recently I got several emails, many based around the blogs I write about prison love. And there are generally two schools of thought here, one on the idea that people who are so in love with someone in prison, and it tears them up to be apart from them. The other thought is those who have loved ones, and DO indeed love them, but are torn in whether this person can be trusted or not.

This puts a lot of people in a position of whether to hold on to your loved one, or to let go of him.

And I will grant you this, it is easy for anybody outside the circle to give a cheap opinion. You don’t have to be attached to a person in Texas with a loved one doing 20 years to say, “dump him, he’s not worth it”.

Easy to say since you don’t know either person. It also makes it insensitive.

What I have to be careful of here is not being too judgmental on one side or the other, but to try my best to speak as best I can, as fairly as I can, and as constructively as I can to give the reader hope. But sometimes hope comes with a strong look at reality, or your faith.

Sometimes those can be complete opposites.

And let me say for the 12 millionth time, what I share here may not speak for any inmate, and I am speaking from my experience as an ex felon, and a guy that has been writing posts and blogs since about 2002. But that does NOT make me right, it just gives you some guide to bounce on or off of.

So, let’s talk about this situation. What do you do when you are in a prison relationship where you have to make a decision of whether to hang on to the man you love, or drop him and move on.

There is no answer I can give you based ONLY off that question, because it requires YOU to take a hard look at yourself, your loved one, the things you desire in the relationship and the problems that are keeping that relationship from bringing forth fruit. And all this is under the prison umbrella, so this does not apply as the generic relationship that others have. We’re talking about a relationship with a man that has done time, or doing time, and the difficulties of him and it that may have you at the crossroads.

So to sort it out, we need elements to look at. I would like to identify a few elements that maybe you can look at and help make your decision. Those elements are:

What you give in the relationship

What you expect in the relationship

What your loved one gives in the relationship

What your loved one expects in the relationship

The main problem with the relationship

How, or IF the problem can be overcome

Now I know I am no Dr. Phil, but this could give you some idea of where you can start. Remember though, these elements are based on a man that is in prison, or has done prison time, that is the only area I can speak from, so as we go through this try to remember that I am blogging for those with loved ones in prison, or those who have gone through prison.

So let’s try to address each one. And as a guide, I am going to use a general example from a person who emailed me about her loved one. In her situation, her loved one has a serious addiction to drugs, and has been in and out of trouble constantly, and she is starting to wonder if the relationship is worth hanging on to, and whether she can trust him in what he tells her.

This is pretty timely because I have another dear reader who has been reading my blogs for awhile and she has the same issues with a loved one who has done time but just does not seem to be getting his life together. So maybe I can touch on both of these by going over the elements. Again, this is NOT gospel, so don’t take my words as the only way to address this. But it is a start to getting you to a more positive outlook. So, let’s begin:

The first two elements key in on you, the person with the loved one in prison (or one having just done time). This is important that you make some reflections on yourself and your part of the relationship. Lots of times when things go wrong, we like to believe that more than half of it is someone else’s fault. And to be sure, many times that can be true. But sometimes we fail to be honest on both sides, realizing that maybe we could have done something better to help the situation. Or, sometimes you get to the point that maybe you KNEW that this was a problem to begin with, and you should “seen the signs” and got out of the relationship sooner.

This is not to imply that it’s all your fault, it is just the step in identifying all the areas in this situation. So we look first at what you give to the relationship. And when it comes to a loved one in prison, this is easily identifiable. If you have a loved one in prison, I am pretty sure you allow expensive phone calls, write to him, often, send him money every now and then, and things like that. If you have a loved one in prison, or jail, or one who has done time, I am pretty sure you have indeed GIVEN him much, sometimes to your hurt.

Lots of women go into debt trying to please a man in prison, and to me it is not a source of support when it depletes from your life. There has to be a line drawn when you realize that if he expect you to answer that phone 5 times a day, 5 days a week, then that phone bill will have a comma in it every month. Is HE paying for the bill? Probably not.

But it’s hard to put a price tag on someone you really love. For that I can understand how some feel. But in this element, you have to sit down and say, “what am I giving in this relationship?”

Once you do that, then be honest in looking at what you expect in the relationship. This is where your heart can be shown. Whereas what you give can often times be material, what you expect can many times be emotional. What do many people WANT in a prison relationship? In the case with one of my readers, she spent a lot of money on phone bills, and visits. Another reader gave her loved one a place to stay, but he did not respect her.

This is part of what is given, what then do those people expect in return? I think the answer in general is very simple…love. But does this have to be more defined than that? I mean, that is very generic, and no two relationships are the same, especially when we are talking about prison relationships. What is it that women expect from a prison relationship?

Of course, being a guy, I can’t answer that personally, but because I am writing to help, I think the answer goes more along the lines of not just love, but respect, in an almost unconditional way. You see, you can LOVE somebody in a carnal way, and not care about them. But when it becomes an emotional part of you, then it is different.

In the case of the lady with her loved one now in jail, she questions his loyalty to her, because she said that she has reason to believe he has been lying to her. And with his addiction to drugs, there seems to be some strong support since drugs can often cause people to do things they normally would not do. She expects him to be loyal to her, because she has been the same way to him. When a woman commits to one man, and one man ONLY, she expects him to be just as loyal and respectful to her as she has been to him.

The basis of her problem is tied to lack of trust, which may well be true considering his situation. The same can be said for my other reader, who loved her man and gave him a place to stay, but only to have him disrespect her. In both cases, trust was a major issue.

So which is greater? Trust, Respect, Loyalty or Love

These are all the things women expect from a prison relationship, and rightly so. I can write and defend inmates in many ways, since I was once one, but I know that were it not for kind women and loving women, prisons would be full of very, very depressed men. My hats are clearly off to any woman with a loved one in prison or jail. I have read much about what you have given, but often times it is unclear what is expected.

I think each of those four factors is what a woman expects in a prison relationship. But the foundation of this is around love…thus the relationship. Yet I wonder if this is the main thing women expect in relationship. Yes LOVE in the true form is what we expect, but I think the key ingredients has to be something I hear more times than not…respect and loyalty.

I think women expect more respect and loyalty from their man, because so many times I read posts about women who found out their man was cheating on somebody else, or they abused their respect, or were not good stewards with what the women gave them. I think they have every right to expect a man in prison to be loyal to them, and not have 2 or 3 other women “on the side”. They expect a man to respect their wife or girlfriend and consider that it costs a heck of a lot of money to accept a phonecall every day for a month, or to travel 300 miles on a Saturday for a one hour visit.

I’ll be honest, lots of guys don’t fully respect what women give while they are doing time, some do, but many don’t. If a woman can believe that her man is loyal to her, and respects her, then the issue of the relationship isn’t about those problems, it may be more about missing someone they love.

Now, there is another side to this as well…the inmate’s side.

These factors are important too, because it takes two to tango. Sometimes people expect more than a person can give, and when they can’t deliver, we find fault in them. Who knows this more than inmates, or ex inmates? As a guy that did time, I know how incredibly hard it is to live up to abnormal goals set by society just to prove that I am a citizen. Sometimes we expect everything to go as we planned, and not realize that we never talked to our partner about the same plan.

Keeping in mind we are talking about inmates, it is important to understand what THEY give to the relationship. And when you are talking about this angle, it is critical that you remember that in most cases, the inmate has very little material substance to give you. In many cases he is in jail or in prison, so he has nothing to physically give you. Now to expect anything physical KNOWING this can be unfair to him, even with a couple of exceptions I will share in a second.

What the inmate gives to the relationship is something of great value… companionship. I mean, you give that too, but so does he. In many cases it is ALL he can give, and it must be of great importance because so many women are on prison support sites worried about their loved ones. That person is your loved one and you would do almost anything to help him, or at least keep in touch. To many of you, it is worth the huge phone bill just to hear his voice. It’s worth the long drive just to see his face, to touch his hand or even get a kiss or hug.

It’s worth it for somebody you love.

But it is usually all he can give in the relationship. But I did mention exceptions. Those would include letters, visits or phonecalls. But this can sometimes cause problems when what YOU expect from him is something he is unable or unwilling to give.

Case in point: visits.

I read many times where some women desperately need to see their boyfriends or husbands, but they are told that he does not want a visit. So some reason to themselves that they will go anyway and visit him, even if it is not what he wishes.

In this case, the inmate is being forced to give something that he may not be in a position to give…a visit. Yes, this is companionship, but when a person makes a visit when the inmate does not want one, it is a forced companionship, and brings nothing but stress.

Same with letters. Some women send 500 letters a week to their boyfriend, and wonder why they tell her not to send any more. It’s kinda like that book, proving that maybe women are from Venus, and men are from Mars. While women in these situations are looking at showing how much they love their men, those guys are fighting to make it in a very hostile and negative society that is prison.

Now don’t take offense to that, this is the nature of prison. Inmates can only give limited companionship, and it is guarded because a man cannot show “soft” emotions while in prison. Odd, because often times women want men to do just that, not realizing the consequences of a man breaking down in prison can be.

So what does an inmate EXPECT from such a relationship? The carnal way to answer this is easy…money, phone calls, visits, letters, stuff like that. I didn’t say it was right, I said it was carnal. I am sure if I had money a little more often while I was in prison, I would have been able to deal with it much better. But at the same time, money was not an issue when I was in county jail, and I attempted suicide more than once. So in some cases, material objects don’t matter if your feel miserable about your life.

An honest heart of an inmate can expect support from his loved ones, along with a healthy dose of understanding and forgiveness. Remember, they are in prison for a reason, and with their condemnation comes a lot of grief, stress, depression, anger and shame. You don’t fully understand the burden that comes with that unless you have them yourself folks, trust me.

And one of the saddest things in prison is a guy with nobody who cares. It’s not the spiritual Hell that the Bible talks about, but it can be a good description of a hell for a living person. Many inmates fear that they will lose all their loved ones, and be left alone in prison. When that happens, then maybe prison is all they have to live for, not society. But in a prison relationship, an inmate can expect to have companionship of someone who can overlook their faults and still care about them. I mean…which of YOU can say that you are perfect?

So this brings in the next factor, of the actual problem of the relationship. This can be a host of things depending on the relationship itself. Pinpoint the reason why there is a problem, don’t make it generic. Is the problem that you don’t trust him, or because you strongly believe he is having a relationship with another woman? Is it that you feel he does not respect you or that he is always getting locked up. Is it that you feel he can’t be trusted or is it based on his addiction to drugs? There is the generic, and then the specific.

In the two cases with my readers, the key problem centers around drug addiction. I can say with some relief that I have never been addicted to any drugs, nor have I ever smoked anything. When I was in college I drank a little beer…and I mean that literally… a little. One night on campus a guy hands me a 20 ounce can of beer, and I swear I sipped on that thing all night, and ended up throwing about a third of that can away. Just not my stuff…hand me a soda or some orange juice anyday.

So I can’t speak of drug addiction, but I can say that an addiction can be something so strong that it can alter your life. An addiction can actually change your way of thinking to accommodate the lust you have, even if it seems illogical. If you have a loved one that is addicted to drugs, it can be easy to condemn him for his actions, and in truth you can. But in condemnation there also has to be room for compassion, something many of us forget.

Sometimes when we watch sports here at the house, and we hear of athletes who get into trouble, the first thoughts are, “man, what were they thinking? That was just stupid, he’s making millions of dollars and gone off and done something dumb like that”!

It’s easy to condemn folks, it takes no heart to do that.

But before you condemn a person, take time to look in the heart of the matter, with some compassion instead of snap judgments . One example I remember is a recent story of Junior Seau, a professional football player for the San Diego Chargers. A few weeks ago a tabloid celebrity (of which I will NOT name) accused him of physical assault and refusing to let her leave. The police arrested Seau and he posted bond and got out.

During that day, some of the media talked about how this was a distraction and I remember one person saying to me along the lines of , “what was he thinking!”. But as the story started to unfold, we learn that the accusations were false, and it is quite possible that Junior Seau may well have saved her life by refusing to let her leave while intoxicated. Not only her life, but quite possibly others as well.

But it’s easy to condemn, you don’t need much to do that, just look for faults.

Yet when we look at prison relationships with issues like this, it begins here. What is the specific problem, not a general one. In the cases I mentioned, drug addiction is the problem. And while blame has to be placed somewhere, I suggest that it be placed carefully, because after all, that is someone you care about.

Too many times when people have drug or alcohol addictions we judge the person, and not the sin…the two are actually more separate than you think, but often times we don’t have the time, or heart, to separate the two.

Which leads us to the final element, deciding how, or IF the problem can be fixed.

Having said everything I have said today, I know these are not easy to look at if you are at these crossroads. But if you have gotten to this final element, we have to help you determine how or if this problem can be fixed.

But this isn’t as hard if we look at this more spiritually. Can it be fixed…absolutely. Is anything impossible? Well, yeah, with man it is (or mankind). Sometimes however when we have problems that are over our heads, we may have to seek help in a Power that is higher than ours.

This is where a lot of us miss it…or just plain refuse to accept.

If you truly, truly LOVE somebody, wouldn’t you do everything you can to help them? If you have done everything your natural body can do, how about trying the spiritual? There is a saying, “prayer changes things, but that pretty much applies to those that believe it.

I blogged awhile back about a kid that was in county jail while I was there, he was about 16 years old. Not a real troublemaker, but got arrested for trespassing and juvenile stuff. I got to know him and kinda saw him like a little brother, and we got along really well. When I went to prison and did my time, I had no idea how his life was going. When I got out in 2001, I remember getting a letter from him and sent him a letter back to call me. We got reconnected and as it turned out he had been in and out of jail. But after awhile he got out, and I invited him to our house to visit, and play some video games.

It would have been our first time meeting each other outside of jail, and he came over that day…and stole about $600 from us.

I honestly did not know that my brother left some money in the living room, he never told me about it, but it was odd that my friend saw it, took it and never told me. So when we realized it was gone, and he was the only person that came to the house, we added up 2 and two, and had to call the police.

As it turned out, he admitted to taking the money and did some extra time, like 30 more days. My mom was disappointed in it, my brother was angry, but I could not bring myself to hate the kid. At the time I was working for less than minimum wage for a so-called Christian radio station, but had offered every check I got to my brother to make up for it.

It would have been easy to condemn the kid, and to be honest I had every right to do so. I offered him a place to visit, I had often times sent him a few dollars when he was in jail, and while we were in jail together, I shared much of my canteen with him. I GAVE a lot in this friendship. But as God as my witness, I could not bring myself to condemn the kid, he was a homeless juvenile that hung out with the wrong crowd…who was I to condemn him?

I say that because it goes back to that element, if you LOVE somebody, won’t you do something to help them? Now in prison relationships, that goes further, but it still comes down to what you are willing to do for your loved one. Is the problem too much for you to handle? Is his drug addiction too much to bear on your relationship, or are you willing to do what you can for him to get professional help?

This is not an easy question to answer because to help him means extending your patience beyond the breaking point. If so then this could be your answer…with a loophole. Sometimes you have to put the ball in your loved one’s court by letting them know that under their addiction, there is no real relationship because his addiction has more of a chokehold on not just his life, but your as well. Such a relationship cannot possibly work when a person has a strong addiction to drugs.

If so, then your solution could possibly be to let him know that you have to release him from the relationship until he makes a sincere effort to change. This does NOT mean that you can expect him to be perfect…again, a show of hands of the perfect people out there…yeah, thought so.

But it does mean that you expect him to make an attempt, an honest attempt. And if he does so, then if you love him, you need to be quick to support that. It also means that IF he falls, don’t condemn him totally. We all make mistakes, and those with addictions carry a very heavy burden….the last thing they need to hear is somebody saying, “I told you so” or something with little compassion. If it takes you ending a relationship for him to get his life together, then so be it…it might just save his life. But keep the door open to see if he is willing to do what it takes to make it right for you. After all, he is your loved one…or at least he was.

Let me end this on something more spiritual, in any problem the consensus is that if we have faith and pray for a person, then such problems can be overcome. That sounds a little corny to some, and many of you won’t buy into that…your loss. I have personally seen God work some miracles in my life, and others by prayer. Sometimes it comes down to your faith, and you don’t have to be an every-day Sunday-go-to-church person to have faith. Yeah, it helps but it is not the qualifier. Simply put, if you have a loved one that you really, really care about, isn’t it worth it to at least pray for him?

It could go a long way in really deciding if you will hang on to this guy you love so much, or letting him go. Think on that.

Anyway, my fingers are kinda tired…9 pages is a lot of writing for one subject, but I just could not cheat some of you on my best effort. I hope you can get something out of this, and to remind you that this is not gospel, just the words from a guy that did time. Again, my thanks to those who email me and who support my writings. Hang in there.