Prison Adjustment pt3

So let’s see if we can finish this discussion on how to adjust your life with a loved one in prison.

If you missed the first two parts, you will want to jump back and check those out. In the first part I identified three different modes of though that many of us may fall in. When a loved one gets sent to prison, or put in jail, we have to immediately change the way our lives were previously going, to adjust to a sometimes very traumatic change in life.

But typically speaking, there can be at least three way we can go about this adjustment, or adaptation. We can either adapt in a negative way, meaning preparing for the worst, or a neutral way, in working with “the cards that have been dealt”.

And most of us fall in one of those two categories, as a guy that did time and a guy still trying to get my life back on track, I certainly have been in both of those categories. But I have also been on another mode, one I want to share with you today. Today we’re gonna talk about positive adjustments with a loved one in prison.

This one is obviously the most desired…but often the hardest to maintain, because it often requires one element that the flesh has a HARD time dealing with..

Faith.

Now when I speak of that word, we might try to define it as maybe, “the desire for situations to get better”. One might even crack open a dictionary to give a natural definition, which according to my Oxford American Dictionary says, “reliance or trust in a person or thing”.

And that sounds close, but that’s not REALLY what we are trying to apply here.

And maybe, just maybe, this is how so many of us slip and create the true difference between positive adjustment and neutral adjustment. As I said in the previous blog, neutral adjustment does not mean you have NO faith, it just means you are not applying it. You might really want to believe that your boyfriend doing 10 years can MAYBE get out before then, or that your husband with a criminal record MIGHT get a good paying job after he has done 15 years, but more times than not we end up just working with the situation, rather than aggressively trying to change it to a positive one.

The difference between the two, that being neutral adjustments and positive adjustments is faith…and let me add one more…patience.

“Well then I’ll never be able to do that, I’m not the most religious person in the world”

Folks, this is not about being religious, because that very term has been twisted to say what self-righteous folks want it to say. A religious pastor can sit in front of a pulpit and preach “Love Thy Neighbor” but outside of his church he can refuse to help a man who just got out of prison, needing a job.

You know I have shared with you numerous times about the problems I had with people who call themselves Christians, and how some of these people can “talk the talk” but when it comes to doing it, they are far from it. This is by no means every person who is a Christian, because I can write for days about some very, very good ministries that got me through tough times.

But my point here is that being “religious” is not what we are aiming for. To be positive in your adjustments you are going to have to have some faith and patience. So how can you make those adjustment, how can you adapt to a positive role when you have a loved one in prison?

The steps I spoke about in the neutral adjustment must first apply. I say this because the basis of neutral adjustment is that you don’t know what to do. But we are going to try to install some things that you can do, to pull you from neutral to positive. And because of that, we also have to understand that you can’t have the faith or patience unless you can get yourself under some form of control.

For that reason, it is still critical for you to not panic, to maintain your health and to learn a little about the environment your loved one is in. Those things we covered in the previous blog on neutral adjustment, go back and read those.

Why is that important? Because faith and patience can’t work if you are in a panic, or sick with worry, or afraid of the unknown. The natural body has to find a level of comfort before you can work on the spiritual. I am not saying you have to be completely at ease, because that is likely not going to happen, but we are trying to tone down that panic, that fear, that depression so we CAN apply some faith.

This is important because if we can get you to a positive mentality, then with the faith comes some form of action, and the patience to see it through.

So I have kinda identified three elements that you need for positive prison adjustment, FAITH, ACTION and PATIENCE. Let’s go over each one and see how we can apply this to your adjustment, and how it can work for you.

Now before I continue, let me say that what I am sharing is based on my experiences and what I believe, which means that to a critic, it is just my point of view, because we all do our time differently and we are all different. But I am sharing this in hopes that some will find a measure of hope so they can get through this.

Now, let’s continue by talking about the first element of positive adjustment, that of faith.

I gave you earlier the dictionary’s definition of faith, which as they say, is the reliance on a person or thing. While that is nice, that is NOT the definition I would use, I would rather define it exactly as the Bible defines it:

“Faith IS the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen”.

You see the difference?

I wrote a blog awhile back on this, I wish I could remember where it was amongst all my writings, because I went into depth about the difference between man’s definition and God’s definition.

Man’s definition is based on people and things, the natural. God’s definition is based on the things we can’t see. There is a very strong difference in putting your faith in a man, or a thing, rather than in God. It is here where you can make a strong impact on your positive adjustment.

I mean, if you have a husband or son or boyfriend doing time in prison, what are you hoping for? Think about that for a minute. A mom with a son in prison might be worried and hope that her son does not get in a fight. What is that hope based on? In an odd way, she is hoping that the prison can protect inmates from one another…after all, that’s one of the main reasons for having prison guards, right? So inmates don’t kill each other.

So her faith, her reliance, her trust is in the prison itself, and the guards, that they can keep her son safe. Take some time to think on this folks, because if you have a loved one in prison, consider where you are placing that faith. Now, I don’t think anybody would really SAY that, because often times those same people are on prison support sites asking people to pray, pray, pray. But many times those same people, even though they mean well, are actually asking out of panic…and fear.

Prayer does not work based on fear, it works on faith.

A wife with a husband about to finish his sentence can hope that her husband can get a good job, but what is that hope in. She is hoping that society will allow her husband to get his life back. She is putting her trust and reliance that her husband, with a criminal record, can get a job from people in society. In an odd way, she is putting her faith (by natural definitions) in man.

And most times it does not work that way.

To get into a positive adjustment, you have to redefine where your faith REALLY lies. That can be tricky at first, because all the natural circumstances with him being in prison and you worried about him can make it kinda cloudy. But if you are going to step into a more positive adaptation, you have to start working on placing your faith in something far greater.

I mean, even with the best intentions, man can fail. We know for a fact that people in prison are attacked, even killed. I once got in a fight myself while in prison, getting a busted lip. Hey, it happens. And I am a perfect example of how society will continually judge you after you have done your time. Mankind is not perfect, so putting your faith in that, while on a natural level is fine, can be problematic when you really need help.

Now don’t get me wrong folks, I am not saying to not trust man, that is not what I am saying at all. But I am saying if given a choice of who to trust, man or God, you should always choose God. Sure, continue to have faith in mankind, but put your faith in God.

This is important because even if you can’t see the prison guards, you can have faith that God can work on your behalf to protect your loved one. I mean, think about that, would you rather have faith that God will look over your son while he is in prison, or God?

Would you rather have faith that God can find your husband or boyfriend a great job after he does his time, or would you rather put your faith in mankind? See folks this is where it starts, the moment you start placing your faith in a stronger foundation, it allows you to believe, to TRULY believe that things can get better.

But you’ve got to believe it CAN….otherwise you’re not in the positive adjustment.

Once you’ve grabbed some faith, you then need to do something with it. This is where action comes in, a clear difference between positive, neutral and negative adjustments. And the reason why I list this after faith is based on a scripture that goes, “faith without works is dead”. Simply put, having faith is great, but you still have to act on that faith.

If you have a loved one in prison, it is important that after you set your heart on believing that somehow, someway, things can get better, then you have to act on that. Just believing things can get better might not be enough, it might require you to do something to affirm your belief. Well, how do you do that with a loved one in prison?

You can do this by controlling your communication with your loved one. A lot of people never really realize that what you say in that letter, that card, or over the phone or even at the visit carries a LOT more than just words. What you say to a loved one in prison carries hope, or robs him of it. It carries joy, or robs him of it. What you say to him gives him strength, or robs him of it.

If you are going to make a decision to be positive, then you must be aggressive in not only believing it, but sharing it. Consider what you talk about when you are at that visit, make an effort to be positive with him, even if you have to talk about negative things. I mean, if your husband’s mom is sick and in the hospital, don’t ignore telling him, he needs to know, but how you DELIVER that can make all the difference.

Consider the examples:

“Oh John, I know you heard about your mom in the hospital…I just don’t know what to tell you. Everybody has been by to check on her.”

Or:

“Oh John, I know you heard about your mom in the hospital. There are a bunch of folks that went by, and I am praying for her recovery. If you can hang in there and have just a little faith, I think she will be ok.”

See the difference?

Lots of people will get cynical and try to see the “logic” of that comparison. But folks, logic and faith don’t mix…you’re either going to have faith, or you are going to trust the logical things of the world. Remember, the natural definition of faith says that it is a reliance or trust in people or things…God’s word says faith is the substance of the things we hope for, the things we CANNOT see.

So your action are going to be directly affected by your faith. After all you won’t act on what you don’t believe. What you say to your loved one needs to be faith based as often as possible. I am not saying ALL the time, hey, we’re human. I wish I could write 1000 blogs about being super positive all the time, but anyone who has read my blogs over the last few years knows there were times I was really pissed off about things happening around me.

I don’t have a halo around my head folks, but I say from experience that I have seen miracles in my life, so I know there is a God that cares. In that experience I can draw faith that He hears if I pray (and you too), and from that I can take some forms of action based on that. One of them is the very idea of sharing this with you now.

If you have a loved one in prison, take action in a positive way by keeping his strength up, keeping YOUR strength up both in faith and physically, and stay with it. This brings in the final part, that being patience.

This is critical because you can have faith, you can take action, but if you give up after 1 month, then it was for nothing. And to be honest, this maybe where so many of us slip.

Anybody can get faith, in fact the Bible says we all have a measure of it, and we can actually apply faith to any situation. The problem comes in waiting for the solution to come to pass.

We all want to think that if I have faith that my boyfriend will get a big-time job after prison, then it will happen the day he gets out. And by all means, it CAN happen, but if it does not happen when WE want it to happen, we start to slip.

We all want to think that if I have faith that my son, who got 50 years, can get out sooner, then he will be home inside of 6 months. And by all means, it CAN happen, but if it does not happen when WE want it to happen, we start to slip.

Patience says to wait until it happens…not when YOU want it to happen. Sometimes it can be a difference.

And I kid you not, I have been there numerous times folks, just like you. I have been there, where I have faith and read where God will do this or that, and Jesus said if you pray you shall receive, and whatsoever you desire when you pray, you shall receive. I read those and said to myself, “ok, let’s believe in some things”. And so I did, and things started great….

But then the doubts and negative circumstance start to come in, and you’re waiting for your miracle or blessing to come through, but all you seem to be getting is reminders of your problem, and you start to wonder if God actually heard you. Then you start to slip, wondering if what you prayed for was worthy or righteous…then you start to think of your faults and wonder if God just refused you because you aren’t perfect. And the negative circumstances keep coming, and you see no sign that God heard your prayer…

Then you slip some more, and some more.

See, what is happening is we are losing patience. Believe me folks, I have fallen flat on my face many times when that happened, but I also know the value of patience. In 2004 my probation was about over, having been on a 3 year probation after I got out of prison. I did everything I was supposed to do, and none of my probation officers had a problem with me at all…except that I wasn’t paying the near $10,000 retribution.

It wasn’t that I was refusing to pay…it was because I couldn’t. I had no job. Oh things started out fine, and I thought for sure I could pay that inside of 3 years. But a lot of things went bad for me, including losing a job at a Christian radio station when the pastor who was paying me $3 an hour (even though I have a college degree in radio and television) fired me when I was trying to get minimum wage. I lost not one but TWO jobs because of him. It was hard for me to get a job, and thus impossible to keep up with the payments. At the end of the probation period, I was served papers because I could not afford to pay the restitution.

Imagine that…going to prison for being poor….

My mom was worried sick, we didn’t have the money and I was not about to ask my family members to come up with the money. I would rather go back to prison for the three 3 years than do that. But mom was doing everything she could. I remember taking the time to call a ministry for prayer, and I won’t lie to you, I was afraid. I didn’t want to go back to prison, but I did everything I could possibly do to get my life back, but it came down to not having money.

I had to believe that somehow, someway, God would come through for me…it was all I had.

I remember the day before I had to go to court, mom was on the phone trying to call a bank or someplace to get the money. My professor from college said he could send some, but he didn’t have enough for the whole amount. We needed a miracle. I was actually on the computer, I think I was even blogging, when I saw mom’s worry.

I remember her telling me, “I can’t get the money” and I could tell she was about to cry. I said to her, “well, don’t give up, the day isn’t over yet”….

Let me pause there folks and say to you, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I SAID THAT. I knew the situation, I was worried too, but something deep inside of me just forced me to say that. I was telling mom that there was still a chance, when she tried everything.

After we talked for a bit, I went to my bedroom and closed the door. I sat on the couch in my room and said a little prayer, and ran in my head scriptures of faith. Oh sure, I was worried, but it just seemed that my panic, my fear was held in check by God. It was almost like God was saying, “I will not let you fear”. In retrospect, maybe he was doing just that.

Anyway, about a half hour later mom gets a phone call, and she comes to my room and tells me that she got a loan from a bank that, with the addition of my professor’s contribution, would cover the retribution.

We got our miracle, at the last moment.

I say that to you because it took until the last minute…but God honored that prayer and faith I had…no matter how little it was. I saw a similar miracle when I was in college, needing money to finish my senior year. I had to wait to the last minute to get it, but I got it.

However, lots of people don’t have that kinda patience, and we often fail when things get more difficult. Our loved ones might get sick while in prison, or get in a fight, or might even not communicate with you as much as they used to.

These things are hard to deal with, so I understand how you would feel when you are trying to hang in there, but it is so hard to do. How do you apply patience in the midst of troubling circumstances? How can you make patience a part of your positive adjustment?

I grant you, that isn’t easy ,but IF you have faith, and if you are acting on that faith, then having the patience will come naturally, but it will be tested. There may well be times you just feel like it’s not working…been there NUMEROUS times.

When I originally started blogging, I needed support to do some of the things I wanted to do. That meant having a good computer, a printer and software to do some of my prison cards, prison encouragement certificates, flyers, my prison books and other things. Getting support at first was difficult, and because of the lack of it, I gave up on writing prison issues a few times.

But many times I had people email me asking how they could support my writing, and it helped me many times when I had nothing else. The irony is that a lot of people don’t like it when an ex felon is being supported by readers, because they feel that ex felons ought to be working like everybody else…

And that’s fine and good, but those same people who believe that are the very ones who would deny that same ex felon a job because of their past. Kinda like with Michael Vick. I said before, yes he did wrong, and he got sentenced for that. But he did the time, he paid his debt to society and needs a second chance. Yet lots of those animal rights people don’t want him to play in the NFL, and didn’t want him do anything but suffer. Lots of times people get so self-righteous that it has nothing to do with being righteous.

Anyway, for me to blog and get support, it took patience. I had to believe that IF I was doing the right thing, then sooner or later God is gonna bless me. I have had tons of people say that to me in an email. So I have to believe that as I blog to help those with loved ones in prison, there will be blessings…but I have to be patient.

That does not mean I have been perfect in my faith walk, not at all. Like I said, I have fallen many times, and the results of that have been me taking all my blogs offline. If you have only found my blogs in the last 6 months, you missed hundreds of other blogs I wrote, all of which I still have on my computer, and share as retros from time to time.

When or if it happens to you, when you feel like you are losing patience in your hope, just hang in there. Even if you fall down, tell yourself that this is just a phase, and you can get through it. You might feel down for a day, a week or even a month, but if you can just still believe that things can get better, then you give yourself a fighting chance to stay in the positive adjustment.

If you can do that, then not only would you be adapting to a better mode of believe with one in prison, you also put yourself in rare air to even change the situation from a negative one to a positive one…

After all, you DO believe that all things are possible with God, right?