Reflections on freedom from an ex felon.

It is just after midnight as I start this, but likely will be about 1am when I post this on my blogspot and myspace blogs. Today is officially the fourth of July, our Independence day. I sit here thinking about what I could contribute to it.

Since this is a prison blog, I need to see it through the eyes of a person that has been in prison, one that has been condemned. I want to try to compare my freedom as a US citizen to the freedom of one who did time in prison.

Maybe there are other people that might find some value in this, but I wanted to try to for myself. I cannot speak for any other inmate, nor will I even try. As I said before, we all did our time differently, because we are all different to begin with.

That said, I do have some reflections about my freedom. Before I get to that, I wanted to thank about 20 people that emailed me or pmed me from other prison support sites about my “Grades of Honor” projects. That was just the last couple of days, so I am optimistic about what I can share with you guys. If you are new to my blog, go back a few entries to catch up on what I offer my readers.

Now, how do I, an ex felon, feel about the freedom here in the US.

Well, overall I feel pretty good about it….

What, did you think I was going to bash my home country? Come on! I LIVE here, and my dad served in one of the wars. My two brothers were in the military, so I know the value of what an American is.

But we are NOT without some MAJOR flaws….

I personally think we may never win the race war…sometimes I think this country is too proudful to admit that we screwed up BIG TIME in refusing to see every person as equal. It just kinda seems we swept it under the rug, as if everything is ok…

But it isn’t. Are we truly independent when we are hostages to prejudice?

I look on tv and see the violence in other countries, some voicing their anger at our country. The average American citizen has done nothing wrong to other countries, but yet our government seems to want to put our corporate influence in every country we can get out hands on. For example, why in the hell is the NFL trying to get into China, when they just closed up NFL Europe?

Money.

Sometimes our country is so damned greedy that it is sickening…we just gotta own everything on the planet, don’t we? We are not happy unless we have a McDonalds in every corner of the planet, and a Wal-Mart in every country. Idiots.

“Ok, so what’s that got to do with inmates and prison?”

Well, the feelings I have are not so much different from what some guys think in prison. But these feelings may well be more subdued. I mean, a guy doing 20 years isn’t really thinking too much about what the other countries of the world is doing, unless it is war.

Did I ever think of worldly affairs while I was in prison…sometimes. And that is odd, because some of my more interesting classes I ever took in high school and college were history and US Politics. Those classes were very interesting to me, so much that I almost thought about going into politics or history as a major.

Then I wised up.

I realized that although the saying goes, “those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it” it really does not mean much. We end up repeating it anyway. Right now, as I type this, I am REALLY thinking if I really thought about world affairs while I was in prison…and I really think the answer is no.

Was it because I didn’t care…no, not really. It is almost the same reason why I didn’t think much about my family…because I had way too much stress to deal with by being in prison.

And yet maybe there was another reason. Inmates cannot engage in that real world, so the level of actual sympathy may be low. Not that the didn’t care, but more so that it didn’t really bother them since they are in prison. I mean, think about it. The price of gas means a lot to us all…but it may not mean a damn thing to inmates.

I mean, where are THEY going to go that needs gas? They are not paying for it anyway. The rest of the country can be in a panic, but in prison it really does not affect them directly (although indirectly it does, if their loved ones can’t travel to visit them).

The freedom you currently share is the complete opposite that he lives. And that independence is based on your way of life, the ability to live the way you want (within reason). In prison, this does not exist. Inmates have to go to bed at a certain time, the television is turned on at a certain time, you are not allowed to use the phone except at a certain time. Most of your movements are restricted to certain locations, and you are under watch by an officer.

It is…prison.

So what is freedom worth to me now, as an ex felon?

You want me to be real honest, or to tell you what you want to hear?

Before I answer, please understand what you are reading. This is NOT some blog of some bitter person who hates the world. This is NOT a blog about someone glorifying prison. This is NOT some blog about someone who is “boo hooing” about why I am not in Hawaii sipping on some cool drinks in a yacht.

This is me, front and center, and from the heart.

So how do I feel about my independence? Let’s define that first:

Independent: Not dependent on or controlled by another person or thing. This is according to my Oxford American Dictionary. And when you think about it, that is strange…as in inmate I was dependent on the prison system…how about that for an irony? The one place no one wants to be, yet they become totally dependent on that very same entity.

So let’s put some value on this, since we are on the Fourth of July. On a scale of 1-10, with a 10 being best, how do I rate my life after prison in regards to the freedom I now have?

I give it a 3.5.

“WHAT?????”

Yeah, that is what I give it. And let me tell you why:

If I said anything over 5, I would be a bold face liar to you, because by NO reason am I even close to the goals I want for myself. And you know some of you are gonna try to tell me that “well, at least you have your life” speech. No folks, it does not work that way.

Life itself is like a container, the container itself has an average value, but what you MAKE of life is where the worth comes in. Lots of people live miserably, even those with great health. No, life itself is not worth a perfect score, it is what you can accomplish in that life, whether helping others, or being something positive to leave this world in a slightly better way than you left it.

So why is this score so low? Because in the time I have been out of prison, since 2001, I have seen that there is so much potential to the person who believes in it, and at the same time there are some people out there that are not worth a damn to be around. Some of those folks come from the most ironic of places.

If you have a loved one in prison or near release, take heed in what I say before you share this with them. My intent is to be honest, yet still constructive. I don’t wanna leave you guys hanging, but I am not gonna lie to you either. Since my release in 2001 some of the WORST people to be around were those who called themselves “Christians” and those who are members at “prison support” groups.

And NO this is not all of them, but there are sure a hell of a lot of them. My first job out of prison was working for a “Christian” radio station as a DJ (radio announcer). If you know my writings you have read about this before.

The jerk of a pastor (yeah, I am being very strong here) paid me LESS than minimum wage; about $3 an hour and said “the Lord’s gonna bless you”. I actually have a B.S in Radio and Television, which I got before I went to prison. I was the only guy in the station with a college degree, and I had actually WORKED in that very same station a few years before when it was owned by another entity.

But I was underpaid, and when I tried to get fair pay, they fired me. I got the Department of Labor on their sorry butt and got my money, but it left a bad taste in who we call “Christians”.

The pastor of that station and church needed my help to do some production, and I foolishly agreed. A few days later I get a call from the local newspaper because they were doing a story on the me getting the state on the station to get my fair pay. They were going to write it as a good feel because after all I went through, I still went to help them when they needed it. But I didn’t know what else happened:

The “pastor” was called about the story and said, and I quote, “you can’t trust anything a felon says”.

Now, I didn’t know he said that, and while I was working in a grocery store, he came to visit me. I shoulda known something was up because as he told me before, “he only shops at Wal-Mart”. He came to see if we were ok, and not knowing anything, I said sure. Let by gones be by gones for all I care.

Then the newspaper came out…with our story on the front page.

The story was well written, and actually made me out to be a hero…but because that jerk told the newspaper that quote about not trusting a felon, they went with it. Embarrassed about what he said, he tried to get the newspaper to recant the statement, but they did not. The statement was in the paper, and it now exposed me as an ex felon, something I tried to keep private.

It cost me my job.

Management felt that it would be bad for business, so I had a choice…either quit or be fired. There is an even sadder part to this, but I can’t tell you…if you read some of my earlier writings, you probably know the cruelest blow of this situation.

At any rate, this so called “Christian” cost me not one, but TWO jobs. And at the time I was on probation, and needed a job to pay my restitution (another story that I have shared, and is heavy to tell too, although it has a miraculous ending).

Me being a felon is what I will forever be, but in my experience, I clearly saw that society and church may not agree, and will continue to pass judgment on you. It was very, very tough to see what was supposed to be right when I was a victim in trying to do right.

“Well, do you think that is karma catching up to you since you yourself went to prison?”

Actually, that is one of the dumbest ideas anyone can think of, since they don’t know me and my situation. Don’t ever ask me that.

During that time, I also started writing online, first for a couple of prison ministries, then a few prison sites. Things seemed to be doing pretty well until I started coming up on certain members that apparently felt that since their loved one is in prison, that makes THEM the absolute authority on prison issues…

(sigh)

In the time I have written, I have made lots and lots of friends who appreciate what I share, because it is coming from someone who was actually in prison. A person who could try to turn on some lights about what prison is like. I don’t know WHY I thought this would something we could all agree on.

Just like in life, there are people who really think they deserve more attention, there are people who are looking to say, “no you are not right”, just to make themselves look better. Granted there is a time an place for correction, but understand this; before you correct someone, make sure that what you are saying is right.

One of the first “debates” I had was with some idiot (yeah, I am mud slinging) who got on one of my posts, then pmed me to ask how long I was in prison. I didn’t think much of it, and told her. It so happened that her husband has been in longer than me, and on my next post she argued how anyone could believe me since I had not been in as long as her husband.

What the hell is that about?

I was pretty pissed because this idiot asked me a question, which I answered sincerely, then she used that info to try to discredit my posts. The problem escalated when I defended my statement and she turned it ugly. The site ended up taking my post off, and I was so pissed that I told the administrators that I was going to leave. As it turned out, the administrators told me that they didn’t want me to leave, in fact asked if I would be a moderator. I turned it down because simply put, I didn’t want it.

But as I wrote for other sites, I ran into the occasional idiot that felt that what I was sharing wasn’t valid enough for them. Some times I got me banned from a site or two. The last instance happened on (name withheld)  when two idiots jumped on my post arguing my post about work release…and the moderator jumped on ME about it and then locked my post.

Jerk.

I had about 5 or 6 people from that forum ask me if I was going to post on the NC forum again…not bloody likely since I see that three cackling hens aren’t worth a damn.

And about this time I had been working with a second “Christian” radio station (hey, we got 4 in my town…the irony). The General Manager of the station had passed way suddenly, and the employees there had nowhere to turn. They had no experience, since unfortunately the GM never taught them anything. So I stepped in and offered my experience.

Lots of you have read some of those posts, so it has been vaguely documented. For about 14 months I helped those people as best I could, because they had no training whatsoever. The owner lives in Washington DC, and owns like 6 or 7 radio station. When he came down, he assumed the two could run the station, so he made them co-managers.

I helped those people as best I could, most times not asking for any money because stupid me was doing the “Christian thing”. But the problem was that one manager had 16 years of being a DJ, but no leadership skills, and the other manager had NO experience whatsoever, but wanted to be the “top dog”.

The former person was a nice lady, but I now wonder if the better description is “weak hearted”. The other guy was a pure jerk…and says he is a deacon at his church. I have rarely seen anyone so lazy and refusing to work, but quick to tell folks that they can’t do this or that, even if he won’t do it himself. It just seemed that all he wants is the next paycheck.

The problem with that is that the nice lady was so weak willed that she always went with what he said, even when she knew it was wrong. She was under so much stress because she was doing all the work. She was also in very, VERY bad health, and I say that knowing that her health is failing her as we speak.

After all I tried to do to help them, she calls and tells me some things that force me to strongly consider leaving the station. I had really had enough of how it was running, and it just seemed that they were not looking to change, they were hoping things would magically get better. The station could get better with some elbow grease, but the managers were not willing to do anything to help it. As my professor once said, “I don’t want to stay on this Titanic”.

So I got off.

An ex felon like me ought to be happy just to be free, since prison was no joy. And in all truth I am. Heck, I have the freedom to write this blog, which by the way has taken me over an hour to write. I have the freedom to plug in my PS2 and play a video game. I have the freedom to go to the refrigerator and grab a soda or some snack.

I have my freedom.

I also have the trials and tribulations that come with it.

Life for an inmate is not easy after you leave prison. But life itself was never easy either. So am I complaining…sure. It’s my right to complain. Life isn’t gonna be easy for me because no matter what I do, there will always be a caution by some because of where I have been.

And all the things wrong with my world is why I put it at a 3.5. I might be just a tad generous with that. But let me tell you something, despite all that crap, I still wrote thousands of pages of prison issue documents. Why?

Because I have that freedom to do it. So I AM grateful for my freedom, but I am not content with it. I would love to sell thousands of “Grades of Honor” projects, and the cards, certificates and other documents that I have ready for people to order. I am looking at bettering myself so that I can continue to dream. Prison didn’t take away my desire to dream; I think only death can do that.

I have run across a lot of jerks since I have been out, and I certainly don’t want to paint myself with a halo around my head. But I don’t think God upstairs can look down and say that I didn’t try to help when I could, even at my loss. Not that I am trying to impress Him, since He can see through that. I did what I did because I cared.

But the potential for any ex felon is nearly unlimited…yeah, a 3.5 is a fair number, because it means there is MUCH that an ex felon can do. With freedom comes a lot of responsibility, and any inmate returning to society has to be aware of that.

Just as the American citizen’s freedom isn’t free, the ex felon’s returned freedom isn’t free either. I would say that it may even be more valuable than the average citizen, since he knows what it’s like to lose it.

I know the value of my freedom, and I also know the trials and tribulations that come with it. But if I can help it, I will be damned if I am going to just give up and accept the “ex felon lifestyle” that society seems to throw on these people. There is hope as long as there is life, and freedom creates that catalyst to that hope. If an ex felon can believe in that (and have some faith), then nothing is impossible.

So if I sell 100,000 copies of my projects and start writing chapters from a cruise ship off a laptop computer, you can tell folks that there is hope for any ex felon.

Heck, if I sell a hundred and buy me a new computer, you can tell them that the sky is the limit. Just make sure you tell them that when they return to society, there is not a person living that can stop them from their dreams…if they are willing to respect the freedom they now have.

Funny, my independence day came when I got out in 2001...and have been fighting for it ever since. But for every scar I got, there has been a smile, whether from an email or pm of a person who read my posts, to someone who helped me when I needed it.

It just reminds me that I am not fighting alone…none of us are. If we as a country would remember that, I think we will be ok.