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Here are a few thoughts from A Tale of two loves, seperated by bars and walls, time and distance. A story of hope, courage, and the power of love. Living life as an outmate, waiting for her inmate to come home.
This blog is being started as an outlet for myself, and hopefully others who are dealing with sharing a life with someone behind bars. My husband has been away for over 3 years. Lots of things have changed for us in those 3 years, our children are older, we as individuals have changed, and as a couple we are strangers. He has adjusted to life behind bars, and I have adjusted to being the head of a large family, as well as finding myself. I am hoping that through this blog, anyone who chooses to share their stories, opinions, or just to vent, do so in a non judgemental way. We all have our crosses to carry
in life, and only God can judge us.
On weekends, my hubby, Joe, can use the phone both days. So, this morning I got into the whole resentment thing with him again. Since I am going round and round with this inside my head. He did say that he was not throwing this in my face, that it is something that we are going to have to deal with.
This whole resentment thing, I am beginning to think that it is coming out of the fear I have about him coming home. Don't get me wrong, I want him home, I want him home NOW. However, with this comes all kinds of feelings. The obvious happy ones. The other one's are basically fear. Fear of him coming home, and wanting to take over. I am in the process of redoing my kitchen. I spoke to him about laying down a new floor--nothing fancy after all this is a rental. His reaction was "Well, why not hold off and see if they let me out and I will do it." I know it was said out of love, out of him wanting to help me, out of him wanting to be a part of this. However, MY reaction was "NO NO NO I will lay down MY kitchen floor--you can come home and clean it!"---not my nicest moment. All of the sudden I was in this place of "possession" as in, this is my house, I got us this house, we lost our home because of what he did, this is MINE! It was an ugly place for me to be. I am ashamed of being that way with him, of feeling that way in general. Yes, I worked my ass off to get us here, when he got arrested, we lost our home, we lived in a shelter for a little over a year before I was able to get us out. I get a little protective of what we have, because we already lost everything once, and I simply do not think I could survive that again. At the same time, this will be his home too. I do not want him to feel like he is not a part of this, that it will not be his also.
The things I am fearing--I am hoping that they are normal for someone in my shoes. I am afraid of him relapsing--although I know that his addiction is his battle, as mine is mine. I can not or will not be his crutch, nor do I want him to be mine. I am afraid of how he will cope with things here, with the way our dynamics have changes since he has been gone. Our children have grown up so much, our oldest was 12, she is now 16. That is a huge change. Our oldest son was 10, and a small 5', he is 13 now and 5'11. That is a big change also. And our son, he has not changed in only his height, he is a raging 13 year old boy--which I have no idea what the hell is going on with him at all--I swear that aliens have taken my boy!!
There is just so many things that I am fearful of, and I think that if I allow myself to think about them, my resentments grow. Does this make sense to anyone?? Or am I simply insane?? I have forgiven him for his choices that he made. It took me a long time to do that, but I did. Now to let go of these resentments seems to be the battle I am in now. I fooled myself into thinking that I dealt with them, however, I did not.
The kids and I are taking some time to regroup. We have somewhat fallen apart here. Not sure how, not sure when, it just happened. Z thinks he is old enough to parent himself--LOL. Noel acts like she is my equal-UGH. The little ones just hop along there merry way leaving little pieces of themselves ALL throughout the house.
We need some time to clean up, organize and become the team we are supposed to be. It will be done, slowly, day by day.
It will be a bit of a battle, with much resistance. However, it will be done.
We need to just find a way to get things back on track, and stay there.
Still no word from parole, still waiting......still hating waiting!!!
We are going to see my Joe on the 20th, which also is his birthday. Noel can't go, she has her PSSA testing that day. School comes first. Always. Zac will go, unwilling, but still going. Family comes first--not hanging out with friends.
That's it for now, off to do my 6th load of laundry--tonight!!!!!!!
Today I took off from work. I injured my back the other day, and it is very very sore today. Also, there is just so much to do, and not enough time to do it. So, I am taking today. Tomorrow is my Joe's birthday, and he really wants me to get a tattoo for him, so I am doing that. Nick and Maddie have their talent show at their after school program and a family kick ball game today. I am bringing all the kids there, to watch them play the game, and perform their talents. I wonder, will they make a mess and leave it?? LOL
STILL no word from parole, which is really killing me. I just want an answer. I really do. I NEED to know. I want to be able to have a day to look forward too, not just a round about time. All we do know is when he is released, it will be on a Sunday. Everyone who is going home, as in to a house with family, they all get released on Sundays. Which is an awesome thing, bc the kids will not know, and I am going to just go pick him up and bring him home. That will be awesome. This waiting is killing me, really killing me. I hate it. My nerves are shot, they truly are. I am finding myself snapping out on everyone--for no reason at all. Just stress. This time feels harder than the entire time we have done.
Tomorrow we are going to see him. I am talking to the kids about singing Happy Birthday as soon as he comes out the door. They are shy, apparently, but I am hoping they do it. He did that for me when I went to see him on my birthday. He even had the guards into it, which I am planning on doing the same thing for him! I feel like tomorrow will never come. I have been waiting for tomorrow for 2 weeks. It seems like I live for visits, every two weeks, I long for the visit. I miss him terribly, more so now than ever. I hate him being in there on his birthday, I always make the biggest deal on his birthday. He never had that as a child, so I make sure I make a huge fuss over him. After all, that is the best day ever, the day he came into this world, the day my love was born.
Well, that is all for now, time to start running my errands, and cleaning the house. Fun Fun!! The life of a mom is never ever done. Hope all is well out there for all of you!! I will be posting tomorrow after our visits, with pictures!!! Have a great weekend!!
Not that there ever really was, but now, I am just so sure that Joe is the one for me. Today's visit was great. He was so happy to see us, and it being his birthday, it just made this visit even better. God, I just love love love that man so much. We sat with the kids talking, they did not shut up for like 2 hours straight. It was great!! Ohhh also, he got that thing that was in his head removed. He did not tell me he was getting the surgery done! He said that he did not want me to panic, so he did not tell me. But, everything went fine, and he is doing great. The doctor said it was a "fatty deposit", and they got it all out. I laughed, saying now I can call him my "fat head" and really mean it. He thought it was funny, well, at least he laughed at it. I am glad it is out, and all is good with him, he was worried as I was.
He was talking with a buddy of his there, who told us that someone from state parole had to come in and go through the green sheets that were piling up. Apparently, the prison had gotten a bunch of guys parole papers in, and just sat on them. Nice huh? We both got excited thinking maybe his was/is one of them. We just have to do more waiting to see. Which we both hate.
We talked all about how his mom sent him a birthday card, and he was shocked at that. you all know how his family is, I have vented so many times on here about them. He was also happy that his brother sent me the gift card to get the tattoo. I now have "Forever Joe 3-20-02" on the back of my neck! He has wanted that for so long, even though I already have his name on my leg. It was important to him, so I did it. I just think, if it matters to him, then it matters to me. I like it. He likes it, so all is good. It hurts today. It didn't hurt getting done, but it does today. Funny huh??
He loved getting the letters from me last week. His prison is finally set up to receive letters online. It is great. I love it, I just write him, hit send, and he has it the next day. It is so easy. he loves how much I am writing him now. LOL.
Well, I really have to run now, and finish dinner for the kiddies. Everyone had such a great day, we are all re-connected as a family. Anxious for his homecoming. Have a great weekend. Ohh, the picture ticket machine ran out of tickets before we got there, so no pics to post this time. But, we will make sure to have them next time, unless of course he is released before the next visit. Oh yeah, lets all pray for that!! Thanks all!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, he was able to call home. God, I just can not explain it, when I answer, and I hear the beginning of the recorded message, "You have a call from...." And my baby always says "I love you Baby" instead of his name. As soon as I heard it, I just began crying. Lately, it is like I miss him more than I ever have. It feels as if I am having a hard time breathing without him, doing anything without him. I really hate this, this constant state of loneliness. Being here, trying so hard to raise our kids, work, maintain a house, doing all of this without him here, is just weighing on me now more than ever. Day in and day out, I face the same things alone.
But, tonight at least I got a phone call. Talking to him was great, feeling his love was exactly what I needed. I want more, as always. He has still not heard anything, and we are just hoping that he will be home by Christmas time. He keeps telling me that it will be ok, and they can't keep him forever, but ya know, it doesn't feel alright.
Right now, nothing feels alright. He is not here, my best friend and I are on a "break" (which we all know means no longer friends), my family is barely here, I am very much alone. Everyday, I stand alone. Although, it is not as bad as it could be, right? At least I have some light at the end of my tunnel, because someday, someday soon, Joe will be home.
Thursday, October 25, 2007 Why is this so wrong??? Why is it, when one decides to simply handle their lives on their own, people around them just cant handle it?? This is a theme with me anymore. People in my life are simply getting angry at me, being very ignorant to me, because I am choosing to keep what is going on with me to myself. EVEN when I tell them that I understand their concern, but I am OK, I am simply doing this one on my own. Why is that so wrong? Why am I not entitled to do things my way, after all, isn't it my life?? What the hell? Then, somehow, I am the bad one, I am the wrong one?? Please, someone enlighten me. This is really getting me very upset, because with me, if someone in my life is going through something, and they chose not to tell me, then I just figure that when they are ready--then they will. Kind of a need to know basis. I mean no disrespect by this at all, I am simply speaking my mind. Does this make me selfish, to want to handle my problems, my feelings, my things, on my own, in my own way, on my own time? Today was a really tough day for me, it has nothing to do with Joe, it is just something I am going through. All day, people at work kept asking me what was up, and my answer of "I am just going through some things, don't really want to talk about it" was fine with them. BUT, my "friends and family", oh no, it is just not good enough. When someone says to you, I don't want to talk about it--why the hell would you ask "Why? Whats going on?" Ummmm, didn't I just say I don't want to talk about it?? It is basic. With me, it is that simple. Accept my answer, give me the space I am entitled to. I am not being mean, or anything. I just want to deal with things on my own. I try so hard to pick and chose my battles in life, and this is one I am just done battling. I am getting to the point of "I just don't give a *** anymore" I am tired of having to explain things to people, all the time, with everything. My life is just that, mine. I owe no one any explanations. I should not have to explain why I chose not to talk about things. I am feeling like these people are the selfish one's, I feel like screaming to them, "This is not about you! Just let this be!!" God, is being a friend so hard? To let me deal with things, is it really that hard to do??? Thursday, October 25, 2007 Why is this so wrong??? Why is it, when one decides to simply handle their lives on their own, people around them just cant handle it?? This is a theme with me anymore. People in my life are simply getting angry at me, being very ignorant to me, because I am choosing to keep what is going on with me to myself. EVEN when I tell them that I understand their concern, but I am OK, I am simply doing this one on my own. Why is that so wrong? Why am I not entitled to do things my way, after all, isn't it my life?? What the hell? Then, somehow, I am the bad one, I am the wrong one?? Please, someone enlighten me. This is really getting me very upset, because with me, if someone in my life is going through something, and they chose not to tell me, then I just figure that when they are ready--then they will. Kind of a need to know basis. I mean no disrespect by this at all, I am simply speaking my mind. Does this make me selfish, to want to handle my problems, my feelings, my things, on my own, in my own way, on my own time? Today was a really tough day for me, it has nothing to do with Joe, it is just something I am going through. All day, people at work kept asking me what was up, and my answer of "I am just going through some things, don't really want to talk about it" was fine with them. BUT, my "friends and family", oh no, it is just not good enough. When someone says to you, I don't want to talk about it--why the hell would you ask "Why? Whats going on?" Ummmm, didn't I just say I don't want to talk about it?? It is basic. With me, it is that simple. Accept my answer, give me the space I am entitled to. I am not being mean, or anything. I just want to deal with things on my own. I try so hard to pick and chose my battles in life, and this is one I am just done battling. I am getting to the point of "I just don't give a *** anymore" I am tired of having to explain things to people, all the time, with everything. My life is just that, mine. I owe no one any explanations. I should not have to explain why I chose not to talk about things. I am feeling like these people are the selfish one's, I feel like screaming to them, "This is not about you! Just let this be!!" God, is being a friend so hard? To let me deal with things, is it really that hard to do???
 
Sometimes, I look at her, and am in awe. She is growing into a remarkable woman, one I am proud to not only call my daughter, but my friend. She is a beautiful young woman, with a soul to match. She is growing up, and after next year, she will be off to college. I am not sure where the time went. It seems like only yesterday we were taking the picture of her sitting in her little seat, at 3 days old. She was so alert as a baby, always looking around, absorbing everything. She had my undivided attention, she was the center of my world. I never left her side, I was devoted to her. I fell in love the first second I laid eyes on her, and it has never stopped. I am trying to accept that she is growing up, and will soon be off to college. That is something that is hard for me, but I will learn to handle it. There are times, I simply can not believe that she is mine. And I can not believe I have 4 other wonderful people that are mine also. I am blessed.
Tomorrow is the big night, SUGAR HIGH BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids are so excited. Maddie is being a 50's girl, Nick is a Ninja, Tricia is a witch, Zac is this one eyed monster guy, Noel is a pirate. I am not sure what Matt is being, he is coming here to go around with Noel and her best friend Jade. I am also excited, but it would be so much better if My Joe were able to be here. Still nothing. Oh wait, I did call parole, and the woman said a decision has been reached, but she is not able to tell me what it is. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can u believe that?? I was like, I am his wife, his home plan is here with me, why can't you just tell me?? But, she said that rules are rules. It sucks. I am finding each day that passes harder and harder. I am beyond missing him, I am just beyond all of it.
This time, it is taking forever to pass. The days between visits go so slow, then visit day comes, and it goes by so quick. I spoke to him on Saturday, which was insane. I was on here, typing him a letter, and in it I was asking him if he could feel how much I miss him, and that SECOND he called me. INSANE OR WHAT?? We are just so in sync with each other, it is like we feel what the other one feels. I love that about us, I love everything about us. I have been writing him everyday, and he just loves that. He is so happy to get the letters, full of my expressions of love for him, reminding him that no matter what, they can not tear us apart. Nothing ever will, No one ever could. He is simply my everything, and I don't want it any other way. No man can bring me the happiness that he does, no matter where we are at, he makes me happy.
Well, I will post some pics of Halloween, it should be so much fun. The little guys are soo excited, I wish that I could post the giggles from them on here!!!!! Have a safe and happy Halloween all!!
TODAY'S QUOTE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
I'm going to send that one to my Joe. God, I love that man.
Today just rocked!!! Well, most of it did. Nick is still not feeling well, and we had plans to meet my mom and sister at the Apple Festival. So, Zac (wanting to watch football anyway) said he would stay home with him. Zac cleaned his room----REALLY CLEANED IT!!! Nick rested all day, talking with his big brother.
The girls, Matt, and I all went to meet my mom and sis. We had the best day ever. We got all their faces done in character, Maddie got her face painted, we got balloons made into cool animals, had an incredible breakfast/lunch, and laughed so much. My mom was getting tired, so her and my sis left, but the kids and I stayed. Boy, am I glad we did. We must have walked like 20 miles today. We went in every store, hit all the tents outside, bought some books for the little guys, watched the funniest puppet show, had the best hot chocolate and funnel cake ever! We just were talking and talking, I mean, really talking. My kids are just so awesome. We were laughing so much, and just bonding the way we needed too. It was a wonderful family day, and was just what I needed. It really is great when you are with the people who matter the most, and you all have a great time.
It was just so wonderful, I can't say enough about it. Noel and I were going into lots of stores, getting tons if idea's for things we want to get for the house when Joe is home. She also suggested once we get all caught up on things, we take one of his checks and go back to do some serious clothes shopping. Noel hates wearing what everyone else does, she always dresses somewhat differently, and she can get clothes that not everyone will wear. They are a bit more expensive up there, but she is well worth it. We hit a great sale, and got Tricia a new pair of sneakers that were $69.00---on sale for $10.00!!!! She is so happy. We all are so happy! Just the way a family is meant to be.
Hope everyone had a great weekend. I know we all did.
It is finally here. He was granted parole. He will be home in around 5 weeks. Maybe sooner, all he has to do is get his urine tested again, then they send the results to Harrisburg, then they ok it, send it back to the prison, and he is outta there.
My baby is finally going t0 be home. Home. He will be with us. This 4 year nightmare is almost done, we are almost finished with all this ***. We survived, we made it. So many people out there doubted us, doubted our love, but here we are-----4 years later, still so much in love, still wanting to be with each other, still thanking God for the wonderful family we have. He is coming home people---HE IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so happy, so ecstatic, so full of every emotion there is. Our lives can finally begin. This is just the greatest thing to ever happen to us. And, he will be home in time for Christmas. Now, who needs presents when we have our daddy back??? The kids are so happy. That is all we are telling, we are not telling anyone else. He doesn't want anyone else to know yet. I am not telling the younger one's the day yet, I am just going to get up early, and be at the prison at 6:30 am like he said, and we will come home and surprise the kids.
I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling. I feel so much. So many things. I have never been happier than I am now. My Joe, My baby is coming home to me. He is going to be here, making my house a home. Back with us, where he belongs. The kids will have their daddy back, I will get my hubby back, my love, my soul mate, my best friend. Nothing could be better than this. This will be over soon, he is finally coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God, we will be back where we belong---together. Getting the chance we deserve, as a friend of mine put it, to live happily ever after.
One day closer to him coming home. I can't even believe it is only 4 or 5 weeks away. He called me tonight, and is getting his urine tomorrow, so we are probably looking at 4 weeks. That is so unreal to me. God, 4 years we have been apart, we are finally going to be back where we are meant to be. He is excited, anxious, and everything in between. I have off of work Monday, and the kids have school, so I am going up for an alone visit. We need that. There is just so much we need to talk about, and we need it to be only the two of us. Not quite sure how I am swinging that, being I am practically broke now, since some unexpected things came up this weekend on the financial end, but I will work it somehow. I simply have to go, inside of myself, I have to go. I will find a way, I always do.
We had a great talk tonight, all about the kids, Christmas, and us being together again. We spoke briefly about all the crap with my "best friend", which My Joe has just pulled me through. He made me realize so much, that I really didn't see, I guess because I was in the middle of it. He has a way of seeing things, that I just don't catch. So, now I am feeling so much better about the whole deal with us not being friends anymore. I know it is the best thing to do, and it is the best thing to do for me, which was the one person I was not thinking about with this whole thing. Joe has been a rock for me with this, as I was heart broken , but like I said, he pointed out so many things that I just did not see or think of, and I am so glad he did. He knows me so well, better than anyone else has ever known me, he knows me inside and out, and everything he said was defiantly right on with me. I am just happy he spoke up, and told me his feelings, because that shows me how much we mean to him, to be so open with me, and I felt as if he respected me enough to tell me his honest opinion--weather I liked it or not, which is exactly what I love about that man (hell, what don't I love about him??). With Joe, I never will regret letting him all the way "in" with me. I have told him 1000% of my life, all my secrets, every single one, he knows it all, and I know I can trust him with it. As he can me. Not everyone can be trusted that way, and I have a tendency to trust the wrong people, but, I still will do this, as I can not go through life without people, friends, no matter how long they last.
So, most importantly, our children are simply ecstatic about daddy coming home. Tricia is telling everyone. Nick and Maddie are not, I don't think they can comprehend it. They don't remember him living with us at all, they were both babies when he got locked up. They are just like, "Oh, ok, cool, daddy is coming home in a few weeks. Hmm. Will he play games with us? Will he tuck us in at night? Will he read to us, will he do this and that" They will be blown away I think, when it actually happens. Although, I am wondering, will it even phase them, like, he was never gone? Our children are very lucky in the aspect of being secure with both of us. They know they can trust us, and that I will always be here to take care of them. They just kind of go with whatever I say, and trust what I say. I am very lucky with that, as they are lucky to feel that way. I remember as a child, I trusted nothing my father said, I questioned everything and fought every change that would go on. Mine do not. They are so resilient to things, and I know we will all adjust to this wonderful change. Noel is even excited. Zac is also. He won his game today, but is really hurting tonight, so he is staying home tomorrow. He needs to rest his body, he really played hard today, and did not get one minute off the field. He played offense and defense, which to me is just too much on a 14 year old. Their last game is Monday, against their arch rivals, so I have to make sure to be back from visits in time to go--Zac really wants me there. He was looking at me, gave me this sly smile, and goes "yeah, bring dad too" I WISH!! He just sat there, and said, "I cant wait to play next year with you and dad in the stands, cheering me on, and I cant wait for all my friends to meet dad, and to work out with dad, and to just have dad home." That was awesome, Zac really needs his dad here. Being a 14 yr old boy, in a house with mostly girls, and the only other boy being my 6 yr old Nick---who is my shadow! He is craving his dad, and finally Zac will have him. We all will have him. Thank God, Thank God so much!!
I am simply beside myself with emotions. I can not explain them, or even begin to sort through them. All I know is I have never felt happier, or more full filled than I do now. I have not felt that every aspect in my life (meaning the people, family) is exactly as it should be. Now I do feel that way, I have my amazing soul mate coming home to me, 5 beautiful children who love us, what else could I possibly want or need?? Life is finally looking good, things are turning around for us, and we are all so excited for life to begin again!! I feel as if my heart is going to just explode!!! I am so full of love!!! How awesome is that??????
Monday, November 12, 2007 Babbling, Rambling, Venting, etc..... I woke up this morning with my Nick in my bed, he seems to be ending up with me more and more lately. He is a Mommy's boy, which I just love. Although, I was having a dream that Joe was home, and I was cuddling with Nick, I just had to laugh at myself. Joe called last night, and I explained the situation at home, and that I am not able to come up. He was great, he totally understood. I started to get upset, tearing up. This is something that is new to me, I have been very emotional lately, crying over everything, and let me just say, I am NOT a cryer by any means. Not sure what that is all about, or how to handle this. Anyway, he kept saying for me to just relax, this is almost done, and soon enough we will be together everyday. I know he is right, and last night I was talking to a close friend of mine, and was telling him that I can not wait to be sick of him!! I really can't. There are so many things I am so excited for, things I am waiting for. I am actually waiting for him to not take the trash out, and for me to yell at him. I do love a good argument. Not a drag out fight, but a good argument is always good. LOL He said the same thing, which is cool that we are on the same page! Its a sick page, but the same page none the less. Lately, all I can think about is him coming home. I seem to be stuck there. I told myself I would never again "put all my eggs in one basket", yet, I am doing just that. I am feeling like this blog, is the only place I can be totally honest about my feelings. People in my life just don't understand what I am going through, so they are not really willing to just sit and listen to me go on and on about this, flip flopping all over the place, not making any sense, being all emotional. I had someone for that, but as I have stated before, she is gone now. Today I miss her, I really do. My children miss her. She was the one person who really "got" me, as I "got" her. So many times, we would have these conversations that if anyone overheard they would think we were two insane women, but to us, they made sense. Together we made sense. But, again, this is for the best, so I have to just trust that. I know I will get through this. And, I do have this blog, and writing helps me so much. My mother in law called me at like 7 this morning, crying again. She has been leaning on me quite often lately, telling me over and over again how strong I am, and I am all she has. Now, being no one in that family knows about this blog, I can be honest, I really do not like that woman at all. I love her for being my Joe's mother, but as far as a mom goes, she sucks. I am understanding and sympathetic to the fact that she does have tons on her plate right now, and mentally is just not prepared to handle all of this, and they have her on some really heavy duty meds. I listen to her go on and on about T, Joe, taking care of her mother (that's a mess and another post one day), bills, her grand kids, all of it. I get so angry when she speaks of Joe, acting like she has been there for him all this time, like she has been there AT ALL FOR HIM. It really upsets me. But, again, I hold my tongue. I just tell her I will take care of Joe, and she has no reason to worry about him, let me worry for the both of us. She just cries more telling me she doesn't know what she would do without me. She has been begging me lately to move closer to her, which I REFUSE TO DO. My children are so secure here, they go to great schools, have wonderful friends, and they are very very happy up here. If we move, oh god, that will be a disaster for all of us. First of all, she lives near my mom and sister, which says it all right there. Second, Joe has too many bad memories of that area, and they tell us-- people, PLACES, things. Then, there is the school district there, which is not the best, the sports are not good there, there is nothing for us there, our lives are up here. I love it, they love it, Joe will love it too. This place is our home, a fresh start for our family. I have to put us first, not what our extended family wants or needs. We are only like 40 minutes away anyway, and we drive down there all the time. She really cant come up here, because of caring for her mother, and grand mom will not come up here. See, if she does, she would actually have to move, which apparently is something she refuses to do, and she knows with me, I wont accept that bullshit from her, I make her move. I am not being mean, she needs to do this, she is simply laying all day, not doing a thing for herself, my mother in law is doing everything for her, and my mother in law is about 90 lbs soaking wet, while grand mom is about 180, and dead weight. My mother in law is now battling pain on top of the stress, and with her meds, she is limited on what they can give her for it. She is in a tough spot right now, and there is really nothing I can do but listen. I am happy she feels that she can talk to me, however, this also puts so much more stress on me. Not that I am under any stress now--that is a joke. My mother in law thinks I can handle anything. I try, but as I said, lately I am just stuck on Joe coming home. The kids and I have been talking and talking about that. Maddie is excited, she said her friend at school told her that Daddy's say yes to everything, and since all Daddy's are the same, her Daddy will let her do whatever she wants. LOL. Kids are funny. I am sure for a while, he will be the "yes man" and I will be the bad guy. I am used to that, I am always the bad guy now. Which is a role I am quite good at--is that bad or good hmmmmm?? Nick just wants to play with his dad, and lay next to him at night. Nick loves to cuddle. Ever since we had him, Joe was always bring him in bed with us, all the time. Joe loved to lay with Nick, the two of them were inseparable, Nick was defiantly his daddy's boy. Now, he is my boy, his mommy's boy. Joe doesn't like that too much, saying he needs to make a boy out of him. HA!! My Nick is exactly like his daddy, Joe is a sensitive person, he just hides it from everyone else. I find that one quite funny, Nick is all boy, he is just young, he has his whole life to act like a tough guy, I am letting him be exactly as he is, no one is going to change him at all. Zac was talking about Joe last night, saying Finally he has someone to really play football with (I am no longer good enough), and joking he says, he will have someone to rough up. I can't wait to see that one. We will all just laugh and laugh at that. Zac and Joe would always wrestle and stuff before, but now, Zac is so big, it will be funny to watch. Tricia is just excited. She says, she doesn't care what happens, what we do, as long as her daddy is here with her. Noel is being quiet. I think she is more nervous about things, especially with Matt. Joe is not to keen about Noel and Matt being so close, it is hard for him. I mean, he is a dad, and really, this is just so new for him. Noel was 12 when he got locked up, she is almost 17 now. That is a huge change, she has grown up. He remembers this little girl who followed him everywhere, and loved everything he loved. Now, she is a full blown teenager, who is just head over heels in love with her boyfriend, and her life revolves around him. She is just not sure how things will go with that whole situation. I keep telling her, it is an adjustment for all of us, and we will get through this together, as we get through everything else life gives us. I also think as a way of protecting herself, she is not letting on to how excited she is. Joe and Noel have come such a long way in their relationship. They are talking again, getting to know each other. Noel is just afraid that he will mess things up here, and I totally understand that. She is just like me. 100%, Noel is a mini-me. She worries like me, and hides it like me, she accepts things like me, and hurts on the inside like me. She loves like me, and fears like me at the same time. At least she is talking a little bit to me, which is all I can ask for. I plan on talking to her some more today, since we will have some time alone today. She gets home first, and we are picking the kids up from school together so we can all go to Zac's last game. His grandfathers are coming up for it also. We are really excited to go to this game, they are playing their arch rivals today, and Zac is just so excited. He went to bed at like 7 last night. He rested all day long, saying over and over again, "Mom, I can NOT rake leaves today. I have to rest my body, our biggest game is tomorrow." That boy, he just loves his football. He is sad that it is over. Middle schools have such a short season. He is already talking about next year, running through the tunnel with all the high school guys, hearing them announce his name. Next year is the Friday night games, which are just the best games ever. We love them, all of us do. And next year, his dad will be there, which is something Zac is dying for. It will be great. Unless, Zac does his touchdown pound to his dad instead of me, then we will definitely have to talk. Ok, I have stalled cleaning long enough. Time to start the day, laundry to do, dishes to do, major dusting and cleaning of floors to do today on my day off. FUN FUN!! Thanks for listening to me ramble on, and not make a lot of sense, I needed this. Have a wonderful Monday, I will post about the game tonight, hopefully with some pics of my star player!!
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I don't know what is wrong with me today, but I forgot the best part of the phone call. I have written before how my baby loves to sing to me, and honestly, he has this amazing voice. He truly does, everyone says it, not just me. Anyway, My Baby, who hates country music, sang to me tonight, Josh Turner's Would you go with me?? OHHH EMMM GEEEE!!! I was dying. He sounded so great, so awesome. He's there, belting this out, in prison mind you, and I swear, I was just covered in goosebumps. He is the sweetest man I know, and how lucky, he is mine!! Anyway, for those of you that don't know that song, here are the lyrics, read them, they are great. As for My Man, he is getting a cowboy hat when he gets home, weather he likes it or not!! (wink-wink) (insert huge smile here)
Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down
Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the seaLet me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me
[Instrumental]
Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me
So, I thought we were out of calls, turns out we weren't. We had one left!! He called me tonight, and I was so happy to hear from him. I miss my baby so much. I just want him home, like, now!! Of course.
We were talking about when he gets home, with working and all. Which was funny cause we were talking about that at work today too!! He wants me to go where I used to work, because I can make what I make in two weeks, in one week there, and only work 3 nights a week. The money is really good, and it will give me more time for the kids. Besides, I am planning to go and register for my LPN once he is home and working full time. I have wanted this, and he knows this, and with him here, I can do it. I just need him here, to help with the kids and stuff. Another thing about this job is it is 3rd shift, with a lot of down time, so I can study there.
The bad thing, leaving where I am at now. I just love where I work, I love the people I work with, I love the people I take care of. I hate the thought of leaving. I really do. I wish there was a way I could do all the things I want to do, and not have to leave them. I am very lucky to have the support I have at my job now, my boss is great, he really is great to me. He is very understanding with my situation, and never gets on me about missing days because of the kids, or anything that I have to take care of. And, if something is going on, I can talk to him, and he is good about keeping things between us, and not spreading anything around work. Leaving will really suck, and I have to prepare myself for it. Especially with the people in my room. I could never just up and leave them, they are like my family. I am with them all day, 5 days a week, for 2 years now--YES 2 YEARS TOMORROW!! Happy Anniversary to me!! My boss was talking to me about that today. See, when I first started there, there were 3 of us who everyone got confused, and we all took a picture together and wrote on it that we were his girls. Well, he said "So, you are the only one of my girls left" That hit me hard, I don't want to leave. I know it is just emotional stuff, and I really have to think of the best thing for my family and do that. It is just difficult to do that when I am so attached to the people there.
I guess we will just cross that bridge when we get there. No use worrying about it now. I need to focus getting my transcripts, and taking the placement test, which I believe is really soon--according to my friend at work who is taking me on as her personal mission! LOL
Ok, well, time to go. Noel made cake for desert, and I seriously need some of that. Have a great night all!!
Oh yeah, Zac lost his game, 8-0, although he played great. Made some wonderful passes, and some great tackles. I forgot the camera though. It was fun for them, he got to play against some of the boys he used to play with when he was on the township team. In Midget ball. He enjoyed catching up with them, and talking about how next year they will be the team to beat, when they all join together in high school. Oh man, he is going to be in High School. UGH!! On that note--night all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To Wonder, is a dangerous thing. By definition, it is to think or speculate curiously. As an addict, we are told that we can not control our past, and not to dwell on that. Not to wonder about all the what ifs in life. As adults, many of us are taught, this is life, take it or leave it, stop wondering about what would have happened if only..... Basically, we are not really "supposed" to wonder about anything.
When this whole ordeal started, 4 long years ago, I forced myself to not wonder. For me, it was a curse to indulge those thoughts. I was left in tears, sobbing uncontrollably if I started to wonder about my life, his life, our lives. If I began to wonder about all the things I did wrong, all the nights of trusting him when I knew full well something was up, then I was left depressed. So many nights, days, weeks, months, I was just stuck in my depression. I felt stupid, felt betrayed, and then I was left to just sit and wonder.....
Now, he is almost home. Again, I can't help but go back to the good ol' wonder. I am constantly thinking of all the what ifs, all the things I realistically should not be thinking about, all the things i know I can not control. But alas, I can not seem to stop. Imagination is something I long to hold on to, that so many of us as adults tend to lose because we "grew up". I am imagining all of these things, some good, some bad. I can not make sense of them, or stop them. I try to think positive, and stay in the now of this, but it just feels like I have been frozen all this time, and now, it is time for life to start again, but how?
Here come the "what ifs". What if he doesn't like me, what if I don't like him, what if he relapses, what if I do, what if he can't handle life outside, what if he gets all "controlly" of me, what if he wants me all to himself all the time and I just need a break, what if the resentments come back, what if we forget to forgive, what if the kids aren't happy, what if this, what if that.
I know I can not think all these things, or shouldn't think them, yet at times, this is where I am. I am in love with this man, and I know in my heart of hearts things will work. I know this. I feel this. I believe this. Then why am I wondering so much?? How do these thoughts keep coming up, and why am I allowing myself for that brief moment to feel doubt and uncertainty when he is the only thing I am certain of?? I guess all I can do is sit, try to find the answers, and wonder some more.
I was supposed to pick up a co-worker of mine today, her engine went on her car. So, we all get ready, and out the door. Oh wait, my van is dead. The alternator went. So, my mom was going to come up to help me, but oh wait, her battery died!!!
Today has just sucked the damn life out of me. I have no money, literally none. Now this. Don't have a clue how we will eat for the next two weeks, let alone anything else. I was so happy yesterday, last night, hearing My Baby's voice, singing to me. Now, I am just ready to give the hell up and run away.
I mean, I have an umbrella, but it is full of holes. God, help me somehow.
Thursday, I had back to back parent teacher conferences. Ya know, being back at school, I always feel like I am in trouble. I was very pleased to talk to Maddie's teacher, she was Nick's teacher last year, and she is wonderful. Maddie has mastered all of the goals for kindergarten this year already. She is doing wonderfully, and is a joy to have. I knew Maddie's would go good, she is a good girl in school. Tricia's teacher was an airhead. I was not impressed with her at all. At one point, while talking about her writing, her teacher was like "Yeah, I was soooooo bumbed" I just sat there, like, you did not just say that. Tricia is right on target, she just needs to stop talking so much, and focus. She is 10! This is normal. Zac's teachers all said the same thing, he is so laid back, a little too laid back. That is my Zac. Hanging back, being quiet, got you thinking he is not paying attention when in reality he is. He is doing good, but with some effort, any effort he could be a "b" student.
Now came Nick's. The one I was secretly dreading. Nick is just so, ummmmm, active. He is on a behavior plan, and I was just waiting for her to start on him. See what happens when you think the worse? Turns out, his teacher ROCKS! She is just awesome! She really gets my Nick. Well, brace yourself--My Nick is gifted!! He has mastered every 1st grade goal. In reading they are working towards a level "B", Nick has been at a level "C" for two weeks now, moving up to a level "D" next week. Level "D" is 3rd grade! 3rd grade people!!! He is only in 1st!! He is a whiz at numbers too! He is working on the second grade goals now, because it took him the first marking period to do all this years goals! His behaviours are because he is bored. The teacher said, most gifted boys have ADHD, and they show signs of classic over-achiever. That is my Nick through and through. He is always up and moving, trying to help everyone, helping too much, to where the other kids get mad. It is done from his heart, not out of malice at all. He is a love bug, very emotional boy, wearing his heart on his sleeve. It shows big time at school. His teacher told me if he continues at this rate, they are moving him to 2nd grade after he next report card. The only thing holding him back is his behaviour. He is a typical 6yr old boy, very hyper, really, all boy. She is not sure he can handle the atmosphere of the older grades. So, we are going to wait and see how he does handling the work load first, before we move him up. I am just so excited for him, and so proud of him. My smile just won't go away. Nick, gifted. I can't believe it. I really can't. What a great night, what a great little boy I have. I am blessed, 5 fold!!
Scout got me----Here are the rules, word for word from her blog:
* Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
* Post these rules on your blog.
* List seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery. (This is where I’m changing it to seven things I’m grateful to have learned in recovery.)
* Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
* Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog
Lets play now, whadda you say....................
1) I am grateful to learn that being an addict is ok. That my being an addict does not define me, nor do the actions I took during my addiction. I always thought that my being an addict, somehow made me less of a person in a way. I thought that the things I have done, the things I had thought, were the real me, when in reality, they were not. I know that I am ok, and being an addict is ok too. The stigma for me is gone, which I am truly grateful for.
2) Like Scout, step two is a biggie for me. Being the personal control freak that I am, giving this disease up to God (as I see her), and allowing God to take this burden from me has saved my life. I always had a faith in God, but not until being clean, did I truly turn my life over to her, and allow the help that has been given to me. It is a wonderful thing.
3) I am grateful that I was taught how to take a REAL inventory of myself, and my life. I had no idea what I was doing in life before, I was basically wandering around, aimless, trying to make sense of things. When I learned how to do this, I saw what was real, and was able to straighten so many things out.
4) In recovery, I learned the true meaning of love. I was finally able to truly love myself, which allowed me to find the real love we crave in life. I don't think I would have been open to this love, when I was using. Hell, I know that. Recovery has given me the ability to love and receive love in ways I never imagined possible. Ways I could never have experienced while using.
5) I am grateful to have found acceptance. Acceptance for all things, for people, for life in general. It is amazing to me, thinking back as well as knowing people who are still active in their addiction, how unwilling to accept things we/they are. Excuses run rampant, denial is profound, and general downing of things. I am so grateful for the acceptance I have now. Also, in meetings, the acceptance I feel there, speaking freely, having the ability to let out my secrets, the things I was once ashamed of, and to feel accepted by other addicts, knowing that they truly do understand is indescribable.
6) I am grateful to have fear taken from me. I am no longer scared of things as I once was. It is almost like, my recovery is the light that is constantly on in a dark world.
7) I am blessed to have learned how to forgive, and how to ask for forgiveness. That is a lesson that I will always be using, as well as teaching those around me.
Ok, there is 7 things. Although, I think I just listed 7 things I am grateful to have though recovery, not necessarily learned. Oh, well, I played. Now, for the people I am asking to play with us...................
I am in a funk. A yucky, dont want to get out of bed, hair a mess, house a mess, not very good funk. Thanksgiving was ok, was at my in laws. Food was ok, not great, but ok. Conversation was good, lots of talk about Joe, which I think started this funk.
I tend to get lost in talks of him. I feel myself getting all excited for his return, all giddy inside. Then I come home, and again go to sleep and wake up alone. That starts this. This empty pit grows some more. And more.
I am sick of talking about him coming home, I really am. Don't people understand that? Talking about all the wonderful things he will do, that only makes this worse on me. I lose sight of what is real, and what is not with this. I find myself thinking all kinds of things. I mean, am I being unrealistic here?? Everyone talks about how the house can get fixed up, and what he will do. As if, when he gets out, he is handed some cape to come and save the day! Excuse me, but HE HAS BEEN IN PRISON!! Not some super hero training camp for 4 years!! People say that life will go back to normal--ummm was our life normal before he got locked up? NOPE! It was full of secrets and lies. Dont really want that life back. I want to start over, to just begin again. I dont know what life will be like when he is home, but I just know I want him home. The more the days pass, the more anxious I get. I get angry, angry that the call hasnt come. Angry at these damn parole people taking their sweet ass time with my husband. Angry that no one cares. How can people be so cold? Dont they realize, he has 5 children that are growing up without him? Dont they care that child molesters, ones that re-offend serve less time than he has? Why are they so eager to let them out, but not my Joe? Here I go, feeling sorry for myself. Its all part of the funk. It happens this way sometimes.
I know I am in it, yet I am stuck here. I miss him. I know I can go and visit him this weekend, but really, I dont want to visit him in prison again. I dont want to walk through a metal detector, I dont want my children to have to go there again! I just want to pick him up, and bring him home. That is the only time I want to go there. 4 years, 4 years of bullshit visits, guards that think they rule you, metal detectors, barbed wire. I am fed up with all of it. I hate it. I hate the jumpers they wear, I hate the other prisoners in the room, the cameras all over, the guards watching us all the time. I just hate this. I am tired of it. I want this to end. Now. Please.
I am still here, and he is still there. We have not been able to visit in a while, the van was broken down again, and with the holidays coming, lets just say my money tree is dead. It sucks, it really does.
My funk is still here, as I am just so stuck in my feelings of anger, resentment, and simply running out of patience. I hate that all of this is out of my control, I am struggling with that. He is also. We are both going through it--so to speak. He heard that they usually let a lot of people go between the 1st and the 15th, so maybe he will be one of them. I should have known better than to allow my hopes to get up, but it happened. Only to be let down, hard. I am feeling like he will never get home at this point. My temper is so short, my patience are simply gone. My understanding is running out. I am helpless in this entire situation, and that is something I am just not used to being. I have always found a way to cope with things, to deal with different situations, but this time around, I am just tired of doing it.
I am honestly, just so angry. I want to scream--and I do. A lot. I also cry a lot, which as you all know, I hate crying. He called me the other day, and I told him about Turkey day, and how I hated everyone talking about things. He did not understand why that would bother me. I tried to explain to him nicely, but then I just lost it, screaming and crying to him "When we all sit around and talk about you, I feel great. THEN we leave. I get in the van alone, drive home alone, put the kids to bed alone, go to bed myself, and get up alone. DO YOU GET IT NOW?" Oh yeah, and I think I called him a few names in there also. I really did not mean to do that. Anyway, then I get this letter from him, telling me that he has been waiting for me to let loose on him, and that while I am good at acting like I am ok, he wants me to let him know how I really feel. UGH!! I don't want to tell him all of that. I don't want him worrying about my moods, about how I am coping. He says I am not coping at all, I am now apparently, letting the time do me instead of me doing the time. Whatever that means.
I allowed myself to get happy, to really let it all in, to let my walls totally down, and now, he is not home. It is looking like he may not be home by Christmas. How can I tell my kids he is not going to be here again?? How can I get through another Christmas with out him?? How can I get through another damn week without him??
It is like I am digressing. Back to 4 years ago, when this all started. All those feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, just awful feelings, they are all here again, front and center. I worked so hard to learn how to live without him, to do it all by myself. Now, I feel like I just can not go on without him. I am having these horrible dreams, where he calls me and tells me to pick him up, then something happens and he dies. I have them a lot lately. I hate it. It is worse than those dreams that are so real, when I feel like he is here, then I wake up alone, again. My minds is playing so many tricks on me anymore, and my emotions are not helping at all. I am so emotional all the time, drastic mood swings. One extreme to another. Faking the ability to do this day by day is getting harder for me to do. It is goes beyond missing him, it goes beyond needing him home, I can't explain what it is, I only know it is. And I know it is all out of my control.
Joe called tonight. He said the counselor told him that he is being released this week. He told Joe to watch the "call sheet" or whatever it is called, for his name. We shall see...................
Tomorrow People!!! I am picking him up tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! My baby is coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, my Joe is finally home. Things are going great. We didn't tell the youngest 3, so when they got home from school, Daddy was here. Maddie was like, looking at me, then him, then me--as if "what?? Huh??" Nick just ran to him, of course. As did Tricia. They were all so happy, it was like Christmas morning!!
Noel is doing good. She is adjusting to things, sometimes she says that it still hasn't hit her, but then other times she says it is like he never left. He was up with her Friday morning, and the two of them had a chance to just talk while she was straightening her hair for school. Zac is happy. Yes people, my son, the "invisible one" who never joins us for anything, is actually smiling now. He has sat down with Joe, asking him a lot of questions. He brought his friends over, my other two sons (lol), and they hung out with us last night.
We went and got our tree. It was great, I was very nervous as to how we were going to get one this year. Maddie went with us, and she picked out some decorations for it. All red and green, with this horribly tacky star to put up top. But, she picked it out.
Sooo, issues. hmmmmmmmmm, there are a few. Yesterday, I was feeling very crowed. I have been a bit pissy at times, but he snaps me out of it quickly. He is already talking of things to do in the house, which makes me a bit defensive. I know he is only trying to help, but for me, I feel like he is saying that I did not do good enough. When in reality, that is not it at all.
We are all adjusting. We are all trying. Things are going good. Today we are cleaning, and doing some shopping. Tomorrow we are going his parents for the day. Football and all.
It is strange in so many ways. He is here. After all these years, he is here. OMG--He is sooo hot too. Sorry, had to throw that in. He is just huge, and way hot. Now all my insecurities are out about myself--ugh! But, that is ok too. The main thing is, we are all here, and we are all getting used to things. If Maddie would just leave him alone for a minute, Im sure everyone else would get a chance to be with him. I am going to talk to Noel today, I think she is feeling a bit insecure, as Maddie has been her shadow all these years. And now, Maddie is just all over Joe, and not her. I am sure it is affecting her. We will work on that.
Ok, gotta run now. Time to get moving. Will write more soon. HEY, now I need to change my blog name--like NOW!! I need help with this one. KK??
Our computer has a virus. It is very slow, and getting online has been a challenge. Things here are going I guess as well as to be expected. We are adjusting to life together again. the kids are doing good, they love it. We are struggling, we argue a lot, which is normal I guess. Trying to mesh two different personalities together again isn't easy. He has his way, i have mine. I am stubborn, and I am taking things way to personal. But, again, we are working through it.
Today is fix it day. His dad is over, and they are fixing the plumbing. My landlord sent someone out, but they never fixed a thing. So, now, the kitchen ceiling is ripped up, pipes are being cut, and its just a mess.
I will try to post again soon, as long as the computer is willing to allow it.
Things are finally coming together. We are adjusting to our lives together. The children are adjusting as well.
Joe's Grandmother just passed away, which has really thrown us all for a loop. Family is in from all over the place. Things are just so chaotic. But, through all of it, we are talking. I am finally feeling like this is working out.
We were so bumpy for so long, well, for about a week and a half. We still have lots of work to do, but we are taking day by day together. I love having him home, and he just loves being home. things are a bit stressed due to the serge of family, but we are trying our hardest to deal with that. Tomorrow we are staying in with the kids. We are not going anywhere, and we told everyone to just stay home and not come over. It has been a houseful constantly, or we have been out at his families. I am looking forward to just being in bed with him, and not having to jump up and go anywhere or get ready for anyone to come over here.
I am also feeling the Christmas Spirit. We got the kids some toys, and being out shopping with him was great. Being around him is wonderful, it is really feeling like this is exactly where I belong. My family is still being the same, which is just stressing me out. I also had a scare with my blood pressure. I was almost hospitalized, but things with that are better now. I am trying to get my family to understand that I respect how they feel, and they need to respect mine. However, they just don't. But, again, they can do what they want, and feel like they want. I am happy, happier than I have been in a long time. And they just have to accept that. If they don't, well, I guess that is just too bad for them.
Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday, and a happy and healthy New Year. I will write again, just as soon as I get a free minute.
Hey
all! It has been entirely to long since I have posted. I know this.
Life has been hectic here. Joe's grandmother passed, family was in from
all over, and now his mom is in the hospital. UGH!! My computer is
still messed up, but soon it will be normal again. Kids are good, life
is good. We are adjusting to things here, as well as can be expected.
Joe is finding it hard to find a job, which we expected. But together
we are making it. As it should be.
I will hopefully be able to check in again soon. Happy New Year to everyone.
I am so sorry for not keeping up with the blog. Things are going
great at home. I am simply lost in happiness. We were rocky for a
while, but now, we are wonderful. I am, I think, finally adjusted to
him being home. I am accepting his love, I am believing in us again.
When he first got home, I was held back, I was keeping him arms length
away from me. Now, I am keeping him closer than ever. We are talking
all the time, we discuss everything. I see his effort every single day
with all of us. He is adjusting to life outside those horrible walls.
Joe
got a job, which is awesome for him. He feels so much better about
himself now, since he can finally bring some money in. It is not
building, which is what he has always done, but he loves it. He is
making concrete forms for bridges, and the money is good. It is also
much easier on his back, and the benefits package is great. Right now
he is a temp there, but the boss has already expressed how he wants to
hire him on after the 15 weeks. He is getting praised for how hard he
works, and how quick he is to catch on to things. It is really helping
his self esteem. And that comes out in so many ways. He is meeting with
his PO monthly, and that is going good. She is so nice, and helpful
with anything we need from her. He is remaining clean, and he talks
openly about how sorry he is for all he has done. That is what, I
think, is keeping the desire from coming back. He sees how much he
missed, and he is not risking going back. It is great. The change in
him is so wonderful, he is the man I always knew he would be.
My job
is still going ok. I am not that happy there, but I am not leaving yet.
I will not leave until I get another job. But I am sucking it up, and
everyday I just count down the hours until I get to be home with my
family.
The kids are doing great. All of them are so happy that
daddy is home. Noel and Joe are talking more and more. She is happy
that she has less responcibility, and more freedom. However, there is
more of an attitude from her now. I guess that all of this will come
out now, since she is able to be more of a teenager, and less of an
adult. But, all in all, she is wonderful too. Zac is loving that his
dad is able to go to some of his basketball games. All the kids are
just so happy. And now, it is like he never left with them all, which
is something I never thought would happen.
My family is still
excluding me from everything. I am very hurt by all of that, but I am
also accepting that it is their choice, not mine. I have tried to talk
to them about this, but they simply are not ready to hear me. I am
respecting how they are feeling, and learning not to let it upset me so
much. Joe is great at listening to me, and drying my tears. It gets him
angry, seeing me so hurt, but we both know how they are, and we knew
this would happen. His family is doing good. We see them a lot, and
that is a good thing. At least I have them.
My best friend and I
still barely talk. Which for some reason, it is just that way. Her
fiance hated me anyway, so I knew it would only be a matter of time
before I was not a factor in her life. But, she is happy, which is all
that really matters. She is busy planning her wedding, and spending
time with her family, and his daughter. She really is just the most
adorable little girl ever. When we do talk, it is just about basic
things in our life, nothing deep or anything. We only see eachother for
lunch, we dont hang out at all. Part of that is my own fault, I am just
staying home with my Joe and the kids. It is something I guess I have
just gotten used to. When I think about it, it is hard to handle. I
never thought I would have a time in my life when she is not there with
me, but, she has moved on in her life. Im sure she has a new group of
friends, ones her man probably likes, so that is good for her. But, I
guess what it all boils down to, is it just is what it is, and I cant
make it more than that. No matter how much I miss her. Which I really
do miss her so much. It sucks, cause I do think her and Joe would have
gotten along great. He thought so too. But again, wishes dont always
grow into anything other than a wish.
Well, again, I do apologize
for the silence, and I will do my best to blog at least once a week. My
life has just been, so very happy lately, that I am chosing to get lost
in that. I have waited for this for 4 long years, and finally it is
here. I can not ever remember being so happy, feeling so loved, and
being surrounded by those I love and who love me. Life is definatly
good, no no, it is just perfect.
Love to everyone, I will be blogging again soon.
Just a quick entry. Maddie pulled out her first tooth tonight. She
is getting so big. I was so suprised that she decided to pull it out
herself. She did a great job. We are so proud of her. Now, she is
waiting for the tooth fairy.
Will write this weekend. Love to all!!
This weekend was so nice. Yesterday my mom came and picked Noel and
I up, and we went prom dress shopping. My poor Noel. She picked out all
these gorgeous Cinderella looking dresses. However, Noel is only about
5' tall. Even with 8-10 inch heels on, she had about 6 inches of the
fabric on the floor. So, as we were looking, I saw this one, cream
colored, with a brown sheer fabric over the bottom half. OH MY GOD. The
second she came out of the dressing room I cried. She is the most
beautiful sight I have ever seen. This dress was made for her. She is
simply stunning in this. We found her the perfect pair of brown heels
to go with it. I am going to have her put it on, and take pictures of
her and post them. My mom and I made small talk during the day, which
was nice I guess.
Today we went to see my mother in law. She looked
good. Tomorrow they made the decision to put a treach in her. Everyone
feels this is what is best for her, so she will be getting it done
tomorrow. Then we hit the food store, then walked the kids to the park.
They had so much fun, we all did. This is what I have been waiting for.
Seeing the kids playing with Joe again, calling for daddy to push them
on the swings, to run and hide from him. It was wonderful. My heart was
smiling all day. It was just great. We decided that we will start doing
that more often, for all of us. We loved it, everyone did.
I hope
everyone had a great weekend. I will check in again soon. How about it,
a few days and I blogged!!!! I made a point to do this, and will
continue to do this. I missed it, and I know now that I need to
continue to do this. I need to share the good times, as well as the
lonely and hard ones. Talk to you all soon.
Oh my God. I just do not know what to
say, there is no excuse, I am just not blogging. I need to blog, I miss
writing, and following my favorite blogs. I am being selfish, focusing
on myself, which is not good. But, hopefully, now I will start to write
again.
We are adjusting great.
Things are feeling "normal" again. This house feels like home, and he
belongs here. Everything feels right, too bad that feelings are
personal and every one's aren't the same.
Hmmmm, what do I mean by that????? Well, let me explain. Outsiders.
By that I mean anyone who is not living in my home. My family, his
family, friends etc....... Lets start with his family. They are so
supportive of us. Things are not going well for them. Mom has been in
the hospital for about 6 weeks now, very serious, and changing daily.
It is very stressful on all of us. The worrying, and the not being able
to be there as much as we want to be. We cant just not work, and we
have missed enough of that lately, we have so many bills of our own, we
need to make more money so we don't fall too far behind. So, it is
hectic. The hospital is about 45-60 min away from us, but we are
hopeful she will be moved to a rehab soon, maybe one closer to us. But
anyway, the rest of his family is behind us and very supportive, and
they just make it feel like family.
Mine
is a whole nother story. Mom and I barley talk, and when we do it is a
very impersonal and distant conversation. Small talk mostly, updates on
the children, my work. Never a word about him, from her or me. I know
better than to bring him up, she could care less. It feels like she
could really care less about me also. Here is an example of what I
mean. We were on the phone like a week or so ago. She tells me that my
brother, his wife, and their 2 girls are coming out here to visit in
June or July. She said my niece wants to celebrate her birthday here
with our family. So she says, "If you are not going to make an
appearance then I want to at least come up and pick the children up" I
was floored. Now honestly, I do not feel welcome to go. Like, is that
an invite or not?? Joe is not invited, only the kids and myself. I
really cant complain about that, it is her house, and she can have
whoever she wants there, or not there. I just hate the fact that no one
is willing to give him a chance. That makes me feel like no one is
really ready to give US a chance, and that is not fair. I am, of
course, taking this so personally. Maybe that is good, maybe not. All I
know is how I feel. And when it comes to my family, I feel as if I must
choose. This is putting me in the most uncomfortable position. I mean,
my family is so important to me, yet, he is my husband, and he is my
future, they are not. My sisters are not ready to have him in there
homes either. I was invited to my one sisters house for Easter, but not
him. As if I would even think about leaving him home alone on Easter,
while his children and myself are out. God, noway no how. My family is
just sitting in judgement, as they always do. Apparently they have
forgotten some of the things they themselves have done in the past.
This whole ordeal is very hurtful for me, and hard to deal with.
Speaking
of hurtful and hard to deal with, my best friend and I are starting to
talk again. However, there are so many issues between us now, and we
need to get them out. She has suggested letting bygones be bygones, but
that is not possible for me. She wrote me this great letter, explaining
her feelings. I was very appreciative of that, as I need to know where
she is coming from and feeling. We can not mend this if we are being
closed with our feeling. And we had that kind of frienship that
surpasses normal friendships. But, now I am stuck with this feeling
that she is blaming Joe for our distance when in fact we became distant
once she met her fiance. He is the one who has a problem with me, and
now of course he has a problem with Joe. The funny thing is when they
first met, she told him about Joe and where he was and he had no issue
with that. Then again, he had no issue with me in the beginning either,
at least not the first two weeks. I mean, first he thinks we are in
love with each other, and he was convinced I would try to take her from
him. That was simply insane, but leave it to a man to find something
dirty with two women who are closer than blood sisters. Anyway,
supposedly he is over that, yet he still doesn't like me. He doesn't
want her around me or my husband. That fact simply pisses me off. Who
the hell is he to judge anyone, he doesn't know me or Joe, and he
really has no interest in getting to know us. Also, he is her fiance,
not her father, who is he to tell her who she can and can not be
around??? While I am happy and excited that we are talking and seeing
each other, I am apprehensive about it also. I am scared of getting
close to her again, only to have her man start his *** with me and
have her once again, in my kitchen crying telling me that we need some
distance because HE has issues. She already did that once, and it
killed me, and the fear is there that it will happen again. I dont want
that. I dont want her to hurt me again. I never let anyone in to the
capacity that she was in, and for her to just so easily walk away
before, well, I just am scared of it happening again. Things will never
be the same. Anyway, back to my point, I think that she has forgotten
that it is her man who has all the issues, not mine. I told her, and
everyone else that once my husband came home, I would be focusing all
my energy on us. At least for the first few months. Well, it is almost
4 months, and I feel that we are walking on steady ground, we are
adjusting great, and I am ready to start opening the doors to the
outside world. Not every door, but a few. Ya know?? She is telling me
that she feels she was just here to pass the time, when that is not
true at all. Again, our distance started long before Joe came home, it
started with her man, and yes, I was isolating myself for a while when
Joe did first come home, however I did tell everyone that in advance so
that these feelings could be avoided. That did not work out so well for
me, which I just don't understand how people do not understand. I mean,
its just like people could care less what we have been through, and
they do not think we need time to just be the seven of us. Or, it is
like they are jealous that I am spending so much of my time with him.
I, at times, feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "HE JUST GOT
HOME FROM BEING AWAY FOR 4 YEARS!!!!"
Well,
I expected many many bumps in the road. The great thing is, we are
facing all of them together. We are very open and honest with each
other, and Joe is working very hard on keeping our communication open.
He said that the way we were while he was locked up is what gave us the
strength to hold true, and we cant lose that now that he is home. So,
we talk, we talk a lot, we talk about everything. It is great having
him here, face to face, to talk to, to be able to tell him what I am
thinking and feeling. He has been wonderful with the things going on
with my best friend. He is a good person to talk to, and he is willing
to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He is a little upset about
it, only because it upsets me. Well, and the fact of her man hating us
without knowing us or having a reason. His opinion is, "She is your
best friend, you two have a powerful bond, you are closer than sisters.
If I like her, or if I don't like her, it does not matter. She is your
best friend, and she makes you happy. I would never stop that. I would
not want to stop that, since it makes you happy. Lucky thing is I do
like her" That is what he said to me last night. It was great, it is
great.
Ok, now I have to run.
I will be back soon. I need to keep writing. I miss it. I need this
outlet. OH YEAH, and I need a new title. I was thinking of something
like, "Like on the other side of the walls" I am not sure. Any
idea's?????????????????????????
Just a note to say that I will not be blogging on Sunday
anymore. We have decided that Sunday is my day for just Joe and the
kids. I am happy about this. I figure, now that I am back to blogging,
making the time to do this, I feel great. Sunday will be our day. The
one day during the week that I will not be on the computer.
I will post Monday about our weekend. Got the brakes done tonight, and it is wonderful. NO MORE SQUEAKING!!!
Have a great weekend all!!!!!
Things here are moving right along. Today is a warm day, which is
much needed for all of us. We have been taking the kids to the park
after work, and all of us are enjoying that. Tonight though, he and I
are taking the night off. Noel and Matt have the kids there now, and my
Joe is asleep already. We have been staying up until 2-3 in the morning
every night this week. No real reason, we have just been awake,
talking, doing couple things (wink-wink). It is catching up with us. I
told him jokingly, I am just not that young, I can't hang with the big
boys anymore! I came home, and he was already passed out, so I will let
him sleep, and I will take care of the little ones tonight. I planned
on doing this to him tonight, but I guess he beat me to it. No biggie.
I will have my turn.
This week feels like it is taking so long to
pass. I live for my weekends. I love being home with Joe and the kids.
Even when we just sit around and do nothing, I love it. This weekend I
am going to my moms with Noel to raid the attic of anything that was
mine. We are getting the brakes fixed in the van, and hopefully,
weather permitting, having lunch one day in the park with the kids.
I
am getting very excited for spring. Joe has the plans for the garden he
is digging me. It is huge. I am having 6 4x4 squares inside of it, so
each one of the little guys can have their things they want. Maddie
wants tomato, Nick wants cucumber, Tricia wants carrot, and we are
planting some melon and pumpkins, oh yeah, and peppers also. I can not
wait to start that, as well as starting to plant my flowers. I love
doing that, being outside with the kids and Joe, working in the garden,
we all love that.
Day by day I am letting Joe more into my world.
Last night, we stood out on the porch together, and we were looking for
the moon. I told him about how many nights I would sit on my porch,
crying because I missed him so much, and I would write him. I told him
how I would wonder if he was looking at the moon at the same time as I
would. He was shocked to hear this, but I think it was him feeling bad.
He hasn't done much thinking about what it was like for me, here with
the kids, missing him as I did. He is learning, by me letting him into
my world, my thoughts, my feelings, my heart, what is was like for me.
He is accepting everything I tell him, and he is also listening to me.
That is the best part. We are both continuing to let each other in more
and more each day.
Well, for now, that is it. I will write more after the weekend. Have a great one!!
Life is just funny sometimes. It really is. For lack of a better
word I am saying funny. It isn't always comical, but, funny is the only
word I can think of. More or less, if I don't laugh, I would cry.
Joe
and I had our first real blow out yesterday. I just woke up, and wanted
to kill him. I seriously did. I don't know why, it just was that way. I
felt like, God, he is AWAYS HERE, and he is taking over everything. So,
like any normal girl, I vented to the girls at work, then made a
mistake by calling my "best friend".
I am using
that term very lightly. To make a long story short, we spoke, briefly,
then I get this call about her and her fiance breaking up and he is
moving out AGAIN. This is like a weekly thing for them, which is just
beyond me. 8 months, they cant even not fight for like 2 weeks, but
they are getting married. It is just utter bullshit. Sorry, but this
guy is just an ***, and no good for her. But, what do I know?? I am
just the "old" best friend. Any who, I call her back, leave a message,
she calls me this morning, leaves a message, this goes on. Finally I
get a call, saying goodbye. Excuse me??? But, whatever!! I
just hung up. This whole friendship with her is simply exhausting to
me. I have a family, and in my honest opinion, it is just not worth it.
This is a every other week thing. I mean, it almost seems like, when we
talk, he gets all threatened like a typical insecure person, and leaves
her. God, I wish I could just tell this guy to get over himself. But,
again, what the hell do I know?? Apparently nothing. Bottom line time
here people. My opinion, she just wants to be married, and it really
doesn't matter who it is, or how it happens. You want to sacrifice
everything for this guy, go for it. Just please, don't come crying to
me when it all falls apart. Mean?? Maybe, but this is my blog, and I
can be as honest as I need to be here. And this is *** that needs to
be said by me. I need this. I am just so tired of only being good
enough to talk to when her world is falling apart, which is so much
lately. Ever since this man came into her world. But hey, people think
I am insane for being with Joe. I am not judging here, just sick of
seeing someone I cared so much about ruin her life and being miserable.
Now, I am just done. I have to be. She is a baler, at least to her
"friends" she is. I don't need that in my life, who does really?? I
will not apologize for taking the time I needed to get my family back
on track after all we have been through. Even though in her eyes, she
compares us. As if her and this 8 month man can even compare to a 9
year relationship. Good grief Charlie Brown. When is enough enough??
Today it is. I seriously just do not understand some people. She calls
me crying over this guy, and I return her call. And somehow, this is my
fault. I just cant help but laugh. I really cant. Right or wrong, this
is how I feel, and again, some things just end up this way.
Joe and
I are good now. We talked it out, and I finally let all my feelings out
for him. And really, he handled it great. I basically bombarded him
with 4 years worth of feelings all at once. He sat there, listening,
and just said he is sorry, and he loves me. That is just what I needed.
He was not angry at me, he was understanding to me. He held me, I
cried, and it is ok now. I really need to not hold things in until I
just explode. That is not fair to him, or me. I cant just melt down
like that. Its not healthy. For anyone. I need to talk to him while I
am feeling these things. And that is something I am working on.
Well,
today is prom. I will post pictures of her, in her beautiful dress.
Have a great weekend, and enjoy the outdoors. It is going to be 80
today, we are hitting the yard. I love this. Joe is working half a day,
the kids and I have already started outside, and when he gets home, we
will finish. We are barbecuing tonight, which I just love. So, enjoy
all!!!!
The latest is not good. Not by any means. Noel and I got in an
argument. A stupid normal argument. Parents and teenagers go through
this, right???????? So, while she was punished, she again made the
wrong choices in life, and was grounded for an additional week.
With
that, she decides to totally flip her lid, freak out, curse me up and
down and get physical. Bottom line, she is now with my sister, and no
longer here with us.
This totally sucks. I miss her terribly. She
will not speak to me, she simply is in teenage denial heaven. You know
how that goes. Its not good. We are all miserable without her. The kids
miss her, as do Joe and I. Yet, it appears she is just Miss Happy Go
Lucky. I find this entire thing just absurd. This is not how Noel and I
get along.
Right now, I can not even really get into what happened,
the little guys are in need of me. Gotta run, will write more very very
soon, I need to get this out of my head and onto the blog.
Inside
FROM MY LOCAL PAPER
A man wielding a crowbar had police in Upper Bucks jumping early Monday morning.
Joseph
Raffensperger, 27, of Spinnerstown Road in Milford, was arrested around
4 a.m. for attempting to rob one convenience store and taking $165 from
another, said Sgt. Edward C. Murphy of the state police barracks in
Dublin.
Quakertown police were called to the 7-Eleven on South West
End Boulevard or Route 309 at about 3:40 a.m. where Raffensperger
entered the store and brandished a crowbar. The clerk fended him off
with a broomstick.
“I feel bad for the clerk; it’s the second or third time he’s been held up,” said Murphy.
After
leaving the 7-Eleven, Raffensperger headed south on Route 309 in a red
minivan, stopping at the Wawa at Tollgate Road and Route 309 in
Richland. He again went in with the crowbar, this time getting $165
from the store, police said.
While state police were responding
first to assist Quakertown, then to Richland, where state police
provide overnight protection, Perkasie police heard a description of
the vehicle and spotted the red minivan and followed it.
Raffensperger
didn’t stop immediately when Perkasie police tried to pull him over. He
lost control of the minivan on Main Street in Sellersville and when he
tried to stop, he hit a shrub, jumped out of the minivan and started to
run away, Murphy said.
After a short chase, Perkasie police captured
Raffensperger and turned him over to state police. Pennridge Regional
police also assisted at the scene, Murphy said.
Raffensperger was
charged with several counts of robbery, simple assault, possessing
instruments of crime, fleeing or attempting to elude a police officer
and driving under suspension.
He was arraigned at Quakertown
district court before District Judge C. Robert Roth and taken to Bucks
County Prison when he failed to post 10 percent of $250,000 bail.
A poem for prisoners
Interior sounds clang back and forth
I'm not sure what to write. I am just sick over this. I know that
the children and I will get through this mess. We did before, we will
again. As for him. I am just done. I simply do not have it in me
anymore. I can't do this, I don't want to do this again. I want a
chance at a real life now, and I will find a way to have it. Thank you
all for your support, I will write again soon.
unable to escape
Today I totally broke down at work. I was shaking, tight chested,
tingling fingers, everything was spinning. and uncontrollable crying.
This is so hard for me. Not just Joe either, Noel also. Her and my mom
came to pick me up from the hospital. No hug, no nothing. In all
actuality , Noel hurts worse.
I need to go, the tears are flowing again and again.
walls contained by more walls
callous, concrete, obdurate
built to remind insiders
of their lovelessness
outside
you are, moving softly
smoothing the pillow on your bed
placing a woven mat under your bowl
to spare the wooden table
pouring orange juice
sun through the open window
touching your shoulder
I remember running
and the smell of summer grass
my body was my own
I breathed in the blue of the sky
and spoke it to you
if I were allowed a sharp implement
I’d cut a piece of sky somehow
find some way to smuggle it to you
you would laugh your wide laugh
wrap it around a cloud of raindrops
But don’t send it back in here
send me the scent of your hair
and thoughts as wild as horses used to be.
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