Giving birth without him
Well, I suppose I can't exactly say I was alone, Diane* and Kelly* were with me. But I felt like I was. My husband was finishing month two of his 9 month sentence and I was in labor. Our first born. He was supposed to hold my hand and count for me. He was supposed to cut the cord. He was supposed to call our parents. He was... he was...
Well, he wasn't able to. It was something I had to come to grips with. Something I needed to accept. Throughout this entire process, the Serenity Prayer became my peace.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
So, on Friday afternoon at work, a week before my due date, I started feeling very mild contractions. I gave my friend, Diane call. She had walked through the entire trial, sentencing, jail, pregnancy etc thing with me. Not only was she my Bible Study leader...she was committed to being my labor coach. When I called, Diane said, "I am glad you called. I was planning on packing my bags and staying the night at your house. I just had a feeling." She came over with pizza and grapes (what was I thinking when I requested that?) and we talked, watched TV and lost track of the timing of contractions. They just weren't that painful. At that point, I said, "Maybe we should stop timing for right now. They don't even hurt." Literally 5 seconds later I had my first REAL contraction. It completely took my breath away. Within 30 minutes, they were 5 minutes apart and we were on our way to the hospital. We arrived, I checked in, I puked up the pizza and grapes, and my water broke all in the matter of about 1 hour. I called the jail and asked them to tell my husband that I was in labor. I told them that I had called ahead of time and they had approved me calling to notify them of this. Total lie. God forgive me. The staff sargeant had actually requested that I NOT notify him of labor, just of the birth. He said, "We just don't know how a prisoner will react when they hear news of their wife going into labor. They may freak out and do something stupid." Well, let's just say that that staff sargeant never told his receptionist this policy and as soon as I called, she made sure to get the news to my husband. I love it when there is a break in the chain of communication, don't you? 
As soon as my husband was able, he called me and talked me through a contraction. Here I was, in wretched pain, listening to a recording saying, "... is in jail. You will not be charged for this call. If you want to accept this call, please press zero." I accept the call and we get to talk for our standard 15 minutes, in which he is nervously and like a total novice, helping me through the contractions. I can't even imagine what that must have looked like inside he cell. What a scene, I am sure. In the process of labor, I think he called about 4 times and at 4:09 our first born was here. Because of some complications during labor, the doctor immediately cut the cord and whisked her off to be checked. It wasn't until she had been cleaned off and wrapped that I was able to hold her. And then, less than 30 seconds later, they had to take her again because she wasn't breathing well.
I was informed that they would need to Life Flight her to a larger hospital because she was under respiratory distress. I didn't know any better, so I agreed. I asked, "Will I be able to go with her?" They informed me that the helicopter was too small for both of us to go. So about an hour later, I said goodbye to my new little girl, as she was flown to a nearby NIC-U for further treatment. Without a husband and a baby, I spent a lot of time by myself and visiting with friends. People would come hoping to see the babe...but she wasn't there. No kiddo. No husband. Quite ackward.
A week later, my mother-in-law and I packed up what seemed to be everything that I owned baby-wise, and traveled 5 hours to present our new baby to her daddy. There was a thick piece of glass between us and he didn't get to hold her at all, but he got to see her...part him, part me. A perfect little baby. One that, thankfully, would never remember the fact that the first time she saw him was through a piece of glass in a jail.
Here's some random thoughts that, in my typing, I couldn't find a place to add them into the story:
1. When we arrived at the hospital, the nurse asked, "Is dad going to be here?" I reluctantly said, "No, he's not going to be able to make it." I eventually explained to her the situation, the fact that he was in jail, and what for, and she said, "Don't worry, I won't report anything." Report what? My husband was already in jail silly lady.
2. Diane was an amazing labor coach. She did so much for me. She counted. She held my "focus picture" and redirected me when I was distracted. She saved her labor horror stories for someone else. She saved her moments where she was about to gag for outside my room. She, in a very forceful tone, told the nurse or other medical personnel that they better let me see my baby before they Life Flighted her away. There is a bond between Diane and I now that I don't believe will ever be broken. Diane was my rock in very difficult times, and I feel as though I could never pay her back for the love she has given, and continues to give to this day. Thank you Diane.
3. Kelly, previously mentioned, was taking pictures and video throughout the entire thing. She and her husband were new on staff at our church, and as soon as they heard our story, they immediately felt connected to us. Kelly was a photographer, and I asked if she would be willing to come and take pictures and video so my husband wouldn't miss anything. She offered herself, her flexibility, and her professional skills. I don't know how someone can make labor look all that beautiful, but somehow she did it. When I showed my husband the video she put together of the birth, he couldn't stop crying. Thank you Kelly.
4. My daughter was perfectly fine. After just 1 1/2 days in the NIC-U, I was able to take her home.